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i£x  Htbrta 

SEYMOUR  DURST 

1    -i.'  'Port  nteuu/  ^4rn^erJa.m-       Je  JA.(rtJ7atart^ 

FORT    NEW  AM.STEPX>Ai-\^^g^^  (>3EW  YORK  )  ,  1651. 

IVhen  you  leave,  please  leave  this  hook 

because  it  has  heen  said 
" Sver'thing  comes  t'  him  who  waits 

Except  a  loaned  hook." 

Avery  Architectural  and  Fine  Arts  Library 
Gift  of  Sfymour  B.  Durst  Old  York  Library 


/  — 


BY  ALFRED  AYRES. 


THE 

ORTHOEPIST: 

A  Pronouncing  Manual, 

CONTAINING    ABOUT   THREE  THOU- 
SAND FIVE  HUNDRED  WORDS, 

INCLUDING  A  CONSIDERABLE   NUMBER  OF  THE  NAMES 
OF  FOREIGN   AUTHOKS,   ARTISTS,  ETC.,  THAT 
ARE    OFTEN  MISPRONOUNCED. 

FIFTEENTH  EDITION. 


THE 

VERBALIST: 

A  Manual 

DEVOTED  TO  BRIEF  DISCUSSIONS  OF 
THE  RIGHT  AND  THE  WRONG 
USE  OF  WORDS, 

AND    TO    SJME    OTHER    MATTERS    OF    INTEREST  TO 
THOSE  WHO  WOULD  SPEAK  AND  WRITE  WITH 
PROPRIETY. 

TENTH  EDITION. 


18mo,  cloth,  each,  $1.00. 


SOCIAL 

ETIQUETTE 

OF  NEW  YORK 


"Custom  forms  us  all : 
Our  thoughts,  our  morals,  our  most  fixed  beliefs. 
Are  consequences  of  our  place  of  birth." 

Aaron  Hill. 

"  Man  jdelds  to  custom,  as  he  bows  to  fate  ; 
In  all  things  ruled — mind,  body,  and  estate." 

George  Crabbe, 

"  There  are  not  unfrequently  substantial  reasons  underneath  for  cus- 
toms that  appear  to  be  absurd." 

Charlotte  BrontE. 


REWRITTEN  AND  ENLARGED 


NEW  YORK 
D.   APPLETON   AND  COMPANY 
1891 


Copyright,  1878,  1886, 
D.  APPLETON  AND  COMPANY. 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER  p^CE 

I. — The  Value  of  Etiquette  ....  7 

II. — Introductions   15 

III.  — Salutations   22 

IV.  — Strangers  in  Town    •       ....  33 
V. — Debuts  in  Society   40 

VI. — Chaperons  and  Escorts    .       .       ,  .51 
VII. — Visiting,  and  Visiting-Cards  for  Ladies  65 
VIII, — Visiting  and  Card  Customs  for  Gentle- 
men   7S 

IX. — At  Home  Matinees — including  Tea  and 

Kaffee  Klatsches   go 

X. — Giving  and  attending  Parties,  Balls, 


AND  Germans  loi 

XI. — Dinner-Giving  and  Dining  out  .  .115 
XII. — Breakfasts,  Luncheons,  and  Suppers     .  136 

XIII.  — Opera  and  Theatre  Parties,  Private 

Theatricals,  and  Musicales  .      .      .  146 

XIV.  — Etiquette  of  Weddings    .      .       .  .154 
XV. — Christenings  and  Birthdays    .       ,       .  1S2 

XVI. — Marriage  Anniversaries   .      .      .  .192 


4 


C0N7'£NTS. 


CHAPTER  -  PAC^ 

XVII. — Costumes  and  Customs   ....  200 

XVIII. — Extended  Visits  207 

XIX. — Mistress  and  Maid  220 

XX. — Addresses  and  Signatures     .       .      .  237 
XXL— Etiquette  for  Children       .      .  .245 
XXII. — New-Year  and  Christmas  in  New  York  254 
XXIII. — Funeral  Customs  258 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE  OF  NEW  YORK, 


INTRODUCTION. 

In  response  to  numerous  and  constant  ap- 
plications from  all  parts  of  the  country  for 
information  regarding  social  forms  and  usages 
in  New  York,  the  author  has  prepared  a  series 
of  articles,  in  which  special  pains  have  been 
taken  to  make  them  represent  faithfully  and 
accurately  existing  customs  in  New  York  so- 
ciety, in  distinction  from  the  many  manuals  on 
the  subject  that  have  simply  reproduced  the 
codes  of  Paris  and  London,  These  foreign 
exemplars  may  have  sufficed  for  all  practi- 
cal purposes  years  ago,  when  both  town  and 
country  were  in  a  more  rudimental  stage  of 
development ;  but  they  are  now  clearly  useless, 
when  society  has  acquired  a  certain  definite 
character,  and  New  York  is  a  law  unto  itself  in 


6 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


the  same  way,  if  not  in  the  same  degree,  as  the 
great  capitals  of  Europe.  There  is  still  a  con- 
siderable variation  of  usage  in  circles  ranking 
themselves  as  "our  best  society,"  and  no  per- 
son not  thoroughly  conversant  with  the  grada- 
tions could  draw  the  line  between  the  living 
law,  which  is  to  remain  and  grow  with  the 
city's  growth,  and  the  obsolete  traditions,  which 
only  linger  through  their  own  inertia  and  the  in- 
capacity of  their  devotees  to  adapt  themselves  to 
the  larger  present  conditions  of  social  develop- 
ment. The  author  of  this  manual  has  not  at- 
tempted to  modify  or  to  improve  upon  existing 
forms,  or  to  question  either  the  taste  or  the 
propriety  of  our  fixed  usages,  but  to  furnish  a 
report  or  a  description  of  our  customs  as  taught 
and  practiced  by  the  superior  families  of  New 
York  city. 


THE  VALUE  OF  ETIQUETTE. 


To  enter  a  social  circle  without  being  famil- 
iar with  its  customs  and  its  best  usages  is  like 
attempting  to  dance  a  quadrille  without  know- 
ing its  forms.  It  is  claimed  that  kindliness  of 
heart  and  gentleness  of  manners  will  make  rude- 
ness impossible.  This  is  very  true,  but  the  finest 
and  the  sweetest  of  impulses,  combined,  fail  to 
produce  graceful  habits  or  prevent  painful  awk- 
wardness. An  intimate  acquaintance  with  the 
refined  customs  and  highest  tones  of  society 
insures  harmony  in  its  conduct,  while  igno= 
ranee  of  them  inevitably  produces  discords 
and  confusion.  Fortunate  are  those  who  were 
born  in  an  atmosphere  of  intelligent  refine- 
ment, because  mistakes  to  them  are  almost 
impossible.  They  know  no  other  w^ay  than  the 
right  one  in  the  management  of  their  social 
affairs. 


8 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


As  to  the  unfortunates  who  have  been  reared 
at  remote  distances  from  the  centers  of  civiliza- 
tion, there  is  nothing  left  for  them  to  do  but  to 
make  a  careful  study  of  unquestionable  authority 
in  those  matters  of  etiquette  which  prevail  among 
the  most  refined  people.  High  breeding  may  be 
imitated,  and  a  gentle  courtesy  of  manner  may  be 
acquired  through  the  same  processes  by  which 
other  accomplishment  is  perfected.  Even  a  dis- 
agreeable duty  may  be  so  beautified  by  gracious- 
ness  that  it  will  appear  almost  as  if  it  were  a 
compliment.  Elegant  manners  should  not  be 
considered  beneath  the  attention  of  any  man  or 
any  woman.  They  will  carry  a  stranger  farther 
up  the  heights  of  social  ambition  than  money, 
mental  culture,  or  personal  beauty.  Combine 
elegance  of  manner  with  thoughtfulness  and  any 
other  of  the  three  powers,  and  the  world  is  van- 
quished. 

Etiquette  is  the  machinery  of  society.  It 
polishes  and  protects  even  while  conducting  its 
charge.  It  prevents  the  agony  of  uncertainty, 
and  soothes  even  when  it  can  not  cure  the  pains 
of  blushing  bashfulness.     If  one  is  certain  of 


THE   VALUE  OF  ETIQUETTE. 


9 


being  correct,  there  is  little  to  be  anxious  about. 
Etiquette  may  be  despotic,  but  its  cruelty  is  in- 
spired by  intelligent  kindliness.  It  is  like  a  wall 
built  up  around  us  to  protect  us  from  disagree- 
able, under-bred  people,  who  refuse  to  take  the 
trouble  to  be  civil.  Those  who  defy  the  rules 
of  the  best  society,  and  claim  to  be  superior  to 
them,  are  always  coarse  in  their  moral  fiber, 
however  strong  they  may  be  intellectually. 

Different  civilized  nations  have  provided  for 
themselves  sets  of  rules  which  have  been  estab- 
lished slowly,  carefully,  and  firml}^,  to  suit  their 
peculiar  sentiments  and  requirements.  These 
codes  serve  as  a  music  that  is  felt,  when  not 
heard,  and  communities  walk  by  it  in  beautiful 
harmony  and  ease.  Etiquette  once  having  be- 
come a  fixed  habit,  ceases  to  be  that  dreadful 
thing  which  the  too  free  American  abhors.  It 
is  a  steadfast  friend,  a  sure  guide,  and  an  armor 
against  which  malicious  arrows  may  fly  without 
leaving  a  mark.  There  is  no  greater  mistake 
than  to  suppose  that  etiquette  must  of  necessity 
be  a  cold  formality.  The  warmth  or  chill  of 
one's  conduct  is  regulated  by  private  sentiment, 


10 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


and  a  kindliness  is  always  all  the  more  beautiful 
if  it  is  gracefully  and  appropriately  extended. 

Possibly  those  vagrants  who  scorn  etiquette, 
and  refuse  to  take  the  white  high-road  of  a  re- 
fined civilization,  do  not  possess  those  necessary 
aptitudes  for  imitation  which  are  requisite  for 
the  easy  acquirement  of  customs  and  formalities 
which  by  birth  are  alien  to  them.  Sneering  is 
not  infrequently  a  thin  and  foolish  veil  by  which 
they  endeavor  to  hide  their  lack  of  birth  and 
breeding.  If  such  undisciplined  persons  would 
only  submit  to  custom,  and  use  their  best  powers 
of  adaptation,  they  would  soon  discover  that 
formality  is  as  easy  as  a  tune  that  sings  itself  in 
one's  thought  without  a  sound  being  heard. 

The  slight  and  agreeable  variations  which  are 
often  made  in  the  forms  and  usages  of  well-bred 
people  in  their  intercourse  with  the  world  may 
be  compared  to  the  different  parts  of  that  same 
melody.  Courtesy  is  inherited  only  by  Nature's 
favorites,  and  briisqiierie^  through  the  "irony  of 
fate,"  is  often  the  unfortunate  natural  expression 
of  tenderest  souls  ;  but  inheritances  may  be  es- 
caped by  the  will,  just  as  a  club-foot  may  be 


THE   VALUE  OF  ETIQUETTE.  \\ 


made  straight  if  taken  in  season  and  persistently- 
righted.  A  courteous  person,  with  a  natural 
misfortune  of  form  or  features,  may  become  the 
most  delightful  of  society's  favorites,  if  winning 
charms  of  manner  are  acquired  and  practiced. 
Etiquette  can  no  more  justly  be  called  coldness, 
than  vulgar,  loud  and  gushing  warmth  can  be 
considered  attractive  or  elegant. 

Individual  tendencies  guide  us  in  the  con- 
duct of  our  lives,  but  they  are  not  trustworthy 
instructors  in  the  prevailing  and  most  acceptable 
etiquette  for  arranging  our  relations  with  our 
friends  and  acquaintances,  or  of  entertaining  our 
guests. 

From  the  unsettled  state  of  sentiment  and 
opinion  which  prevailed  among  us  a  few  years 
ago,  fortunately  we  are  mostly  emancipated. 
We  may,  and  doubtless  did,  appear  "grotesquely 
raw,"  as  our  English  critic  declared,  and  trls 
drole^  according  to  the  better-bred  Parisian  visit- 
or, and  very  likely  neither  of  these  sharers  of  our 
too  abundant  hospitalities  will  approve  of  our 
present  style  of  conducting  our  social  affairs 
whenever  and  wherever  these  points  shall  differ 


12 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


from  their  own  established  formahties  ;  but  that 
matters  nothing  to  us.  We  possess  an  undeni- 
able right  to  ordain  a  social  code  of  our  own, 
and  we  confess  frankly  and  thankfully  that  we 
have  imitated  whatever  we  have  considered 
wisest  and  pleasantest  in  the  habits  of  French, 
English,  and  other  nations.  As  the  formality  of 
social  matters  in  France  is  less  heavy  and  more 
graceful  than  it  is  in  England,  New  York,  which 
is  admitted  to  be  the  metropolitan  city  of  Amer- 
ica, has  discreetly  chosen  its  customs  largely 
from  the  former,  modifying  and  adapting  them 
to  accord  with  our  national  conditions. 

Everything  which  refines  the  habits  of  a 
people  ennobles  it,  and  hence  the  importance  of 
furnishing  to  the  public  all  possible  aids  to  supe- 
rior manners. 

Even  frugality  itself  has  its  beautiful  methods 
of  being  elegant  and  hospitable,  and  no  one 
need  be  less  attractive  in  his  courtesies  because 
he  happens  not  to  be  rich.  Delicate  attentions 
and  the  charms  of  a  superior  manner  will  compel 
a  simple  entertainment  to  seem  like  a  royal  ban- 
quet, and  lend  to  a  modest  house  a  smile  of  fas- 


THE   VALUE  OF  ETIQUETTE. 


18 


cinating  beauty.  The  charm  of  this  achieve- 
ment lies  in  the  art  of  receiving  and  entertain- 
ing ;  and  a  cordial  courtesy  which  is  not  oppres- 
sive, but  which  sits  lightly  upon  both  giver  and 
receiver,  is  the  perfection  of  hospitality.  The 
costliest  banquetings  are  unacceptable  to  the 
highly-bred  gentleman  or  lady  if  their  appoint- 
ments be  wanting  in  good  taste,  and  their  con- 
duct be  awkward. 

Awkwardness  is  the  twin-brother  of  embar- 
rassment, and  they  are  never  separated. 

A  delicate,  prompt,  and  appropriate  courtesy 
is  superior  to  an  untimely  honor.  None  but  the 
thoughtless  or  the  vulgar  (and  to  be  thoughtless 
is  to  be  vulgar,  some  wise  man  insists,)  indulge  in 
excesses  of  any  kind.  The  numbers  of  the  in- 
vited guests,  and  the  quantity  and  quality  of 
their  feastings,  are  subjects  for  nice  considera- 
tion, and  the  condition  of  the  public  mind  and 
also  the  public  purse  will  go  far  toward  measur- 
ing out  the  grade  of  a  banquet,  and  controlling 
the  quality  of  an  entertainment.  Courteous  hosts 
will  never  violate  a  public  sentiment  in  their 
pleasures.    It  is  quite  enough  cf  moral  combat 


14 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


to  trample  down  prejudice  and  wrong.  If  the 
community  be  sorrowful  or  depressed,  no  well- 
bred  individual  will  make  a  parade  of  rejoicing. 
If  financial  anxieties  weary  and  worry  the  mass- 
es, fortunate  individuals,  with  delicate  sentiments 
or  refined  feelings,  express  no  social  rejoicings. 
No  feasts  and  no  festivities  will  be  given  in  the 
presence  of  neighboring  poverty  or  distress. 

This  influencing  sentiment  of  common  sym- 
pathy was  born  and  nourished  by  republicanism. 
Free  as  we  are  in  all  our  opinions,  and  also  in 
the  expression  of  them,  a  common  brotherhood 
clasps  our  hearts  closely,  and  a  common  formula 
of  courtesies,  which  is  known  as  our  own  social 
etiquette,  should  be  the  thoroughly  understood 
method  of  communicating  our  regard  for  each 
other.  While  this  etiquette  becomes  gentle 
speech  for  kindly  people,  it  also  serves  as  a 
guard  and  preserver  of  our  household  sanctities. 


II. 


INTRODUCTIONS. 

Ladies  of  social  equality  are  introduced  to 
each  other,  and  so  also  are  gentlemen.  The 
latter,  however,  are  always  presented  to  ladies. 
The  distinction  in  the  form  is  an  agreeable  and 
proper  homage  to  womankind,  which  a  true 
gentleman  is  glad  to  pay  to  her. 

The  forms  of  introductions  and  presentations 
must  necessarily  differ  in  a  country  where  an 
equality  of  citizenship  is  established  by  constitu- 
tional law.  The  endeavor  to  fix  social  formali- 
ties by  a  judicial  power  becomes  a  comical  ab- 
surdity when  attempted  in  New  York  ;  therefore 
intellectual  development,  refined  culture,  and 
gentleness  of  breeding,  combine  to  arrange  our 
forms  of  presentation  and  introduction  in  such 
flexible  ways  as  shall  satisfy  all  grades  of  society. 

It  is  probable  that  from  the  foreign  custom  of 
announcing  guests  from  the  thresholds  of  salons 

2 


16 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


by  a  loud-voiced  servant  is  acquired  our  habit 
of  mentioning  the  name  of  the  less  important  or 
the  younger  person  first.  To  make  this  distinc- 
tion appear  less  emphatic,  when  the  difference 
between  the  parties  introduced  is  a  debatable 
one,  it  has  become  the  formal  custom  among 
many  to  say,  "  Mrs.  A.,  this  is  Mrs.  H.  ;  Mrs.  H., 
Mrs.  A."  A  balance  of  respect  is  thus  struck,  or 
very  nearly  so,  by  this  arrangement. 

If  a  gentleman  is  presented  to  a  lady  by  a 
gentleman,  of  course  permission  is  first  secured 
from  the  lady,  and  afterward  the  presentation  is 
made  complimentary  by  its  formula  :  "  Mr.  Mor- 
timer desires  to  be  presented  to  Mrs.  or  Miss 
Fairfax." 

Or  if  the  lady  or  gentleman  making  the  pres- 
entation desires  the  unknown  parties  to  become 
acquainted  for  his  or  her  own  personal  reasons, 
he  or  she  says  :  This  is  Mr.  Mortimer,  Mrs. 
Fairfax.  It  gives  me  pleasure  to  present  him  to 
you."  The  married  lady  replies  according  to 
her  inclination,  of  course  regulating  the  expres- 
sion of  her  sentiments  by  courtesy  and  good- 
breeding.    If  she  be  glad  to  know  Mr.  Morti- 


IN  TROD  UCTIONS. 


17 


mer,  she  says  so  with  frankness  and  cordiality  ; 
and  she  briefly  thanks  the  presenting  party  as 
soon  as  she  has  accepted  the  new  acquaintance, 
and  then  the  presenter  retires.  The  young  lady 
can  only  express  a  polite  recognition  of  the 
gentleman  presented,  by  bowing,  smiling,  and 
mentioning  the  name  of  the  new  acquaintance  as 
a  response.  The  expressed  gratification  is  all 
made  by  the  gentleman,  and  he  will  never  fail  to 
say  some  complimentary  thing  to  her  in  regard 
to  the  ceremony.  Two  ladies  may  extend  hands 
to  each  other,  and  so  also  may  two  gentlemen, 
although  hand-shaking  is  not  so  common  as  for- 
merly. The  introduced  parties  may  be  as  friend- 
ly as  they  please  to  each  other,  although  exces- 
sive cordiality  is  not  considered  a  part  of  high- 
breeding  at  the  first  meeting  of  people  in  gen- 
eral society,  because  the  estimate  in  which  stran- 
gers hold  each  other  usually  rests  upon  a  flimsy 
or  a  fictitious  basis.  Hearty  good-fellowship  de- 
mands something  more  than  an  inventory  of  the 
features  of  those  whom  we  meet. 

If  the  difference  in  age  between  two  ladies 
or  two  gentlemen  be  unmistakably  perceptible, 


18 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


the  younger  is  introduced  to  the  elder.     If  a 
publicly-admitted  superiority  exists,  age,  unless 
very  advanced,  is  unconsidered  in  this  formality. 
The  unknown  to  fame  is  presented  to  the  fa-  *" 
mous. 

The  single  lady  is  introduced  to  the  married 
lady,  and  the  single  gentleman  to  the  married, 
other  things  being  equal. 

Those  persons  who  have  been  born  and 
reared  in  the  best  society  never  make  a  hasty 
presentation  or  introduction.  An  habitual 
though  momentary  reflection  adjusts  in  their 
own  minds  the  proper  relation  of  the  two  who 
are  about  to  be  made  known  to  each  other,  and 
unpleasant  mistakes  thus  become  almost  impos- 
sible. 

In  another  chapter  sufficient  is  written  in 
regard  to  that  easy  elegance  of  manner  which 
every  person  should  acquire  and  maintain  at 
a  private  party,  or  in  the  reception-room  of 
one  who  has  been  a  hostess.  Introductions 
are  considered  wholly  unnecessary  to  a  pleasant 
conversation.  Every  person  may  feel  that  he  is, 
at  least  for  the  time  being,  upon  a  social  equality 


IN  TRODUC  TIONS. 


19 


with  every  guest  who  is  present.  That  a  person 
was  bidden  to  the  entertainment  proves  that  the 
host  so  considers  him,  and  the  acceptance  of  the 
invitation  levels  him,  for  the  time  being,  either 
up  or  down  to  the  social  grade  of  all  whom  he 
may  meet,  no  matter  at  what  estimate  he  may 
hold  himself  when  elsewhere.  The  fact  that 
they  are  guests  of  the  same  hostess  places  them 
'upon  a  social  equality  that  each  is  compelled 
to  admit  temporarily  at  least.  It  is  a  "  roof 
introduction,"  as  it  is  aptly  styled  in  France, 
therefore,  a  lady  or  gentleman  must  conduct 
himself  or  herself,  while  remaining  in  the  house, 
as  if  there  were  a  no  more  exclusive  or  exalted 
society  in  all  the  world  than  that  which  is 
present.  To  converse  above  the  comprehen- 
sion of  a  temporary  companion  is  an  unpar- 
donable egotism,  and  to  convey  to  a  fellow-guest 
the  impression  that  surroundings  superior  to 
the  present  are  the  only  ones  with  which  the 
speaker  is  familiar  is  incontrovertible  testimony 
to  the  contrary.  If  polished  people  were  his 
only  customary  society,  unpleasant  comparisons 
would  be  impossible  to  his  tongue.  Genuine 


20 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


excellence  is  never  compelled  to  assert  or  ex- 
plain itself,  if  it  happens  to  be  thrown  among  a 
people  with  less  polished  formalities  of  manner, 
or  a  less  elegant  conduct  of  social  matters.  A 
nobility  of  sentiment  compels  its  possessors  to 
be  agreeable  to  simpler  folk  whom  they  meet, 
and  an  introduction  to  an  inferior  in  breeding 
and  position  will  never  be  met  with  other  than  a 
kindly  greeting.  It  is  for  the  gently  bred  to 
show  by  example  the  attractions  of  a  higher 
standard  of  conduct.  Superiority  of  character 
is  never  outwardly  disturbed  by  contact  with 
lesser  excellence.  It  is  self-centred,  and  holds 
itself  in  readiness  to  compel  others  to  be  con- 
tent with  its  presence.  There  should  be  no 
w^ounded  vanity  stirring  in  the  heart  of  the  one 
who  is  presented,  nor  an  inflated  pride  in  the 
mind  of  the  person  who  receives  a  new  acquaint- 
ance. The  accepted  formalities  for  making  pres- 
entations should  be  familiar  to  every  host  and 
hostess,  but  it  must  not  be  forgotten  that  mis- 
cellaneous introductions  have  fallen  into  disuse. 
Indeed,  they  are  seldom  made  except  by  re- 
quest, or  as  a  social  necessity  at  dinners,  dances, 


INTROD  UCTIONS. 


21 


etc.  A  superior  breeding  makes  conversation 
as  easy  and  entertaining  between  strangers,  who 
meet  at  the  house  of  a  friend,  as  if  their  names 
had  been  pronounced. 


III. 


SALUTATIONS. 


If  bowing  to  a  lady  expressed  deference, 
then  might  any  gentleman  incline  his  head  to 
every  woman  he  met;  but  it  does  not.  It 
means  recognition  and  nothing  else,  and  it  is 
her  prerogative  to  acknowledge  this,  and  the 
gentleman's  to  bestow  it  with  an  easy  and  def- 
erential grace.  Under  no  circumstances  have 
merely  formal  acquaintances,  who  are  equals  in 
age  and  position,  a  right  to  change  this  formality. 
Between  intimate  friends,  it  is  immaterial  which 
bows  first,  the  gentleman  or  lady.  The  lady 
may  be  distant  or  cordial  in  her  salutation,  and 
the  gentleman  must  be  respectfully  responsive  to 
her  manner,  and  claim  no  more  attention  than 
she  offers  to  him.  A  carefully-bred  lady  will 
never  be  capricious  in  her  public  recognitions  of 
gentlemen,  nor  will  she  be  demonstrative.  Self- 
respect  withholds  her  from  expressing  any  pri- 


SALUTATIONS, 


23 


vate  sentiments  of  dislike  in  her  public  greet- 
ings, although  she  may  refuse  to  recognize  an 
acquaintance  for  good  and  sufficient  reasons. 
Her  recognitions  will  be  fully  polite,  or  they 
will  not  be  made  at  all.  She  will  not  insult 
any  one  by  a  frigid  recognition,  which  may 
be  observed  by  strangers.  Under  all  circum- 
stances, upon  the  promenade,  the  street,  or  in 
other  public  places,  her  smiles  are  faint  and  her 
bows  are  reserved,  but  they  are  not  discourteous, 
and  no  gentleman  possesses  the  right  to  criti- 
cise this  dignified  demeanor,  no  matter  how  cor- 
dially she  may  have  received  him  at  a  recent 
ball,  or  when  he  last  paid  his  respects  to  her  at 
her  home. 

A  faint  smile  and  a  formal  bow  are  all  that 
the  most  refined  lady  accords  to  the  visitor  of 
her  family  when  she  passes  him  in  her  walks  or 
drives.  If  a  gentleman  lifts  his  hat  and  stops 
after  she  has  recognized  him,  he  may  beg  per- 
mission to  turn  and  accompany  her  for  a  little 
way,  or  even  a  long  distance.  Under  no  cir- 
cumstances will  he  stand  still  in  the  street  to 
converse  with  her,  or  be  offended  if  she  excuses 


24 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


herself  and  passes  on.  She  may  be  in  haste,  or 
otherwise  absorbed,  and  his  conversation  may 
be  an  interruption  to  her  thought,  even  though 
she  be  at  other  times  graciously  pleased  to  en- 
tertain him  with  her  social  accomplishments. 
Neither  may  he  ask  this  favor  of  her  unless  he 
be  an  admitted  friend  and  visitor  of  her  family. 

A  lady  may  remember  and  recognize  a  gen- 
tleman who  has  been  formally  presented  to  her, 
even  when  he  can  not  recall  her  face,  so  much 
change  does  evening  toilet  and  gaslight  often 
create  in  a  lady's  appearance.  His  acknowledg- 
ment of  her  recognition  must  be  as  respectfully 
courteous  to  an  apparent  stranger  as  it  would  be 
to  a  valued  friend.  The  passers  in  the  street 
know  no  difference  in  individuals.  A  gentleman 
is  compelled  to  suppose  that  an  apparent  lady  is 
a  lady,  but  a  lady  may  use  her  own  knowledge 
in  public  places,  and,  if  justified  unmistakably, 
she  may  be  oblivious  of  those  whom  she  does 
not  any  longer  include  within  her  circle  of 
friends. 

The  same  formalities  must  be  observed  at 
entertainments.    The  gentleman  who  is  a  formal 


SALUTATIONS. 


25 


acquaintance  waits  patiently  for  the  lady-guest 
to  recognize  his  presence.  Of  course  at  a  pri- 
vate party  no  lady  will  be  purposely  uncivil  to 
any  fellow-guest.  It  would  be  a  discourtesy  to 
an  entertainer.  Neither  will  she  show  sufficient 
gratification  at  meeting  a  gentleman,  that  the 
most  self-admiring  of  that  sex,  to  whom  vanity 
is  not  traditionally  imputed,  shall  be  enabled  to 
imagine  that  she  craves  his  attention. 

When  entering  a  parlor  to  pay  a  brief  visit, 
a  gentleman  should  always  carry  his  hat,  leaving 
his  overshoes,  overcoat,  and  umbrella  in  the  hall 
if  it  be  winter  time.  The  lady  rises  to  receive 
him,  unless  she  is  an  invalid,  or  advanced  in 
years,  in  which  case  she  receives  him  seated,  and 
excuses  herself  from  rising.  If  she  extends  her 
hand  to  him,  he  takes  it  respectfully ;  but  he 
does  not  remove  his  glove,  as  was  the  old  style. 
He  never  offers  his  hand  first.  He  can  not  do 
this  any  more  than  the  formal  acquaintance  can 
bow  first.  If  it  be  a  hasty  call,  and  others  are 
present,  he  seldom  seats  himself,  and  takes  leave 
very  soon  after  another  gentleman  enters^  even 
though  his  stay  has  been  very  brief.    The  lady 


26 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE, 


still  retains  her  seat  and  bows  her  adieux^  with- 
out extending  her  hand  a  second  time,  even  if 
she  offered  it  upon  his  entrance.  Hand-shaking 
is  very  properly  falling  into  disuse  in  ordinary 
visits. 

A  lady  never  accompanies  a  gentleman  to  the 
door  of  the  drawing-room,  much  less  to  the  vesti- 
bule, unless  she  desires  him  to  understand  that 
she  entertains  a  profoundly  respectful  regard 
for  him.  She  introduces  him  to  no  one,  unless 
there  be  some  especial  reason  why  this  formality 
should  take  place  ;  but  he  converses  with  her 
other  guests  just  as  if  he  had  met  them  before. 
No  after  recognition  is  warranted  between  gen- 
tlemen, or  between  ladies,  and  certainly  not 
between  a  lady  and  gentleman,  until  they  shall 
meet  again  in  the  drawing-room,  when  the  gift 
of  mutual  speech  is  resumed.  This  custom  may 
have  its  unpleasant  aspects,  but  it  is  one  of  the 
safeguards  of  society.  If  the  parties  desire  to 
be  presented  to  each  other,  the  opportunity  is 
afforded  them  at  these  casual  meetings.  The 
hostess  can  not  easily  refuse  this  formality  if  she 
be  asked  to  perform  it  ;  and,  if  the  acquaintance 


SALUTA  TIONS. 


27 


be  mutually  agreeable,  it  is  well  ;  but,  if  not,  the 
lady  can  terminate  it  speedily  between  herself 
and  a  gentleman.  It  may  not  end  thus  abruptly 
between  ladies,  or  between  gentlemen,  and  an 
easy  after-nod  of  recognition  costs  nothing,  and 
it  may  afford  pleasure  to  another.  Certainly 
there  must  be  some  positive  cause  for  dislike 
that  can  prevent  a  well-bred  person  from  bowing 
to  one  who  has  been  admitted  to  the  house  of  a 
mutual  acquaintance,  and  properly  introduced. 
Kindliness,  considerateness,  and  all  gracious 
courtesies  belong  together,  and  the  gently  bred 
are  not  likely  to  forget  to  express  these  charm- 
ing virtues. 

There  may  be  circumstances  when  a  gentle- 
man may  lift  his  hat  to  a  passing  lady,  even 
though  he  can  not  bow  to  her.  She  may  be 
offended  with  him,  and  yet  he  may  respect  and 
feel  kindly  toward  her.  He  may  deserve  her 
disregard,  and  it  is  permitted  him  to  express  his 
continued  reverence  by  uncovering  his  head  in 
her  presence  ;  but  he  has  no  right  to  look  at 
her  as  she  passes  him.    He  must  drop  his  eyes. 

He  lifts  his  hat  to  a  lady  whom  he  passes 


28 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


in  a  hall  or  corridor,  unless  the  place  be  a 
thoroughfare,  but  he  does  not  rest  his  glance 
upon  her.  This  is  an  expression  of  respect  and 
courtesy  to  the  sex. 

It  not  infrequently  happens  when  gentlemen 
are  driving,  that  they  can  not  touch  their  hats 
because  too  closely  occupied ;  but  a  cordial  bow 
satisfies  the  most  exacting  of  ladies  under  such 
circumstances.  When  riding  in  the  saddle  he 
may  lift  his  hat,  or  touch  its  rim  with  his  whip, 
according  to  convenience.  Etiquette  permits 
both  styles  of  greeting. 

In  passing  a  group  of  mourners  at  a  door- 
way, where  their  dead  is  being  carried  forth,  or 
a  funeral  cortege  in  a  quiet  street,  a  gentleman 
will  uncover  his  head.  This  is  a  beautiful 
French  custom,  and  it  is  now  so  fully  incorpo- 
rated with  our  own  habits  that  it  may  well  be 
styled  a  part  of  our  street  etiquette.  It  is  cer- 
tainly an  appropriate  recognition  of  a  sorrow 
that  some  time  or  other  falls  to  the  lot  of  all 
of  us. 

A  gentleman  always  lifts  his  hat  when  offer- 
ing a  service  to  a  lady,  whether  he  is  acquainted 


SALUTATIONS. 


29 


with  her  or  not.  It  may  be  the  restoration  of 
her  dropped  kerchief,  or  fan,  the  receiving  of 
her  money  to  pass  it  to  the  cash-box  of  a  car, 
the  opening  of  her  umbrella  as  she  descends 
from  a  carriage — all  the  same  ;  he  lifts  it  before 
he  offers  his  service,  or  during  the  courtesy,  if 
possible.  She  bows,  and,  if  she  choose,  she  also 
smiles  her  acknowledgment  ;  but  she  does  the 
latter  faintly,  and  she  does  not  speak.  To  say 
Thank  you !  "  is  not  an  excess  of  acknowledg- 
ment, but  it  has  ceased  to  be  etiquette.  A  bow 
may  convey  more  gratitude  than  speech. 

This  etiquette  has  been  criticised  as  an  in- 
adequate acknowledgment  of  an  attention,  but, 
if  those  who  are  able  to  arrange  a  kindlier  for- 
mula would  but  remember  that  it  is  quite  as 
gracious  to  receive  as  it  is  to  bestow  benefits, 
perhaps  they  would  be  satisfied  with  the  present 
usage. 

When  a  gentleman  accompanies  a  lady  upon 
w^hom  such  an  attention  is  bestowed,  he  always 
lifts  his  hat  and  says  "  Thank  you.  "  If  it  is  the 
giving  up  of  a  seat  to  the  lady,  he  will  not  seat 
himself  while  the  obliging  stranger  is  still  stand- 


80 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


ing,  but  call  his  attention  to  the  first  vacant 
place,  should  he  be  unobservant  of  it,  and  thus 
again  acknowledge  his  appreciation  of  a  civility 
shown  to  the  lady. 

A  gentleman  opens  a  door  for  a  strange  lady, 
holds  it  open  with  one  hand  and  lifts  his  hat 
with  the  other,  while  she  passes  through  in  ad- 
vance of  him.  He  always  offers  her  the  pre- 
cedence ;  but  he  does  it  silently,  and  without 
resting  his  gaze  upon  her,  as  if  he  would  say, 
"  You  are  a  lady  and  I  am  a  gentleman.  I  am 
polite  for  both  our  sakes.  You  may  be  young 
and  charming,  or  you  may  be  old  and  ugly ;  it 
is  all  the  same  to  me.  I  have  not  looked  at  you 
to  discern,  but  I  am  certain  that  you  are  a  lady." 

A  gentleman  who  is  walking  in  the  street 
with  a  lady  touches  his  hat,  and  bows  to  whom- 
ever she  salutes  in  passing.  This  is  done  in 
compliment  to  her  acquaintance,  who  is  most 
likely  a  stranger  to  him.  If  accompanying  her 
across  a  drawing-room,  and  she  bows  to  a 
friend,  he  inclines  his  head  also  ;  but  he  does 
not  speak. 

He  always  raises  his  hat  when  he  begs  a 


SALUTATIONS. 


31 


lady's  pardon  for  an  inadvertence,  whether  he 
is  known  to  her  or  not. 

Ladies  who  entertain  hospitably,  and  possess 
hosts  of  acquaintances,  are  likely  to  invite  many 
young  gentlemen  with  whose  families  they  are 
familiar,  but  who  seldom  have  an  opportunity  of 
seeing  their  young  friends  except  for  a  moment 
or  two  during  an  evening  party.  It  would  be 
strange  if,  sometimes,  these  ladies  should  not 
fail  to  recognize  a  recent  guest  when  they  meet 
on  the  promenade.  Young  gentlemen  are  over- 
sensitive about  these  matters,  and  imagine  that 
there  must  be  a  reason  for  this  apparent  indiffer- 
ence. If  young  gentlemen  were  not  compelled, 
or  did  not  choose  to  make  their  party  calls  by 
card,  they  would  less  often  suffer  through  these 
omissions  of  courtesy.  That  a  lady  invites  him 
to  her  house  is  an  evidence  of  her  respect ;  but 
she  can  not  charge  her  memory  with  the  features 
of  her  multitude  of  young  acquaintances,  much 
as  she  would  like  to  show  them  this  courtesy. 
She  is  very  likely  a  matron  with  many  social 
cares,  and  this  is  one  of  those  exceptional  cases 

when  a  gentleman  should  be  permitted  to  lift  his 
3 


32 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


hat  in  passing,  and  thus  perhaps  spare  the  lady 
from  an  after-consciousness  of  having  wounded 
his  feelings.  They  are  neither  equals  in  age  nor 
position,  consequently  he  may  use  his  own  re- 
fined discretion  as  to  whether  he  will  express 
recognition  or  not.  It  would  not  be  improper, 
because  she  is  his  superior.  She  desired  him  to 
be  her  guest,  which  signified  her  acceptance  of 
his  acquaintance,  and  thus  this  acquaintance  has 
become  something  more  than  formal. 


IV. 


STRANGERS  IN  TOWN. 

It  is  the  rule  among  our  best  people  to  call 
upon  the  stranger  who  is  in  town.  It  is  contrary 
to  the  usages  of  most  polite  nations,  but  we  long 
ago  adopted  it,  and  present  society  approves  of 
it.  It  has  its  pleasant  and  its  unpleasant  aspects, 
but  the  more  satisfactory  ones  predominate. 
When  a  circle  is  large  enough,  and  agreeable 
enough,  combining  such  varieties  of  people  as 
make  it  entertaining,  a  stranger,  who  is  sensitive 
and  considerate,  feels  unwilling  to  intrude  upon 
it  without  an  invitation.  To  thrust  one's  self 
among  those  who  feel  no  social  needs,  requires 
an  amount  of  self-approbation  that  is  not  pos- 
sessed by  the  really  admirable  character.  On 
the  other  hand,  it  is  exceedingly  unfortunate  for 
the  stranger  who  must  wait  outside  the  gates  of 
society  until  some  one  shall  think  of  him,  and 
find  time  and  inclination  to  go  out  of  a  pleasant 


34 


SOCIAL  ETIQCETTE. 


circle  and  invite  the  lonely  individual  into  its 
charmed  precincts. 

But,  then,  who  of  us  is  there  who  would  not 
rather  wait  and  be  sought,  than  to  be  considered 
an  eager  intruder  ?  Time  may  seem  to  move 
too  slowly  to  the  impatient  lover  of  society,  but 
still  it  does  not  stand  still,  and  recognition  comes 
eventually  if  the  stranger  possesses  attractive 
qualities  of  mind,  manner,  and  character. 

If  the  visitor  brings  letters  of  introduction, 
an  entree  to  society  is  easy  through  the  usually 
observed  forms,  which  will  be  fully  treated  in 
another  chapter.  If  strangers  who  have  come  to 
reside  with  us,  or  even  to  visit  our  locality,  bear 
credentials  of  respectability,  courteous  and  hos- 
pitable residents  will  call  upon  them,  after  suffi- 
cient time  has  elapsed  for  the  recently-arrived  to 
have  adjusted  themselves  to  their  new  positions. 

No  introduction  is  necessary  in  such  case. 
The  resident  ladies  call  between  two  and  five 
o'clock,  send  in  their  own  with  their  husbands' 
or  their  fathers'  or  brothers'  cards,  and,  if  they 
find  the  strangers  disengaged,  a  brief  and  cordial 
interview  ends  the  first  visit.    This  must  be  re- 


STRAXGERS  JN  TOWN. 


35 


turned  within  a  week,  or  a  note  of  apology  and 
explanation  for  the  omission  is  sent,  and  the  re- 
turn-visit is  then  paid  later  on.  If  a  card  be 
sent  in  return  for  this  visit,  or  is  left  in  person 
without  an  effort  to  see  the  parties  who  have 
made  the  first  visit,  it  is  understood  that  the 
strangers  prefer  solitude,  or  that  there  are  rea- 
sons why  they  can  not  receive  visitors.  The  one 
who  has  offered  the  welcoming  hand  of  kindli- 
ness will  have  fulfilled  a  social  duty,  and  there  is 
no  reason  for  regretting  the  attempt  to  entertain 
the  stranger.  It  is  more  than  possible  that  some 
unhappy  circumstance  compels  this  reserve.  At 
any  rate,  it  is  far  better  to  look  for  some  svv^eet 
spring  as  the  source  of  all  incomprehensible  con- 
duct than  it  is  to  imagine  an  unpleasant  or  bitter 
one. 

A  second  visit  to  the  stranger  is  far  more 
gratifying  or  satisfying  than  the  first  one,  be- 
cause it  is  an  assurance  that  the  older  resident 
really  found  pleasure  in  meeting  the  new-comer, 
while  the  first  one  might  have  been  one  of  duty 
or  for  observation,  but  the  next  call  is  an  agree- 
able assurance  of  approval. 


36 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE, 


A  gentleman  can  not  make  a  first  call  upon 
the  ladies  of  the  family  of  a  new-comer  without 
an  introduction  or  an  i:ivitation,  even  though 
he  be  a  married  neighbor.  His  lady  friend,  or 
kinswoman,  may  leave  his  card,  and  afterward 
he  may  receive  an  invitation,  verbal  or  written, 
to  make  the  new  acquaintance.  Under  such  cir- 
cumstances the  usual  formality  of  introduction 
may  be  made  by  his  second  visiting-card,  which 
he  will  send  in  to  announce  himself  at  the  time 
of  his  visit,  provided  he  pays  his  respects  to  the 
new  household  unaccompanied  by  a  common 
friend. 

The  sending  of  his  card  to  the  strangers  was 
an  unmistakable  request  to  make  their  acquaint- 
ance. If  his  visits  be  undesirable,  the  way  is 
opened  for  an  easy  method  of  declining  them. 
His  card  need  not  be  noticed.  This  refusal  of 
friendliness  is  far  less  awkward  and  unpleasant 
for  both  parties  than  to  ask  permission  verbally 
to  become  a  visitor  and  be  verbally  rejected. 
Sometimes  there  are  unfortunate  family  compli- 
cations or  conditions  which  compel  a  refusal  of 
gentlemen's  society,  but  which  are  unexplain- 


STRANGERS  IN  TOWN. 


37 


able.  Painful  necessities  are  oftenest  the  very 
ones  least  easy  of  explanation.  No  gentleman 
possesses  a  reasonable  ground  for  offense,  or  for 
feeling  hurt,  if  he  be  not  admitted  as  a  visitor  to 
a  family  whose  circumstances  and  conditions  are 
unfamihar  to  him.  It  is  not  difficult  to  imagine 
that  the  stranger  who  refuses  to  accept  a  new 
friend  is  likely  to  suffer  more  than  the  rejected 
person. 

A  stranger  can  make  no  overtures  for  ac- 
quaintance to  older  residents,  but,  as  frequently 
happens  in  large  towns,  two  men  or  two  women 
may  have  desired  each  other's  society  for  a  long 
time,  but  the  formalities  of  an  introduction  have 
been  beyond  easy  reach.  Or  their  names,  even, 
may  have  been  unknown  to  each  other.  They 
meet  at  the  house  of  a  friend,  and  conversation, 
either  with  or  without  presentation,  often  leads 
to  a  wish  for  further  intercourse.  This  desire  is 
expressed,  and  a  m^utual  interchange  of  kindly 
interest  and  addresses  takes  place.  The  ques- 
tion then  arises,  Who  shall  pay  the  first  visit }  " 
This  is  one  of  those  matters  which  settle  them- 
selves.    Mutual  liking  and  sincere  expressions 


38 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


of  regard  prepare  the  way  for  either  one  to  make 
the  initiative  call.  If  one  lady  be  the  younger 
by  many  years,  she  should  call  first.  This  eti- 
quette is  based  upon  the  supposition  that  the 
elder  lady  belongs  to  a  larger  circle  of  friends, 
and  has  more  pressing  social  duties  than  the 
younger  one.  If  the  parties  are  equal  in  age 
and  position,  the  one  whose  reception-day  ar- 
rives earliest  should  receive  the  first  call. 

If  their  "  at-home  "  hours  are  at  the  same 
time,  a  mutual  arrangement,  or  the  urgency  of 
their  admiration  for  each  other,  will  settle  this 
easily  enough  without  formality. 

Aged  gentlemen  or  ladies,  eminent  persons, 
and  clergymen,  always  receive  the  first  call. 
It  is  proper  to  leave  a  card  for  them,  even 
when  they  are  known  to  be  too  much  engaged 
either  to  receive  in  person  or  to  return  calls  of 
ceremony.  The  card  signifies  respectful  and 
appreciative  remembrance. 

No  custom  is  more  significant  of  the  highest 
and  noblest  breeding  and  the  gentlest  culture, 
than  that  of  remembering  the  aged  by  all  pleas- 
ant formalities.     Our  citizens  are  accused  by 


STRANGERS  IN  TOWN. 


39 


other  nations  of  indifference  to  those  who  are 
advanced  in  years.  This  may  be  true  of  selfish 
people  and  of  plebeians,  but  it  is  not  true  of  our 
refined  and  high-toned  members  of  society.  A 
thoughtful  courtesy  and  a  tender  consideration 
make  the  late  afternoon  of  life  beautiful  with 
respectful  regard,  even  when  a  lack  of  familiar 
acquaintance  has  withheld  affectionate  devotion. 


DEBUTS  IN  SOCIETY. 


This  expression  really  signifies  less  than  it 
ought  in  America,  and  it  applies,  in  its  ordinary 
sense,  to  ladies  only.  The  gentleman  of  Europe, 
especially  the  first-born  in  England,  is  consid- 
ered worthy  of  especial  notice  on  the  day  upon 
which  he  attains  his  majority.  Oftener  than 
otherwise,  the  honors  thrust  upon  him  at  this 
time,  by  those  who  are  beyond  the  strict  limits 
of  kinship,  are  measured  by  his  prospective  im- 
portance. It  is  quite  otherwise  with  the  young 
lady,  either  in  Europe  or  America.  According 
to  the  combined  convictions  and  desires  of 
parent  and  child,  the  time  fixed  for  the  girl  to 
become  a  young  lady,  in  the  estimation  of  soci- 
ety, is  from,  seventeen  to  twenty.  If  there  are 
older  unwed  sisters,  her  ddbut  is  often  postponed, 
for  reasons  which  need  no  explanation.  The 
mamma  determines  the  time  when,  by  a  proper 


DEBUTS  IN  SOCIETY. 


41 


celebration,  her  daughter  shall  be  accepted  by 
the  world  as  a  fully  matured  woman,  who  may 
receive  the  homage  of  gentlemen  if  she  desires 
their  attention.  She  marks  this  transition  of  her 
daughter  from  girl-life  to  young  ladyhood  by  in- 
viting only  fitting  friends  to  her  house,  where  she 
may  present  this  daughter  to  them  as  a  member 
of  their  circle.  This  ceremony  should  convey 
the  information  to  the  world  that  the  young  lady 
has  been  graduated  in  all  the  accomplishments 
and  knowledge  necessary  to  make  her  acceptable 
to  society.  In  fact,  it  should  mean  that  she  has 
been  instructed  in  all  that  deft  wisdom  which 
will  be  required  by  a  belle  of  her  circle  and  a 
queen  of  a  household,  for  which  she  is,  as  all 
women  are,  a  candidate. 

Especially  is  it  assumed  that  she  has  been 
thoroughly  taught  that  when  she  enters  society 
she  must  obey  its  social  laws  to  the  letter,  and 
assume  all  its  duties  and  its  sometimes  weari- 
some bondage. 

Young  lady  readers  will  object  to  the  asser- 
tion that  they  are  candidates  for  marriage,  and  it 
is  very  common  for  them  to  decline  wedlock  be- 


42 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


fore  they  have  been  invited  to  accept  it,  on  prin- 
ciples of  modesty,  just  as  ambitious  politicians 
refuse  offices  before  nomination.  It  is  natu- 
ral for  women  to  become  wives,  and  all  the 
proper  aims  of  a  girl's  life  tend  toward  this  re- 
lation, the  hero  of  which  surely  lives  somewhere 
in  her  hopes  of  the  future,  no  matter  how  vague 
and  shapeless  that  other  perhaps  unknown  but 
essential  party  to  the  alliance  may  be,  who  is 
hidden  away  in  her  imagination.  He  is  most 
certainly  in  existence,  else  debuts  in  society 
would  never  have  been  formulated  as  an  essen- 
tial etiquette. 

A  debut  is  a  barrier  between  an  immaturity 
of  character  and  culture  and  an  admission  of 
the  completion  of  both.  Previous  to  this  event 
a  young  girl  is  not  supposed  to  be  sufficiently 
intelligent  to  be  interesting  to  her  elders  among 
her  own  sex,  and  certainly  not  worldly-wise 
enough  to  associate  with  gentlemen. 

In  New  York's  best  society  she  is  never  seen 
at  a  party  that  is  composed  of  mature  people 
outside  of  her  father's  house,  previous  to  the 
finishing  of  her  education  ;  nor  is  she  present 


DEBUTS  IN  SOCIETY. 


43 


at  any  formal  entertainment  given  at  her  own 
residence,  except  it  be  on  birthday  anniversa- 
ries, christenings,  or  marriages. 

Even  admitting  that  the  young  girl  is  pre- 
cocious enough  to  be  interesting  to  her  mother's 
guests,  and  that  she  has  sufficient  maturity  of 
intellect,  and  is  discreet  in  her  conversation 
with  her  elders,  and  with  gentlemen  in  particu- 
lar, a  single  taste  of  the  fascinations  of  social 
life  will  interrupt  the  quiet  and  grave  com- 
pletion of  her  education,  which  is  supposed  to 
be  most  serious  and  absorbing  between  the  ages 
of  fifteen  and  eighteen  years. 

This  explanation  of  our  etiquette  may  be 
received  as  an  expostulation  intended  for  smaller 
towns  where  young  girls  too  often  enter  society 
before  leaving  school.  If  this  pernicious  custom 
could  only  be  made  unfashionable  in  localities 
where  it  exists,  the  young  girl  would  submit  to 
remain  a  student  much  longer,  and  her  expectant 
circle  would  receive  a  superior  woman  when  she 
enlarges  it  with  her  matured  presence. 

Just  previous  to  her  formal  presentation  or 
debut,  her  mother  and  her  elder  unmarried  sis- 


44 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


ters  — if  she  have  them — pay  visits,  or  at  least 
leave  their  own  with  their  father's  and  brothers' 
cards,  upon  all  acquaintances  whom  they  intend 
to  invite  to  be  present  at  the  debut.  Engraved 
invitations  follow  this  formality,  and  they  are 
issued  about  ten  or  fifteen  days  previous  to  the 
event.  If  they  are  sent  by  post,  an  extra  outer 
envelope  incloses  all  the  invitations  that  are 
directed  to  one  family.  If  they  are  delivered 
by  messenger,  the  outer  wrap  is  no  longer  in  use. 
The  post  has  become  as  suitable  a  method  as 
any  for  conveying  social  messages.  One  en- 
velope is  directed  to  Mr.  and  Mrs.  A.  If  there 
are  more  daughters  than  one,  their  address  is 
"  Misses  A.,"  or,  if  preferred,  "  The  Misses  A." 
Each  son  receives  a  separate  invitation.  The 
question  need  not  be  asked  why  the  young 
gentlemen  of  a  household  must  each  be  indi- 
vidually invited  when  the  daughters  are  not, 
because  no  satisfactory  answer  can  be  given. 
It  is  simply  the  custom.  Replies  are  sent  as 
addressed,  though  it  is  not  unusual  for  mothers 
to  answer  for  their  young  daughters,  but  never 
for  their  sons. 


DEBUTS  IN  SOCIETY. 


45 


All  the  invitations  for  one  family  are  in- 
closed in  a  single  outer  envelope,  which  is 
directed  to  the  head  of  the  household.  They 
are  engraved  upon  cards  or  upon  note-paper. 
If  upon  the  latter,  and  a  cipher  or  crest  is  used, 
it  is  placed  at  the  top  of  the  sheet  in  distinction 
to  letter-paper,  where  it  is  printed  at  the  right 
upper  corner.  Its  engraving  is  a  clear,  plain 
script,  without  ornamental  flourishes.  Notes  or 
cards  upon  which  the  special  purpose  of  the 
entertainment  is  given,  with  the  name  of  the 
debutante  upon  them,  are  sometimes  ordered,  but 
this  is  rarely  done,  and  it  has  not  the  sanction 
of  some  fastidious  mothers. 

The  following  is  the  present  formula  : 

MR,  AND  MRS.   HENRY  WEST  LEACROFT. 
request  the  pleasure 
of  introducing  their  daughter^ 

Ethel  Agnes, 

to 

Monday  evenings  January  ^th,  at  half-past  nine  o'clock. 

59  Great  Hubert  Street. 


46 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


Another  method  is  to  inclose  the  young 
lady's  card  in  an  invitation  to  a  dinner,  party, 
reception,  or  baJl. 

A  reply  to  such  an  invitation,  if  for  evening, 
should  not  be  delayed  beyond  five  days,  and  not 
at  all  if  it  can  be  avoided.  If  it  is  a  dinner,  the 
answer  must  be  sent  within  tvrenty-four  hours. 
It  is  written  in  the  same  form  and  style  as  the 
invitation  is  engraved  : 

MR.   AND  MRS.   STILLMAN  JACKSON 
accept  7vith  pleasure 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Henry  West  Leacroft's 

kind  i?7vitation  for  Monday  evening,  January  jth. 
6  Tudor  Place.-  December  20th, 

A  simple  dei^uf  is  an  afternoon  "  at  home " 
with  the  young  lady's  card  engraved  below  her 
mother's.  If  she  be  the  eldest  it  is  Miss  Lea- 
croft,  but  if  she  be  a  younger  daughter  she  is 
Miss  Ethel  Agnes  Leacroft.  To  this  afternoon 
reception  no  reply  is  made,  but  cards  must  be 
left  in  the  hall  for  the  young  lady  as  well  as  the 
mother,  and  if  the  invitation  is  not  accepted, 
cards  must  be  sent  to  both  mother  and  daughter. 


DEBUTS  IN  SOCIETY. 


47 


This  IS  only  for  the  convenience  of  a  hostess  with 
many  acquaintances,  and  of  course  she  keeps  a 
written  account  of  visits  made  and  returned. 

When  a  reply  is  made  to  an  invitation  sent 
to  a  mother  and  one  daughter,  the  elder  lady  may 
reply  for  both,  but,  if  there  is  more  than  one 
daughter,  the  reply  commences  thus.  The  Misses 
Leacroft,  etc.  Each  young  gentleman  replies 
for  himself. 

Intimate  friends  may  send  flowers  on  the 
day  of  the  young  girl's  first  appearance,  if  they 
please ;  but  it  is  not  a  rigid  custom.  It  is  only 
a  pretty  and  pleasant  welcome  to  her  as  she 
enters  the  world. 

The  mother  places  herself  near  the  entrance 
of  the  drawing-room,  and  the  daughter  stands 
next  beyond  her,  and  then  the  father,  if  it  is 
an  evening  reception  or  a  dinner.  The  mother 
greets  and  welcomes  each  one  of  her  guests,  and 
then  she  introduces  the  debutante. 

Of  course,  welcomes  and  brief  congratula- 
tory compliments  are  offered  to  her  by  each 
guest,  and  then  place  is  made  for  the  presenta- 
tion of  others  who  are  arriving. 
4 


48 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE, 


When  supper  or  dinner  is  announced,  if  there 
is  no  brother,  the  father  escorts  the  young  lady 
to  the  table,  and  the  mother  follows  at  the  last, 
accompanied  by  the  most  honored  of  the  gentle- 
men present.  If  there  be  a  brother,  the  father 
leads  the  way  with  the  eldest  or  most  distin- 
guished lady  of  the  party,  and  the  brother  es- 
corts the  debutante^  and  places  her  at  her  father's 
left  hand. 

The  gentleman  who  is  her  partner  in  the  first 
dance  is  usually  selected  by  the  mother  from 
among  the  nearest  and  dearest  friends  of  the 
family  ;  more  than  likely  he  is  a  kinsman.  This 
is  arranged  in  advance.  He  dances  but  once 
with  her ;  nor  does  any  other  gentleman  ask  for 
this  honor  a  second  time,  although  he  may  ex- 
press his  regret  to  her  that  such  a  pleasure  is 
denied  him  by  the  natural  rights  of  others  who 
wish  to  be  her  partner  upon  this  first  evening  of 
her  appearance. 

Visits  of  ceremony  that  are  paid  to  the 
hostess  following  this  entertainment  of  course 
include  this  young  lady,  but  during  her  first 
season  in  society  she  has  no  card  of  her  own. 


DEBUTS  IN  SOCIETY, 


49 


Nor  does  she  pay  formal  visits  alone.  If  she  be 
the  eldest  unwed  daughter,  her  name  is  here- 
after, or  at  least  during  one  year,  engraved  as 
Miss  Leacroft,  beneath  that  of  her  mother.  If 
she  have  elder  sisters  at  home,  her  name  is  en- 
graved as  Miss  Ethel  Agnes  Leacroft.  During 
this  first  season  she  does  not  receive  gentlemen 
visitors  without  a  chaperon  under  any  pressure 
of  circumstances.  If  her  mother  is  unable  to 
receive  with  her,  she  declines  a  visit.  After  the 
second  season  her  own  separate  card  may  be  left 
upon  friends,  either  alone  or  with  those  of  other 
members  of  her  family,  if  desired. 

This  formality  past,  the  young  lady  may  be 
considered  launched  into  that  fascinating  world 
of  social  intercourse  and  fashionable  pleasures 
toward  which  she  has  most  likely  looked  long- 
ingly during  two  or  three  years. 

A  young  gentleman  somehow  slips  into  so- 
ciety without  formality.  Whether  or  not  it  is 
because  during  the  early  years  of  the  man  he 
usually  dislikes  young  ladies  who  are  not  his 
cousins,  or  because  he  is  off  at  college  and  fully 
absorbed,  it  is  not  easy  to  determine.  Certain 


50 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


it  is  that  the  young  man  finds  his  way  into  the 
charmed  circle  without  much  difficulty.  He 
begins  by  endeavoring  to  assist  his  mother  at 
her  entertainments,  and  by  being  an  escort  to 
his  sisters  on  informal  evening  visits  among  lady 
intimates,  where  his  maturity  and  attractions  win 
for  him  a  future  invitation. 

If  he  has  been  educated  abroad,  or  has  been 
absent  from  home,  upon  his  return  to  town  his 
mother  or  sisters  leave  his  card  with  their  own, 
which  bit  of  paper  signifies  that  his  family  ex- 
pect him  to  be  include/i  in  whatever  courtesies 
and  hospitalities  are  extended  to  themselves. 

"  The  lad  seldom  longs  for  society,  but  the 
lass  craves  it  the  moment  that  she  feels  a  stir  of 
self-consciousness,"  insists  an  observer  of  the 
differences  between  boys  and  girls.  If  this  be  a 
truth,  the  necessary  dividing  line  between  the 
miss  and  the  young  lady  can  not  be  too  strongly 
marked,  nor  the  importance  of  that  formal  bar- 
rier called  a  debut^  be  overestimated 


VI. 


CHAPERONS  AND  ESCORTS. 

In  our  republic  it  is  not  that  the  young 
woman  of  good  breeding  and  fair  education  is 
made  indifferent  to  appearances,  or  that  she  is 
in  any  sense  unable  to  take  entire  care  of  her- 
self, or  that  the  men  whom  she  is  likely  to  meet 
upon  her  own  social  level  are  untrustworthy,  that 
etiquette  has  made  chaperonage  in  New  York  an 
established  and  even  a  rigid  law,  as  also  it  is  in 
most  Eastern  cities.  The  young  unmarried 
woman  neither  enters  society  nor  receives  gen- 
tlemen visitors  unattended  by  an  elder  or  at 
least  a  married  lady  or  a  kinsman  who  is  nearly 
related  to  her. 

There  are  social  circles  farther  inland,  and 
many  of  them  too,  where  the  young  woman 
would  feel  highly  indignant  at  the  suggestion 
that  a  third  person  is  necessary  to  her  group  for 
propriety's  sake  when  she  receives  male  visitors 


52  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


or  goes  out  with  a  young  man  to  ride  or  drive. 
Of  course  from  her  mental  attitude,  from  the 
self-respecting  standpoint  to  which  her  mind  has 
been  trained  and  the  habits  of  her  own  life  and 
also  of  those  about  her,  she  is  fully  justified  in 
her  angry  protest  against  the  Duenna  system 
that  has  been  wisely  adopted  in  New  York. 
For  her  to  go  out  with  a  man  unattended  by  a 
household  friend  is  not  in  any  sense  bad  form. 
Her  education  permits  it  and  usage  approves. 
The  traditions  of  her  family  and  those  of  her 
associates  have  instructed  her  in  all  the  proprie- 
ties, and  she  is  strong  in  dignity,  discretion,  and 
modesty.  She  is  quite  well  aware  of  all  the 
proper  courtesies  that  she  may  extend  to  male  ac- 
quaintances, and  equally  well  of  all  that  are  due 
to  herself  from  them  under  usual  circumstances. 
She  expects  them,  and  she  would  exact  them  if 
they  were  not  offered  to  her,  and  she  is  right. 
She  may  receive  costly  entertainments  as  amuse- 
ments from  them  as  proper  homage  to  herself  as 
a  woman,  or  perhaps  as  their  social  sacrifices 
that  are  no  more  than  the  duty  of  any  unmar- 
ried or  unengaged  man  to  bestow  upon  any 


CHAPERONS  AND  ESCORTS. 


53 


unmarried  woman  whose  hand  is  still  her  own. 
The  customs  of  the  locality  and  her  innate  sense 
of  propriety  are  her  guide  as  to  how  many  or 
how  general  these  attentions  may  be.  By  atten- 
tions is  meant  theatre  and  opera  tickets,  dinners, 
suppers,  and  the  like,  but  by  no  means  gifts. 
The  latter  have  quite  a  different  effect  upon  her 
sense  of  delicacy  and  her  independence.  This 
young  woman  with  a  sweet  modesty,  a  strong 
self-respect,  and  a  consciousness  of  personal 
power  would  feel  as  if  she  were  being  watched 
and  suspected  if  she  were  limited  only  to  such 
courtesies  from  gentlemen  as  were  guarded  by  a 
third  person,  or  to  visits  at  which  her  mother  or 
an  elderly  relative  was  necessarily  present  for 
propriety's  sake. 

On  the  other  hand,  the  young  man  with 
similar  rearing  would  rebel  against  a  chaperon 
as  an  insult  to  his  honor  and  to  his  intentions, 
and  he  would  also  hold  it  to  be  a  tyranny  to  the 
woman  to  whom  he  desired  to  express  a  respect- 
ful civility  or  an  ordinary  courtesy.  Could  he, 
however,  mingle  but  a  little  while  with  society 
on  the  seaboard,  and  observe  the  effect  or  in- 


54 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


fluences  which  an  easy  and  close  hospitality  with 
all  Europe  has  had  upon  its  social  customs,  he 
would  soon  be  convinced  that  it  is  far  better,  at 
least  for  the  young  woman,  to  conform  to  the 
usages  of  aliens  in  their  essential  ceremonials 
than  it  would  be  to  attempt  to  establish  an  inde- 
pendent code  for  herself. 

To  the  foreigner  the  guarding  of  young 
womanhood  from  a  too  familiar  acquaintance 
with  what  is  called  "  a  man  of  the  world  "  is  a 
mark  of  tender  respect  for  her.  The  European 
venerates  this  young  woman  because  her  family 
treasures  her,  and  because  he  does  not  know 
how  to  respect  those  who  are  less  carefully  shel- 
tered. This  is  his  misfortune,  and  it  has  added 
another  burden  to  our  own  social  life.  How- 
ever, it  can  not  be  evaded  while  we  intermingle 
so  generally  with  foreigners  and  our  people 
intermarry  with  them.  We  are  compelled  to 
submit  to  the  consequences  of  their  inherited 
prejudices  because  they  can  not  escape  them,  and 
doubtless  would  not  if  they  could.  And  yet  we 
would  like  them  to  understand  that  it  is  not 
because  we  suspect  our  women  of  foolishness 


CHAPERONS  AND  ESCORTS.  55 


or  that  the  young  women  of  our  republic  lack 
in  self-reverence  or  a  mental  capacity  that  is  suffi- 
cient for  a  quick  defense  of  a  moral  principle  or 
a  social  propriety,  or  that  we  have  not  a  complete 
confidence  in  the  fine  moral  sense  and  chivalric 
honor  of  all  true  American  men,  that  a  guardian 
has  been  placed  over  our  young  sisters.  It  is 
to  protect  them  only  from  the  disrespect  of  those 
foreign-born  men,  yes,  and  women  too,  who  be- 
lieve in  inherited  distinctions  and  class  privi- 
leges, and  who  also  have  a  conviction  that  by 
nature  all  youthful  women  require  protection  to 
guard  them  from  falling  victims  to  their  own 
indiscretions  of  speech  and  manners,  and  also  to 
the  frivolous  influences  of  the  other  sex.  Of 
course  foreigners  can  not  avoid  bringing  over 
with  them  their  own  race  prejudices,  and  their 
own  inherited  and  cultivated  family  peculiarities 
which  they  usually  mention  as  "  their  social  prin- 
ciples." In  the  presence  of  a  constant  flow  of 
international  hospitalities  no  self-regardful  young 
woman  is  willing  to  appear  in  the  eyes  of  others 
as  if  she  were  independent  of  the  proprieties,  or 
as  if  she  were  not  quite  as  highly  bred  and  as 


66 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


tenderly  guarded  by  her  own  family  as  are  the 
young  women  of  other  countries.  Even  though 
she  is  fully  aware  that  she  requires  no  chaperon, 
and  is  amply  capable  of  saving  herself  from  im- 
pertinence and  from  trifling  indignities,  and  that 
she  can  always  and  under  all  probable  circum- 
stances win  for  herself  the  most  respectful  of 
civilities,  still  she  is  glad  to  permit  others  to 
assume  this  responsibility.  Nor  yet  is  she  will- 
ing to  appear  in  the  eyes  of  her  Old  World  ac- 
quaintances and  friends  as  one  who  could  scorn 
or  even  be  willing  to  evade  such  social  cere- 
monials and  formalities  as  are  held  to  be  honor- 
able and  sacred  by  the  best  men  and  women  of 
Eurooe.  She  concludes  that  if  such  regulations 
are  befitting  the  good,  the  refined,  and  the  self- 
respecting  young  women,  doubtless  they  must  be 
essentially  needful  for  the  giddy,  the  unwise,  and 
the  disobedient,  and  she  accepts  the  restriction 
patiently.  Hence,  no  matter  if  such  observances 
are  convenient  or  inconvenient,  republican  or 
monarchical  in  their  origin,  the  social  fact  re- 
mains the  same  that  the  chaperon  has  become 
an  established  and  unevadable  necessity,  much 


CHAPERONS  AND  ESCORTS. 


57 


to  the  poor  woman's  discomfort.  The  young 
girl  can  not  go  into  society  without  her,  and  each 
becomes  a  burden  upon  the  other.  The  young 
lady  of  fine  feeling  and  gentle  consideration 
makes  this  position  of  her  elders  as  easy  and  as 
agreeable  as  possible. 

Especially  is  the  relation  of  chaperon  weari- 
some to  the  American  while  in  Europe,  where 
no  young  lady  who  desires  an  admission  into 
exclusive  and  refined  circles  may  appear  alone 
upon  the  street,  even  for  the  briefest  distance. 
Of  course  an  attending  maid  is  not  attractive 
society,  and,  besides,  not  all  American  ladies 
travel  with  maids  or  with  companions  as  do  the 
English  and  French. 

The  considerate  and  kindly  young  girl  often 
relinquishes  her  drive  or  walk  rather  than  weary 
or  bore  her  elders,  and  the  latter  are  constantly 
making  unacknowledged  sacrifices  for  the  pleas- 
ure of  their  youthful  friends.  To  be  chaperoned 
is  considered  one  of  the  elegancies  of  social  life, 
even  by  those  who  take  small  heed  of  the  deeper 
significance  of  the  custom,  and  the  inauguration 
of  this  office  is  already  held  by  them  as  one  of 


58 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE, 


the  graces  of  the  best  society,  and  they  also 
esteem  it  as  one  of  its  desirable  pomps. 

This  adoption  of  a  fixed  law,  that  is  as 
troublesome  as  it  may  be  discreet,  is  another 
proof  of  our  adaptability  to  whatever  public  or 
private  ceremonials  or  regulations  a  higher  or 
an  older  civilization  has  already  placed  beyond 
dispute  to  be  wiser  or  more  expedient  than  our 
own  earlier  usages. 

Nor  is  it  to  our  discredit  that  we  should 
have  considered  the  safety  of  society  first  of  all 
things,  and  that  the  best  citizens  prefer  an  elab- 
orate ceremoniousness  and  a  rigid  conserva- 
tism that  avoids  the  chance  of  evil,  and,  indeed, 
all  appearance  of  it,  rather  than  to  stubbornly 
hold  to  that  earlier  social  freedom  between 
young  women  and  their  men  acquaintances. 

The  chaperon  enters  the  drawing-room  with 
her  charge  at  her  left,  and  slightly  in  advance 
of  her.  After  she  has  exchanged  the  usual 
courtesies  with  the  hostess  the  young  lady  is 
presented.  As  she  moves  on  her  charge  always 
accompanies  her,  and  a  gentleman  will  not  ask 
the  young  girl  to  dance,  to  promenade,  or  go  to 


CHAPERONS  AND  ESCORTS.  59 


supper,  without  first  seeking  permission  of  her 
chaperon,  nor  will  he  detain  the  young  lady  un- 
reasonably long,  if  he  is  considerate  and  regard- 
ful of  etiquette  in  such  matters,  and  no  well- 
bred  man  can  be  heedless  of  the  proprieties. 

He  can  not  ask  a  young  lady  to  accompany 
him  to  a  theatre  or  other  place  of  amusement 
without  first  asking  her  mother's  or  her  chaper- 
on's permission,  and  at  the  same  time  extending 
the  same  invitation  to  her  also.  If  she  consents 
for  the  young  woman,  she  has  a  right,  if  she  be 
engaged  or  indisposed,  to  ask  permission  to 
delegate  the  office  of  chaperon  to  some  one  else, 
and  her  request  is  likely  to  be  granted. 

The  girl  who  is  eager  to  climb  to  greater 
heights  than  those  to  which  she  was  bo  n,  not 
only  cultivates  and  practices  at  all  times  the 
noblest  and  sweetest  graces  of  womanhood,  but 
she  is  perhaps  even  more  rigid  in  the  matter  of 
chaperonage  than  is  usual  with  her  elders. 

If  she  desires  a  high  career  in  social  life 
she  must  prove  her  talent  and  her  fitness  for 
it  by  her  familiarity  and  invariable  practice  of 
such  refinements  and  usages  as  are  customary 


60 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


with  the  best  classes  of  society.  There  is  no 
reason  why  self-made  women  should  not  be  as 
worthy  of  commendation  and  admiration  as 
self-made  men.  If  this  be  their  hope  and  pur- 
pose they  will  never  accept  late  suppers  or 
indeed  early  ones,  or  be  seen  in  stalls  or 
boxes  at  theatres,  in  parties  a  deux,  if  they  are 
not  willing  to  risk  the  chances  of  being  ex- 
cluded from  the  inner  social  circles. 

At  a  small  theatre  party  given  by  a  gentle- 
man, one  chaperon  is  sufficient,  but  two  are 
none  too  many  for  parties  of  eight  or  ten. 

It  is  in  good  form  for  an  omnibus  to  gather 
the  guests  for  an  entertainment,  the  host  call- 
ing first  for  a  chaperon,  who  may  be  his  mother 
or  his  married  sister  if  he  chooses.  If  there  is 
one  married  lady  to  each  four  of  the  party,  he 
may  send  carriages,  unless  the  chaperon  prefers 
her  own,  which  is  more  than  likely,  in  which 
case  it  is  arranged  that  she  call  for  the  young 
ladies  over  whom  she  is  to  have  a  care,  and 
the  gentleman  of  the  party  may  meet  them  all 
at  the  place  of  amusement. 

A  man  may  give  a  tea,  a  supper,  or  a  din- 


CHAPERONS  AND  ESCORTS. 


61 


ner  at  his  bachelor  apartments  or  at  a  restau- 
rant in  a  private  room,  but  he  must  not  fail 
to  secure  the  presence  of  one  or  more  married 
ladies  who  are  friends  of  his  guests,  but  it  is 
considered  even  better  taste  that  one  of  his 
own  married  kinswomen  preside  for  him  as 
hostess. 

Certainly  no  fastidious  young  girl,  or  one 
who  is  regardful  of  appearances,  will  accept 
an  invitation  to  such  a  party  unless  she  knows 
that  one  elderly  lady  at  the  least  will  be  present 
to  give  dignity  to  its  gayety.  Nor  will  a  thor- 
ough gentleman  arrange  an  entertainment  other- 
wise. These  regulations,  of  course,  are  perfectly 
understood  and  followed  in  good  New  York  so- 
ciety, and  their  infringement  is  quite  impossible 
to  well-trained  women  and  men,  hence  this 
chapter  is  written  only  for  the  use  of  such  out- 
of-town  families  as  desire  to  establish  their  own 
etiquette  according  to  a  discreet  metropolitan 
code. 

Every  American  girl  is  aware  that  the  lofti- 
est position  which  is  open  to  women  in  a  re- 
public is  possible  to  each  and  every  educated 


62 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


one  of  them,  and  that  neither  poverty  nor  ob- 
scurity necessarily  obstructs  her  way  up  to  it ; 
therefore,  if  for  no  better  reason  than  that  she 
is  personally  ambitious,  she  can  not  be  too 
careful  of  her  conduct  or  speech,  lest  she  have 
a  blurred  or  blotted  retrospect  which  envious 
gossips  may  bring  forth  from  the  past  to  hurt 
her  with  its  babble.  Even  though  it  may  be 
but  a  remembered  disregard  of  the  best  social 
usages  of  her  times,  its  resurrection  will  be  an 
infliction  to  her,  therefore  she  should  follow 
only  the  safest  of  society's  customs. 

The  chaperon  will  be  dignified  and  yet 
courteous,  not  intentionally  drawing  too  much 
of  the  conversation  into  her  own  currents  of 
thought  or  interest,  but  always  remembering 
that  she  has  had  her  years  of  youth,  and  that 
the  young  do  not  enjoy  grave  subjects  when 
merriment  is  the  object  of  their  meeting  to- 
gether. 

She  will  not  be  foolishly  rigid  at  general 
parties  about  the  dancing  engagements  of  her 
charge,  but,  when  she  disapproves  of  a  partner 
for  her,  she  has  need  of  all  her  worldly  tact 


CHAPERONS  AND  ESCORTS.  63 


and  talent  to  prevent  an  unpleasantness,  be- 
cause, for  the  evening  at  least,  all  the  guests 
are  equals,  and  of  course  the  hostess  is  not  to 
be  rebuked  then  and  there  by  a  manifestation 
of  dislike  to  any  one  of  them,  whatever  may 
be  felt  about  the  foolishness  of  her  choice  when 
giving  out  invitations. 

The  chaperon  may  express  to  her  charge 
her  disapproval  of  the  attention  by  suggesting 
that  she  looks  weary,  or  that  others  have  claims 
upon  her,  or  by  some  other  delicate  and  inof- 
fensive method  convey  to  her  the  objection  she 
has  to  such  a  partner  ;  and  every  young  girl 
of  good  breeding,  and  a  proper  self-respect,  to 
say  nothing  of  a  grateful  regard  for  any  lady 
who  is  kind  enough  to  feel  and  to  take  a  seri- 
ous interest  in  her  affairs,  will  make  this  rela- 
tion between  them,  which  is  difficult  at  best, 
as  agreeable  as  possible.  A  sensitive,  well-in- 
tentioned and  refined  man,  of  course,  will  not 
add  to  the  difficulties  and  anxieties  of  either 
of  the  two  ladies,  though  he  may  feel  that  he 
is  misjudged,  or  is  undervalued  by  one  or  by 

both  of  them.    Time  will  prove  his  worthiness, 
5 


64 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


if  proof  be  needed.  Only  a  vulgar  man  can 
express  anger  by  his  manner,  speech  or  expres- 
sion, and  only  a  vulgar  girl  will  pretend  to 
misunderstand  the  sentiments  of  her  chaperon 
or  be  disobedient  to  her  wishes.  Deference 
to  the  wisdom  of  her  elders  is  counted  one  of 
the  charms  of  girlhood. 


VII. 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS  FOR  LADIES. 

To  the  person  unfamiliar  with  the  usages 
of  society,  the  visiting-card  is  but  a  trifling 
and  insignificant  bit  of  paper,  but,  to  those  who 
"know  society  by  heart,"  it  conveys  a  subtile 
and  unmistakable  intelligence. 

Its  texture,  its  style  of  engraving,  its  size, 
and  even  the  hour  at  which  it  is  left  combine 
to  place  the  stranger  whose  name  it  bears  in 
a  pleasant  or  in  a  disagreeable  position,  even 
before  her  manners  or  personality  is  able  to 
explain  her  social  attitude. 

The  higher  the  civilization  of  a  community, 
the  more  careful  it  is  to  preserve  the  elegance 
of  its  social  forms.  It  is  quite  as  easy  to  ex- 
press a  perfect  breeding  in  the  fashionable 
formalities  of  cards  as  by  any  other  method, 
and  perhaps,  indeed,  it  is  the  safest  herald  of 
an  introduction  for  a  stranger.     Their  texture 


66 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


should  be  fine,  their  engraving  a  plain  script, 
their  size  neither  too  small,  so  that  their  re- 
cipients shall  say  to  themselves,  "A  whimsical 
person,"  nor  too  large,  to  suggest  ostentation. 

Refinement  seldom  touches  extremes  in  any- 
thing. No  flourishes,  but  clear,  medium-sized 
letters,  with  the  prefix  of  "  Ivlrs."  or  "Miss" 
in  every  case,  except  where  there  is  a  title. 
No  lady  should  use  a  suggestion  of  her  hus- 
band's political  honors,  religious  rank,  military 
or  naval  position,  or  his  professional  occupation, 
either  by  abbreviation  or  otherwise.  She  does 
not  wish  to  be  received  for  his  sake,  but  for 
her  own.  A  lady  may  be  mentioned  with  the 
honorable  prefix  that  her  husband  bears,  but 
she  should  never  assume  it  herself.  It  is  not 
etiquette,  and  is  in  bad  taste.  Besides,  there 
is  no  limit  arranged  for  grades.  If  one  lady 
is  to  be  called  "  Mrs.  Mayor  Puff,"  there  is 
another  who,  upon  the  same  principle,  should 
be  styled  "Mrs.  Detective  Key,"  or  "  Mrs.  City 
Scavenger  Spade."  Ladies  who  are  not  them- 
selves professional  never  prefix  a  title  to  their 
cards.    Nor  need  they,  even  when  their  family 


VISITING-CARDS  FOR  LADIES.  6T 

pride  of  place  is  at  its  fiercest,  because  custom 
permits  her  to  leave  her  husband's  card  with 
her  own  upon  all  those  occasions  which  require 
hers,  and  in  many  instances  the  use  of  his  card 
with  hers  is  a  matter  of  strict  etiquette. 

The  card  is  the  medium  of  social  inter- 
course when  we  are  in  our  gayest  moods,  and 
we  choose  it  to  convey  our  sympathies  to  the 
sorrowful.  The  friendliest  sentiments  are  ex- 
pressed by  a  timely  card,  and  our  coldest  and 
bitterest  dislikes  can  be  similarly  carried  to  an 
enemy.  It  tells  its  little  story  of  fondness  or 
of  indifference,  according  to  the  promptness  and 
the  method  of  its*  arrival.  It  announces  a 
friend,  and  it  says  adieu.  It  congratulates  deli- 
cately, but  unmistakably,  and  it  is  the  brief 
bearer  of  tidings  which  a  volume  could  explain 
with  no  more  clearness. 

The  card  etiquette  of  the  best  society  of 
New  York  is  necessarily  different  from  what  it 
would  be  if  our  royalty  and  rank  were  inherited, 
instead  of  acquired.  The  same  formalities  pre- 
vail throughout  the  entire  country,  with  the  ex- 
ception of  Washington,  which  has  customs  pe- 


68 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


culiar  to  its  fluctuating  political  conditions, 
more  or  less  modified  by  the  presence  of  for- 
eign embassadors  and  diplomats.  Card  and 
other  etiquette,  in  that  single  city,  is  governed 
by  its  own  social  by-laws,  to  which  no  other 
place  could  conform,  even  if  it  chose  to  imitate 
our  national  capital. 

In  France  the  stranger  always  pays  the  first 
visit,  either  with  or  without  an  introductory 
letter.  In  England,  among  equals  in  rank,  an 
invitation  to  call  follows  the  leaving  of  a  card, 
provided  the  acquaintance  is  desired.  In  New 
York,  an  introduction  by  one  method  or  an- 
other is  a  formal  necessity!  An  acquaintance 
to  be  formed  between  ladies  who  are  strangers 
may  be  arranged  by  leaving  or  sending  cards 
where  a  personal  presentation  is  inconvenient, 
and  when  each  one  has  a  proper  or  justifiable 
knowledge  of  the  other.  The  introducing  lady 
or  gentleman  uses  the  following  formula,  writ- 
ing it  upon  the  upper  left  of  her  or  his  visit- 
ing-card : 

INTRODUCING 

MRS.   FELIX  FEILD. 


VISITING-CARDS  FOR  LADIES.  69 

This  card  is  inclosed  in  an  unsealed  envel- 
ope with  that  of  the  lady  presented.  This 
envelope  must  be  of  a  fine  quality,  and  either 
be  posted  or  be  sent  by  messenger.  If  it  goes 
by  mail,  an  outer  envelope  which  is  sealed  in- 
closes it. 

There  was  a  time  when  a  messenger  only 
was  considered  either  proper  or  courteous,  but 
the  postal  delivery  is  now  approved,  and  is 
satisfactory  for  the  uses  of  the  greater  part  of 
a  lady's  messages.  The  lady  who  receives  the 
two  cards  must  call  in  person,  or,  if  this  be 
impossible,  some  member  of  the  family  must 
call,  or  a  letter  be  sent  to  explain  the  omission. 
Nothing  less  than  this  is  possible,  without  of- 
fending the  introducing  party. 

If  the  call  is  made  upon  the  sender  of  the 
two  cards,  not  more  than  three  days  should 
intervene  between  this  courtesy  and  the  intro- 
duction. This  visit  must  be  as  promptly  re- 
turned, unless  an  "  At  home  "  day  is  mentioned, 
either  upon  the  visiting-card  or  during  the  in- 
terview. If  no  special  civilities  are  extended, 
and  the  introduced  lady  resides  at  a  distance, 


70 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


she  must  leave  a  card  with  /.  /.  c.  {pour prendre 
conge)  written  upon  it,  to  give  information  of 
her  departure  ;  but,  if  their  acquaintance  has 
gone  no  further  than  one  visit  each,  she  need 
not  call  again,  and  her  leave-taking  card  closes 
the  courtesy.  If  she  be  a  resident  of  the  city, 
she  may  include  the  new  acquaintance  in  her 
formal  visiting-list,  and  invite  her  to  recep- 
tions; but  she  cannot  first  ask  the  acquaintance, 
whom  she  has  herself  desired,  to  a  breakfast, 
luncheon,  or  dinner,  unless  there  is  an  especial 
reason  for  it  which  is  clearly  understood  to  be 
acceptable  to  the  acquaintance  who  has  been 
sought.  It  would  be  obtrusive.  The  first  hos- 
pitality is  a  privilege  that  is  very  properly  re- 
served to  the  one  who  has  received  an  un- 
sought acquaintance. 

After  a  personal  introduction,  the  oldest  resi- 
dent may,  if  she  choose,  leave  a  card,  which 
must  be  similarly  acknowledged  within  a  week, 
unless  a  visiting  day  is  engraved  or  written  upon 
the  card  of  the  first  caller,  \vhen  that  special 
occasion  can  not  be  overlooked  without  a  return 
card  or  a  written  apology.    No  further  visiting 


VISITING-CARDS  FOR  LADIES.  71 


is  necessary,  unless  mutually  convenient  or 
agreeable. 

Even  this  limited  intercourse  makes  frequent 
meetings  in  society  easier  and  more  agreeable, 
and  it  involves  nothing.  It  is  simply  ornament- 
ing the  barren  wastes  of  speechlessness,  and 
makes  it  easy  for  the  American  to  avoid  the 
vulgar  habit  of  silence,  even  at  a  private  party, 
when  he  is  not  introduced.  Happily  this  ap- 
palling lack  of  courtesy,  when  speech  would  be 
a  kindly  assistance  to  the  hostess,  even  if  not 
wholly  agreeable  to  guests,  is  drifting  into  the 
past  along  with  many  other  of  those  gaucheries 
that  are  natural  to  a  youthful  country. 

V.'hen  a  lady  changes  her  residence,  she  must 
leave  her  card,  with  her  new  address,  upon  those 
to  whom  she  is  indebted  for  a  visit;  but  she 
need  not  enter,  and  she  may  send  it  by  post  to 
those  upon  whom  she  made  the  last  call.  Her 
new  neighborhood  may  be  out  of  the  limits  of 
her  late  friends'  visiting  range,  or  it  may  be 
located  in  a  street  that  is  distasteful ;  hence  the 
first  card  should  never  include  a  call  upon 
formal  acquaintances. 


72 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


When  a  lady  leaves  town,  as  usual,  for  the 
season,  or  if  she  is  to  make  only  a  summer 
voyage,  she  sends  /.  p.  r.  cards  only  to  such  of 
her  friends  or  acquaintances  as  she  is  indebted 
to  for  unacknowledged  civilities.  If  she  chooses 
she  also  sends  her  temporary  address.  When 
she  returns  to  town  again,  it  is  not  customary  for 
mere  acquaintances  to  show  their  consciousness 
of  her  presence  until  she  is  ready  to  resume 
social  life  again,  at  which  time  she  sends  out 
her  visiting-card  with  her  receiving  day  en- 
graved upon  its  left-hand  corner.  A  properly- 
kept  visiting  record  will  explain  which  lady 
should  make  the  first  visit  in  the  autumn. 

If  a  young  lady  is  to  be  married,  she  leaves 
her  card  in  person,  about  four  weeks  before  the 
event;  but  she  does  not^visit.  Her  mother's  or 
chaperon's  card  accompanies  her  own.  Their 
names  are  not  engraved  together,  as  they  may 
have  been  upon  previous  visiting-cards.  The 
young  lady,  being  about  to  assume  a  new  dignity, 
very  properly  leaves  an  independent  name  and 
address  for  each  lady  member  of  the  household 
which   she  honors,    Its  signification  is  plain. 


VISITING-CARDS  FOR  LADIES.  73 


She  desires  to  retain  their  friendship  in  her  new 
relation ;  and,  as  she  is  about  to  be  the  central 
figure  of  another  house,  and  the  dispenser  of  its 
courtesies,  it  is  proper  for  her  to  leave  this  inti- 
mation of  a  future  welcome  to  them.  (Other 
card  formalities  for  weddings  will  be  found  in 
their  proper  chapter.) 

If  death  occurs  in  the  household  of  a  friend, 
a  card  with  any  appropriate  sentiment  written 
upon  it,  or  a  box  of  cut-flowers  and  a  card, 
should  be  sent  directly.  The  flowers  are  not  in- 
tended for  the  funeral,  but  as  an  emblem  of  per- 
sonal sympathy  and  afl"ection.  The  same  gentle 
recognition  of  any  felicitous  event,  such  as  the 
birth  of  a  child,  a  private  wedding,  the  entering 
of  a  new  house,  etc.,  is  a  pleasant,  but  not  rigid, 
etiquette  among  friends  and  admirers. 

Among  acquaintances  the  card  only,  with  no 
intruding  expression  upon  it,  is  left,  either  with 
or  without  flowers — usually  without,  when  a  sor- 
row has  fallen  upon  a  family.  This  card  may 
be  that  of  a  stranger  even  ;  but  it  is  never  sent, 
and  always  left  in  person,  or  it  is  carried  by 
special  messenger,  as  a  more  delicate  recognition 


74 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


of  the  grave  event.  This  act  is  one  of  gentle 
kindliness,  and  demands  no  acknowledgment 
whatever.  It  is  compelled  by  too  delicate  a 
sentiment  for  the  sympathizer  to  desire  a  reply. 

This  etiquette  is  not  a  necessity,  but  is  only 
a  proof  of  gentle  breeding  and  refined  manners. 
It  is  what  the  Parisian  means  by  noblesse  oblige, 
and  it  is  becoming  more  and  more  a  custom  in 
New  York's  best  society. 

Cards  are  always  left  in  the  hall  when  en- 
tering a  reception.  This  custom  makes  the 
debtor  and  creditor  list  of  the  entertainer  easier 
to  arrange,  because  announcing  names  is  rarely 
done  in  New  York  ;  and,  even  if  it  were,  in  large 
circles  the  memory  must  be  excellent  that  can 
retain  all  the  faces  of  those  who  accept  these 
courtesies.  Provided  an  invitation  to  a  party  or 
a  reception  is  necessarily  declined  after  having 
been  accepted,  cards  are  sent  by  messenger  upon 
the  same  evening,  and  an  explanatory  note  is 
forwarded  the  next  day,  when  more  leisure  will 
make  its  excuses  and  its  regrets  comprehensible. 

The  card  etiquette  of  ladies  is  not  at  all 
difficult.    Familiarity  with  the  best  usages  of 


VISITING-CARDS  FOR  lADIES.  75 


society  and  a  little  leisure  insure  a  smooth  social 
intercourse  with  the  world.  The  unmistakable 
expression  of  a  card,  of  course,  depends  upon 
the  time  of  its  arrival,  and  also  the  method  of 
its  conveyance.  An  invitation-card  and  a  reply 
to  it  may  go  by  post,  but,  as  has  been  men- 
tioned, a  card  of  felicitation  or  condolence 
never.  Turning  or  (olding  over  the  right  ends 
of  cards  signifies  that  they  are  left  in  person. 

The  husband's  card  should  accompany  that 
of  his  wife  upon  all  formal  occasions  ;  but  it  is 
no  longer  stylish  for  both  names  to  be  engraved 
upon  the  same  card,  except  directly  after  mar- 
riage. The  mother's  and  the  eldest  daughter's 
names  are  upon  the  same  card  usually  during 
two  years  after  her  debut,  unless  she  is  earlier 
superseded  upon  this  list  of  honor  by  a  younger 
sister.  She  may,  if  not  deposed,  remain  on  her 
mother'^  card  as  long  as  she  likes  ;  good  form 
permits  it.  When  two  daughters  have  been  fol- 
lowed into  society  by  a  third  one,  it  is  a  usage 
that  is  in  good  taste  to  order 

MISSES  GRANDCOURT 

engraved  upon  a  card  with  the  address,  and  an 


76 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


at  home  day.  This  card  is  for  convenience  only, 
even  though  each  young  lady  has  her  separate 
card  for  individual  uses. 

If  a  chaperon  other  than  the  mother  intro- 
duces and  accompanies  young  ladies  into  society, 
her  visiting-card  is  left  with  theirs  to  prevent 
misunderstanding  their  relations,  and  to  indicate 
that  they  are  inseparable  for  the  season. 

A  widow  has  no  card  during  the  first  year 
of  mourning,  because  she  does  not  visit.  After 
that  her  own  Christian  name  should  be  engraved 
upon  it,  of  course  with  the  prefix  of  Mrs.  Of 
course,  this  is  a  painful  change  to  make,  but  re- 
flection will  convince  her  of  its  necessity.  Her 
married  name  is  obsolete. 

When  a  son  has  lately  entered  society,  his 
mother  leaves  his  card,  also  her  husband's,  upon 
the  lady  and  the  gentleman  of  the  house,  but  her 
daughter's  cards  are  for  the  lady  only.  The  son's 
card  signifies  that  he  is  in  society,  and  that  it  is 
expected  that  he  will  be  included  in  the  season's 
general  invitations.  This  is  strict  etiquette.  In 
a  city  of  busy  gentlemen  such  an  arrangement  is 
necessary.    It  explains  family  conditions  which 


VISITING-CARDS  FOR  LADIES.  77 


otherwise  might  not  be  understood;  and,  after 
one  invitation  is  received  from  a  lady  by  the  son, 
he  can  manage  his  own  social  matters  with  her 
by  making  his  party  call,  and  leaving  his  own 
card  and  address. 

The  arrangement  of  his  entree  into  society  is 
managed  by  his  mother,  or  by  a  near  lady  rela- 
tive, provided  the  mother  is  unable  to  attend  to 
those  formalities  which  strict  etiquette  demands. 

Not  longer  than  a  week  must  elapse  after  an  en- 
tertainment before  the  cards  of  all  who  have  been 
invited,  whether  the  invitation  was  accepted  or 
not,  are  to  be  left  by  some  member  of  the  family, 
upon  both  host  and  hostess,  and  also  upon  any  one 
for  whom  the  entertainment  may  have  been  given. 
A  single  lady  member  of  the  family  may  perform 
this  social  duty  of  returning  cards  of  thanks  and 
congratulations  upon  the  success  of  the  fete^  be- 
cause, in  the  height  of  a  gay  season,  pressing  en- 
gagements compel  a  division  of  these  formalities. 
Gentlemen  can  not  assist  in  these  social  arrange- 
ments, and  thus  relieve  the  lady  members  of  the 
family.  They  may,  however,  leave  a  lady's  card 
at  a  house  of  sorrow,  but  not  after  a  festivity. 


VIII. 


VISITING  AND  CARD  CUSTOMS  FOR  GENTLEMEN. 

After  a  gentleman  has  been  presented  to 
a  lady,  and  danced  or  conversed  with  her,  he 
is  likely  to  be  still  in  doubt  whether  a  further 
acquaintance  will  be  agreeable  to  her.  He  may 
desire  it  very  much,  but  be  too  delicate  to  give 
her  the  unpleasantness  of  refusing  him  permission 
to  call  upon  her,  should  he  beg  such  an  honor. 

If  he  covets  her  acquaintance  very  much, 
happy  is  he  if  he  have  a  mother  or  sister  who 
dwells  in  the  same  charmed  circle,  because  his 
women  kinsfolk  may  be  able  to  easily  arrange 
an  acquaintance  for  him,  as  is  explained  in 
another  chapter. 

Even  though  she  be  a  married  lady,  unless 
she  is  a  very  elderly  one,  to  whom  the  world 
in  general  pays  honor,  he  can  not  in  New  York, 
as  in  Washington,  leave  his  card  at  her  door 
in  the  hope  of  receiving  a  recognition  of  it  in 


CARD  ETIQUETTE  FOR  GENTLEMEN.  79 

the  form  of  another  with  the  lady's  reception 
day  engraved  upon  it.  This  city  is  too  con- 
servative, or,  perhaps,  it  is  too  cosmopolitan  to 
permit  such  invasions.  He  must  bide  his  time 
until  an  acquaintance  through  mutual  friends 
disposes  the  lady  to  open  the  doors  of  her 
home  to  him.  If  she  be  an  unmarried  woman, 
whosoever  acts  as  her  chaperon  is  the  one  to 
appeal  to  for  permission  to  call,  and  this  re- 
quest can  not  be  too  delicately  made.  A  self- 
assurance  that  his  visits  will  be  acceptable 
must  sometimes  be  his  only  encouragement. 
He  is  permitted  at  first  to  call  only  upon  for- 
mal receiving  days  until  he  has  won  his  way 
to  a  more  cordial  reception,  and  this  must  suf- 
fige  until  he  receives  an  invitation  to  dinner 
or  to  some  other  limited  hospitality  to  which 
mere  acquaintances  are  never  asked.  After 
this  he  is  at  liberty  to  send  a  bouquet,  invite 
the  ladies  out  to  an  amusement,  or  by  any  other 
customary  means  express  his  appreciation  of 
the  hospitality. 

If  he  is  introduced  by  card  or  by  letter  it 

is  always  addressed  to  a  matron,  even  though 
6 


80 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


its  purpose  is  to  make  the  acquaintance  of  a 
young  lady.  He  presents  it  in  person  and  asks 
only  for  the  one  to  whom  the  card  is  directed, 
and  this  lady  uses  her  own  discretion  in  regard 
to  an  acquaintance  with  any  other  member  of 
the  family.  Of  course  she  is  compelled  to  re- 
ceive the  bearer  if  she  regards  the  introducer, 
and  then,  if  it  be  mutually  agreeable,  there  are 
graceful  and  easy  methods  by  which  to  make  him 
further  acquainted  in  the  household.  Whether 
he  is  welcome  for  his  own  sake  or  for  that  of 
the  person  who  introduced  him,  he  need  not 
be  long  in  determining. 

If  the  lady  to  whom  the  note  is  addressed 
is  not  at  home  when  he  calls  with  it,  he  does 
not  leave  it  nor  yet  his  own  card,  but  repeats 
his  visit  at  another  time  or  sends  both  in  an 
envelope  by  mail  or  by  messenger. 

An  invitation  extended  to  a  gentleman  who 
is  a  new  acquaintance,  without  mentioning  the 
probable  time  of  being  able  to  receive  him,  is 
equivalent  to  no  invitation  at  all,  and  the  bid- 
den person  need  not  hazard  a  call. 

After  this  kind  of  acquaintance  is  made  it  in- 


CARD  ETIQUETTE  FOR  GENTLEMEN.  81 


volves  nothing,  and  there  will  be  early  and  easy 
methods  of  terminating  it  if  it  prove  less  agree- 
able to  either  party  than  was  at  first  anticipated, 
and  yet  there  need  be  no  breach  of  etiquette  or 
courtesy  in  the  separation  and  not  the  slightest 
lowering  of  the  social  tone  of  their  intercourse 
whenever  they  meet  again  in  society.  A  natural 
lack  of  sympathy  or  a  difference  of  taste,  which 
is  a  discredit  to  neither  one,  may  make  a  visit- 
ing acquaintance  quite  useless  if  not  unpleasant. 

If  a  gentleman  asks  for  a  presentation  to 
an  elderly  or  to  a  married  lady,  she  under- 
stands it  to  be  complimentary,  and  her  manner 
may  say  Thank  you ! "  without  emphasizing 
her  gratitude  by  an  invitation  to  him  to  con- 
tinue the  acquaintance.  When  he  sees  her 
again  he  must  wait  for  her  recognition,  without 
the  slightest  intimation  upon  his  countenance 
that  they  have  met  before.  When  she  bows 
to  him,  he  has  an  equal  opportunity  of  express- 
ing thanks  by  his  manner.  But,  if  at  the  intro- 
duction she  chooses  to  be  sufficiently  pleased 
with  him,  and  she  is  assured  of  his  social  posi- 
tion, she  may  extend  to  him  permission  to  pay 


82 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


his  respects  to  her  on  her  visiting  day.  But  a 
M-ell-bred  unmarried  lady  can  not  do  this,  and 
the  young  gentleman,  in  such  a  case,  must  bide 
his  time  as  before  intimated. 

The  style  of  the  gentleman's  card,  the  hour 
of  his  visit,  and  his  address  often  secure  ac- 
ceptability when  combined  with  the  recollection 
of  the  host  or  hostess  who  made  the  presenta- 
tion ;  and  by  the  same  token  which  he  took 
the  trouble  to  leave  at  the  lady's  door  she  is 
certain  that  the  gentleman  really  desires  to 
visit  her,  and  he  can  never  suppose,  much  less 
say,  that  her  family  name  was  an  unwelcome 
one  upon  his  list  of  visiting-places. 

This  arrangement  renders  the  making  of 
certain  acquaintances  an  easy  and  comprehen- 
sible affair,  provided  it  is  agreeable  to  both 
persons,  and  it  is  a  wall  of  defense  against 
strange  and  unwelcome  visitors.  However  un- 
pleasant the  result  may  be  of  an  attempt  to 
make  a  lady's  acquaintance,  every  true  gentle- 
man will  recognize  the  necessity  of  barriers 
across  the  sacred  threshold  of  home. 

The  receiver  of  a  stranger's  card,  as  has  been 


CARD  ETIQUETTE  FOR  GENTLEMEN.  83 


intimated,  makes  a  careful  study  of  its  style. 
The  fine,  lusterless  texture,  and  the  unpreten- 
tious size  of  the  card  ;  its  lack  of  flourish  if  it 
be  a  fac-simile,  though  this  style  is  almost  obso- 
lete, or  its  clear  script,  with  the  full  address  of 
the  applicant  for  acquaintance  placed  at  the 
lower  right-hand  corner  ;  the  prefix  of  Mr.,  if  it 
be  engraved  in  the  latter  style,  and  its  omission 
if  the  card  represent  the  signature  of  the  bearer, 
affect  the  social  thermometer  unmistakably. 

If  he  have  an  honorary  title  or  rank  he  never 
permits  its  appearance  upon  his  card.  He  leaves 
all  admissions  of  such  fact  to  his  fellow-citizens. 
If,  however,  he  have  a  professional,  naval,  or 
military  title,  it  is  etiquette  to  order  it  engraved 
before  his  name  instead  of  Mr.,  because  it  is  an 
explanation  or  admission  which  is  considered 
candid  and  perhaps  needful. 

To  mention  that  he  is  in  the  army  or  navy, 
or  that  he  is  professional,  leads  to  vague  con- 
jectures, or  worse,  to  personalities  by  way  of 
questions  and  explanations,  and,  if  ever  person- 
alities are  admissible  in  conversation,  certainly 
it  is  not  during  a  first  visit.    Therefore,  if  the 


84 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


Stranger's  visiting-card  be  in  perfect  taste,  his 
exact  rank  and  calling  are  given,  his  hostess  ad- 
mires him  unconsciously  even  before  she  meets 
him,  on  account  of  this  excellence  or  refinement 
of  form,  which  proves  his  familiarity  even  with 
the  small  details  of  good  social  position  and 
delicate  breeding,  however  modest  his  attain- 
ments may  be.  She  also  observes  the  hour  of 
his  formal  call.  If  he  be  a  business  gentleman, 
who  can  not  command  the  hours  of  the  day,  his 
first  call  is  made  between  half-past  eight  and 
nine  o'clock  in  the  evening.  If  he  be  able  to 
command  leisure,  he  calls  at  the  strictly  conven- 
tional time,  between  two  and  five  o'clock  p. 
The  careless,  ignorant,  or  too  eager  business 
man  will  call  as  early  as  half-past  seven  p.  m.,  in 
fear  that  the  lady  may  be  out.  This  displeases 
the  highly-bred  young  hostess.  It  proves  to  her 
that  he  is  either  unfamiliar  with  the  elegant 
etiquette  of  exclusive  society,  or  else  that  he 
scorns  formality,  and  she  dislikes  both  ignorance 
and  indifference  to  the  best  social  usages. 

A  gentleman  should  leave  a  card  in  person 
for  both  host  and .  hostess  within  a  week  after  an 


CARD  ETIQUETTE  FOR  GENTLEMEN.  85 


entertainment  to  which  he  has  been  invited, 
whether  he  accepted  or  decHned  the  hospitaHty. 
The  card  is  imperative  ;  and  a  young  man  must 
possess  scanty  leisure  indeed  if  he  can  not  ring  a 
bell  and  leave  this  little  recognition  of  a  cour- 
tesy, even  though  he  does  not  enter  the  house. 

A  gentleman  should  always  promptly  accept 
or  decline  an  invitation  to  anything.  It  was  once 
an  unsettled  question  whether  or  not  receptions, 
kettle-drums,  and  the  like  gatherings,  required 
the  formality  of  a  reply.  That  vague  doubt  is 
terminated.  Every  invitation  should  be  an- 
swered, except  to  an  ordinary  afternoon  "  at 
home"  or  kaffee  klatsch,  and  then  there  can 
be  no  misunderstanding.  It  is  not  much  for 
the  busiest  of  young  men  to  do  this,  since  the 
post  is  the  acceptable  and  prompt  medium  for 
this  sort  of  interchange  of  civilities. 

If  he  receives  a  note  which  introduces  an- 
other gentleman  to  him  it  is  accompanied  by 
the  card  of  the  gentleman  who  makes  the  intro- 
duction. This  is  very  properly  delivered  by  the 
postal  service,  because  etiquette  between  gentle- 
men  permits  it ;  but  he  must  recognize  its  recep- 


86 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


tion  in  person  within  three  days,  or,  in  case  of 
inevitable  failure  to  do  this,  he  must  send  a  card 
by  special  messenger  to  the  stranger,  with  ex- 
planation and  the  offer  of  such  courtesies  as  are 
possible  to  him,  provided,  of  course,  the  intro- 
ducing person  be  entitled  to  such  consideration. 
After  an  interchange  of  these  paper  civilities, 
the  acquaintance  may  proceed,  or  cease,  without 
unpleasant  feelings  upon  either  side,  provided 
the  receiver  of  the  introductory  card  is  satisfied 
that  he  owes  no  more  than  this  to  the  presenting 
person  who  sent  the  stranger  to  him.  If  an 
acquaintance  be  formed  that  is  agreeable,  the 
receiving  gentleman  must  offer  the  first  hospi- 
table courtesies  before  he  can  accept  any  from 
his  friend's  friend.  If  the  latter  departs  from 
town  after  these  formalities,  he  must  leave  his 
parting  card  on  the  eve  of  going  away.  When- 
ever he  returns  to  the  city,  he  may,  if  he  de- 
sires, send  his  own  card,  and  expect  no  recog- 
nition of  its  arrival.  If  it  is  noticed,  he  may  be 
convinced  that  it  is  for  his  own  sake  that  the 
meager  acquaintance  is  revived  and  kept  warm. 
A  gentleman  will  always  leave  a  card  for  a 


CARD  ETIQUETTE  FOR  GENTLEMEN.  87 


bereaved  friend,  and,  in  whatever  other  delicate 
and  sympathetic  ways  that  are  possible  to  him, 
he  may  show  his  comprehension  of  the  sorrow; 
but  it  must  be  a  very  familiar  friendship  indeed 
that  permits  him  to  write  of  it,  or  to  speak  of  it 
when  they  meet.  The  days  of  agonizing  letters 
of  condolence  are  happily  past.  Etiquette  now 
permits  the  wounds  of  the  heart  to  heal,  without 
bruising  and  rending  them  by  long  letters  of 
sympathy. 

A  gentleman  never  makes  a  form.al  call  with- 
out asking  to  see  all  the  ladies  of  the  family. 
He  sends  in  or  leaves  his  card  for  each  individ- 
ual. If  he  be  calling  upon  a  young  lady  who 
is  a  guest  in  a  household  with  which  he  has  no 
acquaintance,  he  must  ask  to  see  her  hostess  at 
the  same  time,  and  also  send  her  his  card.  This 
visit  the  hostess  can  not  decline  w^ithout  being 
inhospitable,  to  her  guest.  She  must  go  to  the 
drawing-room  with  her,  and  be  present  during 
the  interview. 

When  a  lady  has  been  in  society  several 
years,  and  is  still  unmarried,  she  may  receive 
gentlemen  visitors  unchaperoned,  and  it  is  neither 


88 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


an  informality  nor  an  indelicacy,  unless  the  lady 
insists,  by  an  unmistakable  manner,  that  she 
chooses  to  be  still  considered  very  youthful. 

The  mother  of  a  young  lady,  or  any  other 
chaperon,  understands,  or  at  least  she  ought  to 
know,  that  a  constantly  reiterated  desire  by  a 
young  man  to  see  herself  is  simply  respectful  to 
her  and  complimentary  only  to  her  charge,  and 
a3  such  an  attention  a  wise  and  well-bred  woman 
receives  it.  Should  she  always  remain  during 
the  entire  visits,  the  guest  is  compelled  to  make 
himself  distinctly  agreeable  to  her,  however  un- 
satisfactory her  presence  may  be  to  him.  How- 
ever the  daughter  may  feel  about  it,  she  appears 
in  the  visitor's  presence  to  be  gratified  by  it,  and 
the  two  women  may  discuss  these  social  matters 
in  seclusion,  but  they  can  not  alter  a  social  law. 
Nor  can  the  gentleman  evade  obligations  which 
the  best  custom  has  laid  upon  him.  And  be- 
sides, if  the  mother  be  the  cultivated  and  ele- 
gant conversationist  which  she  should  be,  and 
which  a  superior  social  interchange  of  thoughts 
ought  to  make  easy,  and  even  natural  to  her, 
she  will  lend  a  charm  to  his  visit  which  is  ira- 


CARD  ETIQUETTE  FOR  GENTLEMEN.  89 


possible  to  be  given  by  the  minds  of  more 
youthful  people. 

A  thoroughbred  vvoman  is  quite  conscious  of 
her  influence  over  young  persons,  and  she  knows 
when  her  presence  is  a  pleasure  and  a  blessing, 
and  when  it  is  a  flaming  sword,  which  is  not  dis- 
guised by  her  polite  smile  and  her  diverting 
talk.  If  the  mother  or  chaperon  is  a  cultivated 
woman,  and  absorbs  the  attention  of  a  young 
gentleman,  she  is  either  one  or  the  other — a 
charm  or  a  protector — and  it  is  for  the  visitor 
to  decide  for  himself  in  which  character  she  is 
hovering  about  during  his  visits.  The  earlier  he 
discovers  her  reasons  for  being  diverting,  if  they 
be  other  than  for  the  sake  of  etiquette,  the  bet- 
ter for  all.  (Formulas  for  these  matters  are 
given  in  article  on  chaperons.) 

If  a  gentleman  have  sisters  or  daughters,  he 
will  consider  these  rigid  rules  none  too  severe. 
The  man  who  quarrels  with  them,  or  with  their 
enforcement,  is  just  the  person  for  whom  they 
were  established  by  those  who,  by  reason  of 
superior  social  position,  experience,  and  refined 
culture,  have  combined  to  ordain  them. 


IX. 


AT  HOME  MATINEES — INCLUDING   TEA  AND 
KAFFEE  KLATSCHES. 

A  RECEPTION  after  midday  may  be  a  very 
ceremonious  entertainment,  when  it  is  sometimes 
called  a  "high  tea,"  or  address  viatinee^''  with 
elaborate  and  costly  appointments,  or  it  may  be 
very  simple  and  yet  altogether  elegant  and  en- 
joyable. The  latter  style  of  reception  is  called 
a  tea  to  distinguish  it  from  those  expensive  day- 
light hospitalities  which  are  becoming  less  and 
less  fashionable  in  New  York  every  succeeding 
season.  It  was  at  one  time,  not  long  ago,  men- 
tioned as  a  "kettle-drum,"  because  it  is  said  to 
have  originated  in  garrisons,  where  officers  and 
their  wives,  who  have  been  accustomed  to  ele- 
gances, are  compelled  to  extend  only  the  most 
informal  of  courtesies,  owing  to  the  necessary 
limitations  of  camp  life.  They  can  not  provide 
sumptuous  refreshments  and  expensive  table  ser- 


AT  HOME  MATINEES. 


91 


vice  when  they  invite  their  friends  upon  stated 
occasions.  The  fascinations  which  this  enforced 
absence  of  troublesome  and  costly  elaborateness 
possesses  for  civilians,  who  sometimes  imagine 
that  they  are  compelled  to  bear  the  many  bur- 
dens of  ostentation,  have  combined  with  the 
picturesqueness  of  these  social  enjoyments  in 
camp  to  bring  the  unostentatious  "  tea  "  into  gen- 
eral favor  with  fashionable  but  sensible  people. 

A  card  to  an  afternoon  tea  or  kaffee  klatsch^ 
the  latter  being  only  a  change  from  one  simple 
refreshment  to  another,  signifies  street  toilettes 
for  both  ladies  and  gentlemen.  The  hostess  is 
in  full  dress.  She  usually  invites  a  half-dozen 
or  less  young  ladies  to  assist  her  in  entertaining 
in  the  tea-room,  provided  she  has  not  several 
daughters  of  her  owm.  She  has  also  one  or 
more  friends  at  her  side  to  receive  with  her, 
unless  she  is  introducing  her  daughter,  or  some 
other  young  girl,  into  society.  This  fashion  of 
receiving  is  especially  approved  by  the  head  of 
the  house,  because  etiquette  does  not  command 
his  presence,  and  he  is  thus  enabled  to  escape 
a  fatigue  which  is  difficult  to  bear  after  the 


92 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


pressures  of  his  daily  occupations.  It  is  simply 
an  "  at  home  "  in  the  daytime,  or,  as  some  ladies 
have  lately  styled  it,  "a  social  matinee''  the 
word  inaiine'e  by  general  license  being  inter- 
preted to  mean  occasions  by  daylight  as  distin- 
guished from  those  at  night. 

An  elaborate  reception  is  preceded  by  a  visit 
or  a  call  by  card  upon  all  acquaintances  to 
whom  the  hostess  is  indebted  for  formal  civil- 
ities. Her  invitations  are  issued  in  her  own 
name,  with  the  additional  name  beneath  it,  if 
she  chooses,  of  daughter  or  friend,  provided  she 
proposes  to  be  assisted  in  her  entertainment  by 
another,  or  if  she  desires  it  to  be  understood  as 
an  introduction  of  a  stranger  into  her  circle  of 
society,  or  possibly  it  is  a  compliment  to  a 
favorite  acquaintance.  The  following  are  the 
customary  forms  of  invitation  engraved  upon 
cards  of  medium  size  : 

MRS.   JOHN  TALLMAN. 
MISS  TALLMAN. 
A  t  home 

Wednesday,  December  loth,  from  four  until  eight  o'clock. 

25  North  Street. 


AT  HOME  MATIN'£ES. 


93 


This  card  is  for  a  high  tea,  as  the  style  of 
its  invitation  and  the  hours  intimate. 

A  simple  "  at  home  "  will  be  only  engraved 
thus  : 

MRS.   JOHN  TALLMAN. 
MISS  TALLMAN. 
Wednesday^  December  loth. 
Coffee  at  four  o'clock. 

25  North  Street. 

"  At  home  "  is  seldom  engraved  upon  a  card 
for  a  very  informal  occasion,  unless  it  be  after  a 
wedding.  If  several  teas  are  to  be  given,  the 
lower  left  corner  of  the  card  is  engraved  : 

Tuesdays  in  December, 
froju  three  to  seven  o\lock. 

These  cards  are  sent  by  mail  in  two  envek 
opes  ;  but  less  formal  "  at  homes  "  when  the  day 
and  hour  for  receiving  are  written  in  the  left 
corner,  are  sent  in  but  one  envelope.  If  two  or 
more  ladies  are  to  receive  with  the  hostess,  their 
cards  may  or  may  not  be  inclosed  with  that  of 
the  lady  of  the  house,  according  to  inclination. 

Only  at  ceremonious  receptions  is  a  carpet 


94 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


spread  from  the  threshold  to  the  curbstone, 
with  an  awning  over  it.  A  serving-man  in  a 
long  coat  and  gloves,  stands  by  the  halting-place 
to  open  the  carriage-door,  and  assist  such  ladies 
to  alight  as  are  not  accompanied  by  a  gentle- 
man, or  who  have  no  second  man  of  their  own 
upon  the  box.  The  luxury  of  two  men  upon 
the  carriage  is  not  yet  so  common  in  New  York 
that  this  service  provided  by  the  hostess  can  be 
dispensed  with. 

At  afternoon  festivities  gentlemen  are  seldom 
able  to  present  themselves,  and  this  man  in  wait- 
ing is  really  essential  both  at  the  arrival  and  the 
departure  of  guests.  He  gives  a  number  upon 
a  card  to  the  coachman  when  he  arrives,  and  its 
duplicate  to  the  guest,  so  that  when  the  carriage 
is  wanted  only  the  figure  is  called  out  by  the 
serving-man  instead  of  its  owner's  name,  as 
would  otherwise  be  a  disagreeable  necessity. 

The  lady  guest  lays  aside  her  outer  wraps  in 
the  hall,  unless  she  prefers  to  go  to  a  dressing- 
room,  to  which  she  is  directed  as  she  arrives. 
She  enters  the  drawing-room  a  step  or  so  in 
advance  of  a  gentleman,  or  whoever  accom- 


AT  HOME  MATINEES. 


95 


panics  her,  which  is  oftener  than  not  a  young 
lady.  If  she  be  attended  she  presents  the  lady 
or  gentleman,  if  they  are  unfamiliar,  to  the 
hostess.  The  latter  then  introduces  the  group 
to  whomsoever  is  receiving  with  her.  After  a 
brief  interchange  of  civilities,  the  party  passes 
onward  to  permit  the  coming  guest  an  oppor- 
tunity for  speech  with  the  receiving  party.  It 
is  very  inconsiderate  to  engage  in  any  conversa- 
tion with  the  hostess  and  her  circle. 

Half  an  hour,  or  even  less  than  that  time,  is 
quite  long  enough  to  remain  in  crowded  draw- 
ing-rooms. It  is  kindness  to  the  hostess  to  make 
a  space  for  her  many  acquaintances,  and  it  is 
possible  discomfort  to  remain,  unless  there  is 
some  special  entertainment,  such  as  vocal  music 
or  the  matinee  dance.  A  gentleman  sometimes 
accepts  coffee,  etc.,  but  he  is  a  rare  man  who  so 
dishonors  his  dinner  as  to  eat  at  a  mid-afternoon 
party.  A  lady  seldom  refuses  an  ice  or  oysters, 
and  not  infrequently  she  partakes  heartily  of  a 
sumptuous  entertainment,  if  it  be  a  high  tea. 
Of  course  the  table  has  been  spread  with  deli- 
cacies, that  they  might  be  eaten  by  whoever 
7 


96 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


could  enjoy  them,  and  it  is  altogether  proper  to 
be  hungry  ;  but,  that  few  of  our  fashionables 
accustom  themselves  to  accept  rich  food  at  this 
hour  of  the  day  is  all  the  imformation  intended 
to  be  conveyed  by  these  remarks.  It  is  possible 
that  an  indifference  to  food  in  the  intervals  of 
regular  luncheons  and  dinners  has  assisted  to 
popularize  a  simpler  provision  for  the  palate  at 
afternoon  receptions. 

If  there  be  dancing,  as  is  provided  not  infre- 
quently in  very  large  houses,  and  is  sometimes 
mentioned  on  the  corner  of  the  card,  a  band  of 
music  is  stationed  as  remotely  as  possible  from 
the  hostess,  so  that  it  shall  not  interfere  with  her 
conversation,  and  the  ladies  and  gentlemen  who 
are  fond  of  it  of  course  seek  the  dressing-room, 
in  which  to  deposit  their  inconvenient  outer 
wraps,  etc.  The  hostess  can  not  leave  her  posi- 
tion to  dance,  but  her  daughters  may  do  so 
during  the  latter  part  of  the  afternoon.  It  is 
not  uncommon  for  the  hostess  to  invite  a  few 
young  people  by  special  note,  to  remain  and 
dance  after  the  hours  mentioned  in  the  invita- 
tion, the  refreshment-table  providing  them  with 


AT  HOME  MATINEES. 


97 


an  informal  dinner.  She  may,  if  she  chooses, 
make  this  request  verbally  during  the  reception. 

Ices,  coffee,  chocolate,  tea,  or  wine,  with 
fancy  cakes  or  dainty  sandwiches,  etc.,  may 
be  passed  to  such  guests  as  do  not  care  to  go 
to  the  refreshment-room  for  more  substantial 
luxuries. 

At  a  tea  or  kaffee  klatsch^  if  there  is  not  a 
crowd  of  guests,  a  tray  with  coffee  and  tea,  also 
cream  and  sugar,  is  presented  almost  immedi- 
ately by  a  domestic,  either  male  or  female,  and 
another  one  follows  with  sandwiches,  thinly  cut 
and  spread,  bread  and  butter,  or  cakes.  If  the 
rooms  are  filled,  the  hostess  or  her  assistants  in- 
vite the  guest  to  seek  refreshment  where  it  is 
served.  Some  ladies  invite  several  of  their  young 
lady  friends  to  supply  coffee,  tea,  etc.,  instead 
of  a  servant.  It  is  a  pretty  and  gracious  fashion. 
The  young  lady  brings  one  cup  at  a  time,  and 
a  plate  of  food,  but  does  not  bear  a  tray.  She 
remains  for  a  few  words  with  the  guest,  unless 
her  more  practical  assistance  is  demanded  else- 
where. 

It  is  not  expected  that  a  ceremonious  leave- 


08 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


taking  will  precede  the  departure  of  guests,  es- 
pecially if  the  drawing-rooms  are  still  well  filled. 
The  omission  of  this  formality  is  not  only  not  a 
discourtesy,  but  it  is  a  real  kindness.  If  the 
reception  be  a  grand  and  elaborate  one,  after- 
calls  are  de  rigiieur ;  but  if  it  be  an  informal 
one,  a  social  matinee  for  "  tea  and  talk,"  after- 
calls  are  not  expected.  Indeed,  this  variety  of 
reception  is  scarcely  more  than  a  condensation 
of  calls. 

Those  who  are  unable  to  be  present  send 
their  cards  upon  the  day  of  the  tea,  and  if  pos- 
sible during  the  reception  hours.  These  are  left 
upon  the  hall  table  in  care  of  the  attendant. 
In  case  of  a  series  of  receptions,  none  of  which 
are  attended,  a  card  must  be  sent  in  to  the  last 
one  without  fail,  and  some  ladies  and  gentlemen 
carry  their  courtesy  so  far  as  to  forward  their 
cards  on  each  day,  or  evening,  to  prove  that, 
though  absent,  they  do  not  forget  the  hospitality 
extended  to  them.. 

This  simple  style  of  reception  has  become  an 
established  custom  in  New  York,  and  its  popu- 
larity is  more  and  more  extending  for  evening 


AT  HOME  MATINEES. 


99 


hours.  Its  simplicity  of  detail  spares  the  hostess 
many  burdens,  and  leaves  her  free  to  be  intel- 
lectually entertaining.  Sociality  arranged  after 
this  simple  fashion  has  prevailed  a  long  time 
among  people  of  literary  and  artistic  tastes, 
where  the  entire  evening  is  spent  in  conversa- 
tion, music,  and  reading.  Bonnets  and  wraps 
are  laid  aside,  and  the  costumes  of  the  ladies 
are  pretty  but  not  graftde  toilette.  The  gentle- 
men are  in  evening  dress.  The  latter  do  not 
wear  gloves,  as  vi^as  de  rigueur  at  one  time.  In- 
deed, they  are  needed  by  gentlemen  guests  in 
private  houses  only  while  dancing,  their  exem- 
plar, and  it  may  be  said  liberator,  having  been 
the  Prince  of  Wales. 

The  hostess  rarely  introduces  people  at  large 
receptions,  partly  because  she  is  too  closely  occu- 
pied in  receiving  her  guests,  and  partly  because 
it  is  not  fashionable  to  do  so  unless  requested. 
There  are  those  who  would  consider  it  an  un- 
pleasantly officious  act  on  the  part  of  the  hostess 
to  thus  insist  upon  acquainting  them  with  un- 
known, and  possibly  unheard  of,  individuals. 
The  accepted  formalities  of  introduction  in  New 


100 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


York  are  fully  explained  in  another  chapter,  and 
referred  to  in  this  connection  only  to  explain 
why  they  are  even  less  frequently  performed  at 
large  and  general  receptions  than  at  small  parties, 
and  also  to  suggest  that  they  should  seldom  be 
expected  or  asked  for  in  crowded  assemblies, 
except  as  affording  gentlemen  the  chance  of 
asking  ladies  to  favor  them  with  dances.  All 
the  same,  in  the  best  circles,  the  ladies  chat 
together,  and  gentlemen  do  the  same.  Indeed, 
they  may  introduce  each  other,  if  they  choose, 
without  making  the  host  or  hostess  responsible 
for  the  acquaintance. 


X. 


GIVING   AND   ATTENDING   PARTIES,  BALLS,  AND 
GERMANS. 

The  evening  party  almost  invariably  includes 
dancing,  and  yet  it  is  considered  very  proper  to 
direct  that  the  word  dancing  be  engraved  on  the 
corner  of  the  invitation,  and  also  the  hour  of  its 
commencing.  The  ball  is,  of  course,  an  assem- 
blage exclusively  for  the  dance.  This  amuse- 
ment and  a  substantial  supper  constitute  a  ball. 
The  hour  mentioned  on  the  invitation  is  usually 
much  later  for  a  ball  than  it  is  for  a  party.  The 
former  ranges  from  half- past  nine  to  eleven 
o'clock,  though  there  are  few  entertainments  in 
New  York  which  commence  so  late  as  the  time 
last  mentioned.  From,  nine  to  half-past  ten  are 
the  favorite  hours  named  in  notes  of  invitation 
to  balls.  These  notes  are  sent  out  in  two  envel- 
opes, from  ten  to  twenty  days  in  advance  of  the 
festivity.    The  post  is  the  safest  messenger  for 


102 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


them,  unless  the  lady  issuing  the  cards  can  trust 
her  ov;n  servant.  A  single  lost  card  often  counts 
for  a  lost  friend  on  these  grand  occasions. 

The  party  note  or  card  is  issued  about  ten 
or  fifteen  days  prior  to  the  appointed  evening; 
and,  unless  it  be  a  strictly  formal  occasion,  a  sin- 
gle envelope  is  sufficient  wrapping.  Of  course 
the  post  delivers  them.  The  hour  mentioned  is 
nine  to  half-past  nine  o'clock. 

The  ball  demands  the  fullest  of  toilets  which 
the  season  admits.  A  few  residences  only  have 
ball-room.s  attached  to  them,  because  the  limit- 
ations of  city  spaces  prevent.  If  there  is  no 
ball-room,  and  the  drawing-room  is  used  in- 
stead, a  linen  cloth  is  stretched  over  the  carpet, 
and  the  furniture  is  mostly  removed.  Growing 
flowers  are  arranged  wherever  they  can  be  effec- 
tively placed  ;  garlands  are  hung  picturesquely, 
and  cut  blossoms  give  forth  their  fragrance,  and 
add  color  and  beauty  as  lavishly  as  the  hostess 
chooses  to  provide.  The  supper-room  is  ar- 
ranged  with  choice  articles  of  food,  both  cold 
and  hot,  and  is  usually  opened  at  half-past 
twelve  or  one  o^clock,  but  light  refreshments; 


PARTIES,  BALLS,  AND  GERMANS.  103 


such  as  ices  and  cakes,  also  sandwiches  and  such 
drinks  as  satisfy  varied  tastes,  including  coffee, 
chocolate,  lemonade,  bouillon,  and  most  likely 
punches  and  wines,  are  accessible  to  guests  dur- 
ing the  entire  ball,  and  are  set  out  upon  side 
tableSj  buffets,  etc.  Waltzing,  interspersed  with 
square  dances,  occupy  the  time  until  supper  is 
announced,  or  the  door  of  the  supper-room  is 
throv/n  open.  Immediately  after  this  the  Ger- 
man is  usually  danced.  The  order  of  its  dances 
is  engraved  or  printed  upon  a  pretty  programme, 
and  the  music  for  each  is  selected  by  the  hostess, 
who  has  an  interview  with  her  musical  leader 
for  this  purpose  when  she  engages  him.  Some 
ladies  send  out  this  programme  w^ith  their  in- 
vitations, but  this  is  by  no  means  as  universal 
as  it  should  be.  The  minuet  and  Sir  Roger 
de  Coverley  dance  are  returning  to  favor  again, 
and  doubtless  they  never  will  go  quite  out  of 
fashion. 

The  hostess  sends  out  her  invitations  for 
either  ball  or  party  after  calling  by  card  or  in 
person  upon  all  her  proposed  guests  to  whom 
she  is  socially  indebted.    They  are  handsomely 


104 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


engraved  in  script,  and  issued  in  her  own  name 
for  a  ball,  but  in  both  her  own  and  her  hus- 
band's name  for  a  party. 

The  following  are  the  accepted  forms  for 
a  ball  : 

MRS.   FARQUAHR  ALEXANDER 
requests  the  pleasure  of  your  company 
on  Tuesday  evening ,  October  ^th, 
at  half-past  nine  o^clock. 
Dancing.  28  Silver  Place. 

Another  style  of  card  or  note  does  not  have 
dancing  engraved  upon  it,  because  some  of  those 
who  may  be  invited  are  too  mature  to  enjoy  this 
activity,  or  are  in  mourning,  and  will  be  dis- 
turbed at  the  suggestion,  even  though  they  would 
feel  hurt  if  omitted  from  the  list  of  those  who 
are  bidden.  Not  to  hurt  these  sensitive  per- 
sons, another  card,'  small  in  size,  with 

Dancing 

engraved  upon  it,  accompanies  some  invitations, 
but  is  omitted  from  others. 

The  party  invitation  has  the  same  hour  for 


PARTIES,  BALLS,  AND  GERMANS.  105 


arriving,  but  instead  of  the  single  word  dancing 
in  the  left  corner,  it  may  have  engraved  upon  it 

Dancing  at  eleven. 

This  hour  intimates  that  those  who  desire  to 
accept  for  a  little  while  in  the  first  part  of  the 
evening,  can  leave  when  the  dancing  begins,  if 
they  choose  not  to  remain. 

Of  course  these  invitations  must  be  accepted 
or  declined  within  two  or  three  days  of  their 
arrival.  The  form  of  acceptance  or  regret  to  a 
ball  or  party  is  written  in  the  name  or  names  of 
those  receiving  the  cards,  thus  : 

MR.  AND  MRS.  JOHN  BROWN  EOWS 
accept  with  pleasure  [or  decline  with  sincere  regret] 

Mrs.  Farquahr  Alexander's 

kind  invitation  for  Tuesday  evening,  Octob:r  ^th. 
September  20th.  10  First  Place. 

An  awning  to  shelter  the  guests  from  their 
carriage  to  the  vestibule  and  a  carpet  for  them 
to  tread  upon  from  the  curbstone  to  the  hall 
are  provided  at  all  balls,  parties,  and  so-called 
"Germ.ans  " — (a  term  sometimes  used  to  desig- 


106 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


nate  a  party  in  which  this  dance  is  the  main 
feature) — and,  indeed,  wherever  ladies  in  full 
dress  are  expected.  A  serving-man  is  stationed 
at  the  proper  place  to  open  the  carriage-door, 
number  the  carriage,  and  give  the  figures  that 
it  represents,  printed  upon  a  card,  in  the  order 
of  its  arrival,  to  both  guests  and  coachman  ;  so 
that  when  it  is  wanted  it  can  be  easily  secured, 
without  the  unpleasantness  of  hearing  the  name 
of  its  owner  called  out  through  the  darkness. 
Another  servant  opens  the  vestibule  door  with- 
out waiting  for  the  bell  to  be  sounded,  and  he 
immediately  directs  the  guests  to  their  respective 
dressing-rooms.  Now,  just  at  this  point  arises  a 
question  which  has  long  been  in  dispute,  and  it 
may  be  settled  at  once  :  ^'  Which  side  of  the 
stairway,  the  rail  or  the  wall,  should  be  accorded 
to  a  lady  ?  " 

It  has  been  discussed  by  gentlemen,  as  if  it 
were  a  matter  for  them  to  decide,  which  it  is 
not,  by  any  means.  Such  ladies  as  have  been 
given  their  choice  have  invariably  said  :  "  Per- 
mit me  to  take  your  left  arm  with  my  right  hand, 
and  it  does  not  matter  whether  it  is  wall  or  rail 


PARTIES,  BALLS,  AND  GERMANS,  107 


that  I  am  nearest  in  going  up  or  down  stairs.  I 
can  better  care  for  myself  than  you  can  care 
for  me." 

Sometimes  the  turning  or  curving  of  the 
staircase  so  narrows  the  steps  on  the  rail  side 
as  to  make  them  dangerous  to  heedless  feet.  In 
such  a  case  a  lady  must  cling  to  the  arm  of  her 
escort,  or  else  clasp  the  rail  with  her  fresh  and 
tightly-fitting  gloves,  which  last  she  is  never  will- 
ing to  do  if  she  can  avoid  it. 

Of  course  a  gentleman  can  not  always  wait  to 
examine  the  architectural  peculiarities  of  a  stair- 
way before  he  decides  which  arm  will  best 
satisfy  the  lady  whom  he  desires  to  benefit.  He 
is  safe  in  offering  her  his  left.  If  she  declines 
assistance,  she  will  choose  which  part  of  the 
stairs  she  likes  best  to  ascend,  and  the  gentle- 
man will  precede  her  by  two  or  three  steps.  On 
going  down  he  is  always  slightly  in  advance  of 
her.  This  arrangement  settles  the  question  sat- 
isfactorily to  the  ladies,  and  gentlemen  really 
have  no  right  to  a  choice  in  this  matter. 

A  lady  may,  and,  indeed,  she  usually  does, 
carry  her  bouquet  (and  her  fan,  also,  if  it  be  not 


108 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


suspended  by  a  chatelaine,  which  it  usually  is)  in 
the  hand  which  rests  for  support  upon  the  arm 
of  her  escort,  thus  leaving  her  left  free  to  pro- 
tect her  train,  provided  she  desires  to  lift  it  from 
the  tread  of  heedless  or  crowding  feet. 

The  wife  enters  a  drawing-room  on  the  hus- 
band's right,  or,  if  the  lady  be  not  married,  then 
the  eldest  lady  occupies  this  position,  provided 
there  be  more  than  one  accompanying  a  gentle- 
man. Often er  than  otherwise,  the  lady  of  to- 
day does  not  lean  upon  the  arm  of  her  escort, 
but  advances  into  the  salon  unassisted.  Indeed, 
the  ancient  clinging  custom  is  falling  into  disuse 
in  our  fashionable  society. 

The  lady  precedes  a  gentleman  by  a  step  or 
two,  when  entering  or  passing  out  from  an  apart- 
ment, provided  she  does  not  retain  his  arm.  In 
the  highest  circles  in  France,  the  lady  enters 
several  steps  in  advance  of  the  gentleman  at  a 
formal  reception.  Our  custom  of  precedence  is 
not  quite  so  pronounced  as  that.  Possibly,  the 
French  lady  is  permitted  this  form  of  superiority 
in  society  because  she  really  receives  much  less 
consideration  at  home  than  the  American  woman. 


PARTIES,  BALLS,  AND  GERMANS.  109 


After  the  customary  greetings  between  gaests 
and  hostess,  and  also  such  others  as  are  receiv- 
ing with  her,  the  former  walk  about  to  find 
friends,  or  wait  until  the  younger  ones  have 
partners  for  dancing,  after  which  conversation 
occupies  the  time  agreeably  until  supper. 

An  applicant  for  the  honor  and  pleasure  of 
a  dance  is  always  careful  to  recognize  the  office 
and  authority  of  the  chaperon  when  making  his 
request.  This  is  considered  no  more  respect 
than  is  due  to  the  lady  who  has  kindly  under- 
taken the  protection  of  a  young  lady  at  a  ball. 

The  gentleman  returns  the  young  lady  di- 
rectly to  the  care  of  her  married  or  her  older 
lady  friend,  as  soon  as  the  dance  is  finished. 

He  may  linger  there  to  converse  with  her,  but 
not  elsewhere,  according  to  the  usages  of  our 
best  society. 

It  is  customary  for  both  ladies  to  visit  the 
supper-room  with  the  gentleman  with  whom  the 
young  lady  has  last  been  dancing,  and  with 
whom  she  may  be  still  chatting  at  the  side  of 
her  chaperon  when  this  welcome  moment  has 
arrived  :  of  course,  provided  he  is  at  liberty  to 


110 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


offer  his  services  to  them.  No  observable  dis- 
inclination to  accept  this  escort  is  possible  on 
her  part,  no  matter  what  previous  anticipations 
she  may  have  indulged.  A  ball  is  too  formal  a 
place  for  any  one  to  indulge  in  personal  prefer- 
ences of  any  kind.  Even  if  a  gentleman  is  of 
the  lady's  own  party,  and  went  to  the  ball  in 
the  same  carriage  with  her,  she  can  not  refuse  the 
offer  of  another  gentleman's  arm  to  the  supper- 
room  in  company  with  her  mamma  or  her  mar- 
ried lady  friend.  A  gentleman  is  not  as  free  as 
the  lady  at  this  moment.  If  he  accompanies  a 
lady  or  a  party  of  ladies,  he  must  first  be  certain 
that  they  are  properly  attended  at  this  impor- 
tant moment,  before  he  can  offer  his  services  to 
others.  If  it  be  possible,  he  is  near  enough  at 
this  hour  to  offer  his  service  to  them,  but  this 
is  not  always  convenient. 

A  stand  -  up  supper,"  or  what  Theodore 
Hook  called  "  perpendicular  refreshments,"  is 
usually  served  at  balls  and  large  parties,  at  which 
the  escort  is  careful  to  see  that  the  lady  is  prop- 
erly supplied  and  made  as  comfortable  as  pos- 
sible before   he  refreshes   himself.    The  lady 


PARTIES,  BALLS,  AND  GERMANS.  \\\ 


can  not  call  upon  any  one  except  an  attendant 
for  service,  nor  can  she  properly  receive  atten- 
tion from  any  one  except  her  escort,  unless  it 
be  offered  by  some  member  of  her  host's  family. 

These  supper  customs  apply  also  to  a  public 
ball,  where,  if  an  escort  overlooks  her  needs,  she 
must  ask  assistance  only  from  a  servant.  Among 
the  few  liberties  which  a  young  lady  enjoys  at  a 
public  entertainment  is  the  privilege  of  refusing 
to  dance  with  such  applicants  for  this  honor  as 
she  chooses  to  disregard.  Of  course  she  does 
this  courteously  and  gently  ;  but  one  must  be  a 
young  lady  to  understand  the  full  delight  of 
this  permission.  If  she  refuses  an  invitation  to 
dance  at  a  private  ball,  as  has  been  mentioned, 
she  loses  the  dance  altogether,  and  must  sit  all 
through  its  bewildering  and  inviting  music. 
Balls  terminate  by  two  or  three  o'clock. 

At  a  party,  dancing  seldom  begins  until  after 
supper,  as  the  cards  will  suggest.  Conversation, 
music,  etc.,  occupy  the  earlier  part  of  the  even- 
ing, and  the  dancing  is  ended  and  all  departures 
are  made  by  one  o'clock  at  the  latest. 

The  "  German  "  differs  very  little  in  its  eti- 
8 


112 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


quette  from  that  of  the  party.  The  leader  of 
the  dance  is  to  be  selected  with  discretion  by 
the  hostess,  and  the  favors,  which  are  always 
provided  for  the  dancers,  are  chosen  with  in- 
dividual and  refined  taste,  always  avoiding  os- 
tentatious display.  The  hostess  is  attentive  to 
the  ladies,  observing  if  any  timid  or  unattractive 
guest  receives  a  noticeably  small  number  of  these 
trifles.  With  tact  she  quietly  provides  her  with 
dances  that  shall  make  all  favors  as  nearly  equal 
as  is  possible  upon  such  occasions  of  competi- 
tion. 

Generally  the  early  part  of  the  evening  is 
spent  with  the  waltz,  and  after  supper  the  "  Ger- 
man." Of  course,  nobody  gives  a  "German" 
without  being  familiar  with  all  the  necessary  and 
peculiar  etceteras,  which  it  is  not  in  the  province 
of  etiquette  to  explain.  The  card  of  invitation 
is  usually  like  that  of  a  party,  "The  German" 
being  engraved  on  the  left-hand  corner,  with  the 
hour  when  the  dance  is  to  commence.  This 
mention  of  the  time  for  opening  the  dance  will 
be  appreciated  by  all  who  are  familiar  with  its 
requirements.    If  a  coterie  meets  for  practicing 


PARTIES,  BALLS,  AND  GERMANS.  113 


the  "  German,"  it  is  customary  for  each  lady- 
member  of  it  to  invite  the  chib  to  her  home 
once  during  the  season,  and  also  other  guests  as 
agreed  upon  by  by-laws,  from  among  her  own 
particular  friends.  The  cards  of  the  coterie  are 
engraved  in  script,  and  the  monogram  selected 
for  it  is  upon  the  top  of  the  page.  They  are 
furnished  by  the  club  to  each  hostess,  and  the 
following  is  the  accepted  formula,  the  card  being 
issued  in  the  name  of  the  mother  : 

MRS.  

requests  the  pleasure  of  your  company 
at  a  meeting  of  the  German  coterie, 

Tuesday  evening,  

at  half-past  eight  o^lock. 

The  blank  spaces  are  written  in  with  names 
and  dates  as  required. 

Calls  to  return  thanks,  offer  congratulations, 
and  for  inquiries,  are  made  on  the  first  receiving 
day  of  the  hostess  by  each  guest  who  is  not  a 
member  of  the  club,  whether  her  invitation  was 
accepted  or  declined.  The  members  of  the 
coterie  are  not  expected  to  heed  this  formality. 


114 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


If  the  hostess  has  no  fixed  day  for  receiving, 
a  visit  should  be  made  to  her,  or  cards  left  for 
her  within  ten  days  after  the  German.  These 
coteries  are  among  the  most  fashionable  and  en- 
joyable of  simple  entertainments,  because  they 
are  less  formal,  and  full  dress  for  ladies  is  not 
de  7'igueur.  And  also  because  the  master  in  the 
art  of  dancing  acts  in  the  capacity  of  chaperon, 
except  when  the  young  lady  goes  and  returns 
from  it,  when  she  may  be  escorted  by  a  brother, 
or  only  by  her  maid. 


XI. 


DINNER  GIVING  AND  DINING  OUT. 

The  history  of  an  unknown  civilization  might 
be  read  in  the  bill  of  its  fare,  and  in  the  forms 
of  its  feasting.  We  need  not  search  beyond  the 
conventionalities  of  the  banquet  to  inform  our- 
selves of  the  subtlest  perfections  of  refined  taste, 
or  of  a  semi-barbarism.  Between  these  two  ex- 
tremes stretch  vast  and  varied  areas  of  lessen- 
ing skill,  or  of  decreasing  vulgarity,  no  grade  of 
which  is  indistinguishable.  Individual  awkward- 
ness and  stupidity  fail  to  exercise  the  refinements 
of  the  era,  and  by  this  test  the  measurement  of 
its  advancement  toward  superiority  is  exact  and 
trustworthy.  Not  that  superior  methods  of  eat- 
ing are  the  highest  of  accomplishments  by  any 
means,  but  they  are  trustworthy  indicators  of 
indwelling  tendencies  and  developments. 

There  are  those  who  reject  the  highest  forms 
of  social  etiquette  through  an  assumed  superior- 


116 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


ity  to  fixed  rules  ;  but  an  isolated  case  of  ab- 
sence of  good  manners,  and  of  high  forms  of 
conduct,  proves  nothing,  and,  as  a  modern  writer 
declares,  "should  be  attributed  to  a  personal  in- 
capacity for  adopting  them." 

A  tendency  toward  originality  in  individual 
cases  might  increase  the  charm  of  social  inter- 
course, and  ultimately  lead  to  superior  and  more 
attractive  formalities ;  but  we  have  arrived  at  a 
sufficiently  excellent  standard  in  etiquette  to 
satisfy  the  most  fastidious  of  dinner-givers  and 
diners-out,  especially  when  we  remember  that 
aiming  at  the  possible  in  these  critical  affairs  is 
a  dangerous  experiment.  Inharmony  is  never 
beautiful,  although  originality  may  be,  and  safety 
is  to  be  found  only  in  established  formalities. 

Pendent  as  we  have  been  between  the  Eng- 
lish style  of  entertaining,  which  is  a  massive  so- 
lidity, and  the  lighter  and  more  graceful  French, 
we  are  no  longer  vibrating.  We  have  rested 
ourselves  upon  a  standard  that  is  largely  our 
own,  although,  like  our  legal  statutes,  our  social 
regulations  have  been  formulated  from  such  of 
the  habits  of  both  nations  as  are  adaptable  to 


DINNER  GIVING  AND  DINING  OUT.  117 


ourselves.  As  we  had  neither  royalty  nor  rank 
to  decide  these  matters  for  us,  the  time  con- 
sumed in  the  adjustment  of  our  social  affairs 
was,  very  naturally,  extended  through  many 
years.  We  became  weary  of  being  asked,  "  How 
do  you  do  these  things  in  America?"  when  we 
had  no  proper  reply  to  make.  "  I  suppose  you 
have  a  best  society,  and  I  would  like,  you  know, 
to  understand  how  you  regulate  it.  Does  any- 
body possess  a  right  of  precedence  at  a  dinner- 
party }  "  inquired  a  small,  but  not  intentionally 
impertinent,  "my  lord"  not  many  years  since. 
"I  don't  suppose  you  feel  settled  in  social  mat- 
ters," he  went  on  to  say,  as  if  he  intended  good- 
naturedly  to  apologize  for  all  the  social  barbari- 
ties which  he  had  traversed  the  sea  to  witness, 
and  the  entire  absence  of  which  would  doubtless 
have  disappointed  him. 

"  Indeed,  we  do  have  a  best  society,  and 
most  excellent  it  is,  too,  because  we  recognize 
superiority  without  consulting  a  Doomsday-book. 
We  know  exactly  what  to  do  for  ourselves  and 
for  our  visitors,"  was  the  prompt  answer.  Of 
course  this  reply  was  .part  pride  and  part  truth, 


118 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


and  the  former  sentiment  was  made  just  sore 
enough  to'  compel  us  to  seek  after  a  protection 
against  future  hurts  of  this  sort,  which  might  be 
inflicted  by  Ijie  semi-contempt  of  a  traditional 
nobility. 

The  lady  who  proposes  to  give  a  dinner- 
party, or  a  series  of  parties,  is  exceedingly  care- 
ful to  catalogue  all  the  names  to  whom  she 
desires  to  extend  such  hospitalities.  From  all 
these  she  selects  and  groups  those  who  will 
affect  each  other  pleasantly,  either  by  reason  of 
positive  sympathy,  or  by  an  agreeable  contrast 
of  tastes,  interests,  or  sentiments.  The  differ- 
ences in  social  conditions  often  go  far  toward 
deciding  upon  the  groups,  but  latterly  intellect- 
ual attainments  have  established  a  higher  grade 
of  position,  and  the  combinations  of  guests  are 
based  upon  mental  accomplishments,  instead  of 
family  connection.  In  either  case  the  etiquette 
is  the  same.  As  we  have  no  real  distinctions  of 
birth,  and  find  ourselves  affected  by  the  tradi- 
tional customs  of  our  ancestry,  we  too  often 
hunt  after  a  lion  or  a  lioness  as  a  motive  for  a 
feast,  because  this  person  or  personage  will  make 


DINNER  GIVING  AND  DINING  OUT.  U9 

the  formalities  of  the  occasion  less  difficult  of 
settlement.  This  hero  may  not  be  eminent  to  a 
startling  degree,  but  all  the  same  his  presence 
settles  beyond  question  who  is  to  go  in  to  dinner 
with  the  host  or  hostess,  and  this  decision  assists 
the  timid  entertainers  amazingly.  Sometimes  it 
is  the  birthday  of  the  honored  guest,  the  return 
of  a  bridal  party,  a  re-entrance  into  society  after 
an  illness,  or  following  a  sorrowful  retirement 
from  gayety ;  or  it  may  be  the  celebration  of  an 
achievement,  literary,  artistic,  political,  or  finan- 
cial ;  but  being  a  decided  something  by  which  to 
distinguish  a  single  individual,  and  to  hang  upon 
him  or  her  a  reason  for  receiving  precedence 
over  all  others  on  this  occasion  of  feasting,  the 
lady  is  escorted  by  the  host  to  the  table,  and 
placed  at  his  right  hand  ;  but  if  the  honored 
guest  be  a  gentleman,  or  the  husband  of  the 
honored  lady  guest,  he  goes  in  to  dinner  with 
the  hostess,  and  sits  upon  her  right  hand. 

If  there  really  is  no  person  to  whom  an  espe- 
cial attention  is  to  be  shown,  the  eldest  lady 
(provided  she  is  old  enough  to  be  proud  of  her 
many  years),  the  wife  of  the  highest  official,  or 


120 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


of  the  most  eminent  scholar,  or  the  one  who  is 
the  greatest  stranger,  is  offered  the  arm  of  the 
host. 

To  give  the  dinner  in  honor  of  some  person, 
or  "to  meet  "  a  particular  party,  as  the  invitation 
should  explain  (provided  the  guest  be  not  un- 
mistakably famous),  has  an  especial  advantage 
in  that  it  settles  who  shall,  and  who  need  not,  be 
present.  This  is  an  agreeable  and  easy  method 
of  disposing  of  our  first  difficulty  when  issuing 
invitations.  Those  who  are  not  invited  im- 
mediately understand,  by  lack  of  their  own 
affiliations,  why  they  were  not  included  on  this 
particular  occasion,  and  they  indulge  in  no  un- 
pleasant speculations  about  the  matter.  They 
know  that,  when  a  fitter  occasion  occurs,  their 
names  will  be  properly  grouped,  according  to 
their  tastes  and  associations.  No  explanation  is 
necessary  from  the  giver  of  a  dinner  to  friends 
who  are  omitted.  The  invitation  itself  is  its 
own  interpretation,  should  the  card  fall  under 
the  eyes  of  those  who,  but  for  the  to  meet " 
upon  it,  might  feel  hurt  by  a  suspicion  of  neglect. 

If  the  dinner  be  a  very  grand  and  ceremoni- 


DINNER  GIVING  AND  DINING  OUT.  121 


ous  entertainment,  and  given  to  express  respect 
for  a  well-known  individual,  and  there  is  time 
for  premeditated  formalities,  the  name  of  the 
honored  guest  should  be  engraved  upon  the  card 
of  invitation,  and  sent  out  from  ten  to  twenty 
days  in  advance.  Its  form  will  be  thus,  if  it  is 
engraved  upon  a  separate  card  : 

TO  MEET 

MR.   AND  MRS.   LIVINGSTON  LIVINGSTON, 

of  Ts'ew  Orleans. 

It  is  customary  for  those  who  give  frequent 
dinner-parties  to  order  an  invitation  engraved 
with  blanks  upon  it,  for  the  insertion  of  the 
names  of  guests,  and  also  the  various  dates. 
This  card,  as  far  as  any  improvement  can  be 
imagined  for  it,  will  serve  for  all  time. 

Its  form  is  thus  : 

MR.  AND  MRS.   JAMES  KNOX  WREN 
request  the  pleastire  of 

.  company 

at  dinner 

on  Monday  evening,  

at  seven  o'clock. 
II  Clinton  Square. 

Almost  every  hostess  has  one  evening  in  the 


122 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


week  upon  which  she  always  gives  her  dinners, 
and  she  does  not  change  it  any  more  than  she 
would  her  receiving  day  ;  hence  she  may  have 
that  part  of  her  dinner  date  engraved. 

Of  course,  R.  s.  v.  p.  is  still  seen  upon  many 
invitations,  but  it  is  falling  into  disuse,  and  will 
soon  disappear.  It  is  equivalent  to  mentioning 
to  your  hoped-for  guest  that  you  are  not  quite 
sure  if  he  knows  enough  about  the  customs  of 
good  society  to  reply  to  an  invitation  to  din- 
ner. However,  good  form  has  not  yet  effectually 
frowned  upon  this  reminder  of  our  former  lack 
of  fine  manners. 

If  an  especial  honor  is  intended,  or  the  per- 
sons for  whom  the  dinner  is  to  be  given  are  espe- 
cially distinguished,  it  is  in  good  taste  to  order 
cards  for  it,  thus  : 

TO  MEET 

General  and  Mrs.  Rey  Collins, 

MR.   and  MRS.   KINGSTON  WOOD 
request  the  honor 

o f_  company 

at  dinner 

on  Monday  evening,  January  loth,  at  eight  o'clock, 
12  Villa  Street. 


DINNER  GIVING  AND  DINING  OUT.  123 


Replies  should  be  sent  immediately,  so  that, 
if  regrets  are  made,  vacancies  may  be  filled.  A 
delay  is  unpardonable.  If  there  is  the  slightest 
doubt  about  being  able  to  be  present,  the  in- 
vitation must  be  declined.  If  it  be  accepted,  and 
an  insurmountable  obstacle  comes  in  between 
the  guest  and  the  dinner,  instant  explanations 
must  be  made,  as  an  empty  chair  at  a  feast  is 
a  depressing  object,  and  usually  leaves  some 
lady  without  an  escort,  or  some  gentleman 
alone. 

The  following  is  the  customary  formula  of 
acceptance  : 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Hobart  Harrison 

accept  with  pleasure 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Kingstoii  Wood's 
kind  invitation  to  dine  with  them  on  Monday  evenings 
January  loth. 
J I  Septi??izis  Avenue. 

If  unable  to  accept,  the  refusal  must  be  ex- 
pressed in  language  that  conveys  real  sorrow. 
The  following  is  a  prevailing  style  of  declina- 
tion : 


124 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


Mr.  and  Mrs.  Ilobart  Harrison 
regret  most  sincerely  that  a  previous  engagement 
[or  an  illness  or  sorrow,  etc.] 
makes  it  quite  impossible  for  them  to  accept 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Kingston  Wood's 
kind  itwitation  for  Monday  evening, 
January  loth. 
j>/  Septitmis  Avenue . 

Of  course  the  formality  or  informality  of  the 
acquaintance  between  the  parties  regulates  the 
method  and  clearness  of  this  refusal  of  an  in- 
vitation. 

If  the  note  sent  in  reply  be  bordered  with 
black,  that  tells  its  own  story;  but  there  are 
many  things  which  may  not  be  mentioned,  but 
which  make  gayeties  unwelcome  at  times,  and 
every  gentlewoman  will  receive  declinations  to 
her  invitations  in  the  full  belief  that  the  regret 
is  genuine. 

To  be  prompt,  but  not  too  early,  for  dinner, 
is  a  rigid  necessity  that  requires  no  explanation. 
Five  or  ten  minutes  is  the  customary  interval  be- 
tween arriving  and  the  dinner  hour.  Earlier, 
the  hostess  may  not  be  in  waiting  to  welcome 


DINNER  GIVING  AND  DINING  OUT.  125 

her  guests.  Later  than  this,  time  for  introduc- 
tions, and  arrangements  for  escorts  to  the  table, 
may  not  be  sufficient.  If  the  party  is  large,  a 
diagram  of  the  table  accurately  drawn,  with  the 
name  of  each  lady  and  gentleman  written  in  its 
place,  is  in  each  of  the  dressing-rooms,  and  the 
servants  in  attendence  call  attention  to  it  if  a 
guest  is  likely  to  forget  to  study  it.  This  dia- 
gram explains  whom  each  guest  is  to  have  as 
partner  at  table,  and  upon  which  side  of  the 
host  each  pair  is  to  look  for  places,  which  are 
again  indicated  on  the  table  by  location  cards. 
This  arrangement  spares  both  host  and  hostess 
much  strain  upon  their  memories  at  the  moment 
of  receiving  a  large  number  of  people.  The 
gentlemen,  if  unacquainted  with  the  ladies  as- 
signed to  them,  remind  the  host  or  hostess  of 
this  fact,  and  the  presentation  is  speedily  made. 
In  England  this  plan  does  not  prevail  in  private 
houses,  and  sometimes  the  gentleman  and  lady 
assigned  to  be  seated  together  at  table  are  un- 
aware of  each  other's  names.  It  has  happened 
that  the  host  or  hostess  has  said  to  a  guest, 
"You  will  please  take  in  the  lady  in  blue 


126  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

standing  by  the  piano."  Of  course,  this  is  an 
extreme  case  of  social  superiority  and  person- 
ality which  we  do  not  propose  to  imitate.  If 
the  guests  be  selected  from  those  who  are  already 
acquainted  with  each  other,  or  if  they  are  not, 
and  it  is  a  small  dinner,  it  is  still  in  good  form 
for  cards  to  be  left  on  a  tray  in  the  hall  for  the 
servant  to  offer  to  gentlemen  as  they  descend 
from  the  dressing-room.  Each  guest  finds  his 
own  with  a  lady's  name,  also  "right  of  host,"  or 
"  left  of  host,"  written  upon  it.  If  he  is  ac- 
quainted with  the  lady  he  seeks  her  as  soon  as 
he  has  greeted  his  host  and  hostess.  If  he  does 
not  know  her  he  mentions  it  to  one  of  his  enter- 
tainers, and  he  is  immediately  presented. 

This  plan  lessens  the  difficulty  of  finding 
assigned  positions  in  the  dining-room,  even  at  a 
small  table.  A  card,  an  object  of  art,  a  painted 
satin  ribbon,  etc.,  with  the  name  of  a  guest 
upon  it,  is  placed  by  each  person's  plate.  The 
menu  card — if  one  is  used — is  laid  beneath  it. 
Sometimes  the  meriii  is  highly  decorated  and 
made  prominent,  but  since  it  is  becoming  less 
fashionable,  because  less  refined  and  far  less 


DINNER  GIVING  AND  DINING  OUT.  127 


sensible,  to  provide  a  large  number  of  courses, 
even  for  a  ceremonious  dinner,  the  mejiu  is 
not  so  often  furnished  as  formerly,  and  it  is 
never  seen  at  a  dinner  for  eight  or  ten,  or  even 
twelve  persons. 

The  dinner  is  announced  by  the  butler,  who 
throws  open  the  doors  of  the  dining-room,  and 
bows  to  the  host,  who  is  alert  and  waiting,  with- 
out seeming  to  wait  for  this  silent  information. 

He  immediately  offers  his  left  arm  to  the 
lady  for  whom  this  honor  has  been  already  de- 
termined upon,  and  leads  the  way  to  the  dining- 
room.  He  places  her  at  his  right  hand.  Other 
gentlemen  and  ladies  follow,  the  hostess  being 
the  last,  and  she  asks  the  selected  gentleman  if 
he  will  take  her  in  to  dinner.  The  offering  of 
the  left  arm  on  this  one  occasion  had  its  origin 
in  feudal  times,  when  the  right  hand  was  kept 
free  for  handling  a  sword,  which  was  always 
worn  at  feasts,  and  it  has  survived  all  the  social 
changes  of  years,  and  is  likely  to  continue  in 
good  form  as  long  as  ladies  wear  trains,  which 
they  must  protect,  and  which  gentlemen  do  not 
like  to  tread  upon.  Unavailing  efforts  have  been 
9 


128 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


made  to  change  this  custom,  and  yet  there  is  no 
reason  why  it  should  not  remain  as  it  is,  except 
that  some  gentlemen  do  not  like  the  trouble  of 
remembering  that  this  special  courtesy  to  women 
asks  for  the  left,  while  all  other  assistance  to 
them  demands  the  right  arm.  Etiquette  insists 
upon  the  left,  and  that  should  be  reason  enough 
for  proffering  it. 

Each  pair  having  found  their  places,  the  lady 
at  the  right,  the  gentleman  arranges  her  chair, 
and  both  stand  until  the  hostess  is  seating  her- 
self, and  then  each  lady  guest  follows  her  ex- 
ample, and  the  gentlemen  do  the  same.  This 
is  done  as  quietly  as  possible,  because  nothing 
is  less  elegant  than  a  bustling  manner. 

If  there  be  an  equal  number  of  ladies  and 
gentlemen,  and  they  are  arranged  at  table  alter- 
nately, in  pairs,  the  host  and  hostess  can  not  sit 
exactly  opposite  to  each  other,  provided  the 
table  be  filled.  This  difference  in  the  vis-a-vis 
of  hostess  and  host  is  of  slight  consequence  when 
a  dinner  is  served  a  la  Riisse^  or  even  if  it  be 
not,  because  the  centers,  instead  of  the  ends,  of 
a  dining-table  are  usually  occupied  by  the  enter- 


DINNER  GIVING  AND  DINING  OUT.  129 


tainers.  Each  guest  accepts  whatever  is  served, 
and  eats  of  it,  or  at  least  seems  to  do  so,  and 
exhibits  an  appearance  of  enjoyment. 

It  is  a  proof  of  fine  breeding  to  seem  to  be 
happy,  whether  one  is  content  or  not.  We  have 
no  right  to  permit  our  mental  or  physical  tastes 
or  moods  to  depress  or  annoy  other  persons. 
Moods  should  be  our  own  secrets,  and,  if  we 
have  them  not  well  in  hand,  we  may  be  sure 
that  there  is  something  for  us  yet  to  attain  that 
we  can  not  afford  to  live  without,  and  that  is  a 
triumph  over  ourselves.  One  often  feels  the 
need  of  "  a  perfect  self-containedness  "  at  a  din- 
ner-table where  food  and  sentiments  may  not  be 
to  our  liking. 

If  wine  be  provided  and  the  guest  does  not 
approve  of  it,  a  private  table  is  not  a  suitable 
place  for  expressing  individual  convictions.  He 
may  receive  the  wine  in  the  different  glasses 
sparingly,  and  make  no  comment.  If  toasts  are 
drank,  he  will  lift  his  glass,  and  be  courteous. 
At  a  public  dinner,  the  freedom  of  the  occasion 
permits  a  noticeable  rejection  of  wines ;  but  to 
accept  private  hospitality  affords  no  liberty  of 


130 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


criticism  upon  the  conduct  of  the  host.  Both 
reproof  and  commendation  are  aHke  vulgar  and 
discourteous.  As  formal  dinners  are  now  served 
d,  la  Russe  entirely,  the  intellectual  entertain- 
ment is  less  difficult  of  management  than  when 
the  host  and  hostess  used  the  soup-ladle  and  the 
carving-knife.  The  fruits  and  nuts  being  a  part 
of  the  table  decoration,  and  already  picturesquely 
arranged,  the  feast  should  proceed  as  smoothly 
and  deliberately  as  did  a  familiar  minuet  in  our 
granddames'  salons.  The  hosts  have  really  noth- 
ing to  do  but  to  be  agreeable. 

When  the  dinner  is  over,  the  hostess  bows  to 
the  lady  at  the  right  of  the  host,  rises,  and  all 
rise  also.  The  gentleman  who  took  the  hostess 
to  dinner  goes  with  her  to  the  door,  and  stands 
there  until  all  the  ladies  have  passed  out,  when 
he  returns  to  the  table.  The  host  changes  his 
seat  and  places  himself  at  the  left  of  the  special 
guest,  and  the  others  group  about  them.  The 
wines  and  liqueurs,  also  cigars,  if  there  is  no 
smoking-room,  are  placed  by  the  host,  and  the 
servants  leave  the  room.  In  offering  wines,  etc., 
the  host  passes  them  to  the  left,  and  there  is  a 


DINNER  GIVING  AND  DINING  OUT.  131 

significance  in  this  courtesy  which  need  not  be 
explained.  Their  absence  from  the  drawing- 
room  is  not  a  prolonged  one.  Some  ladies  ob- 
ject to  this  separation  of  guests,  but  really  there 
are  reasons  for  it.  It  permits  an  easy  regroup- 
ing of  guests,  where  each  may  find  opportunity 
for  talking  with  a  chosen  friend,  their  pairing  at 
table  having  been  not  of  their  own  seeking. 

Coffee  is  sometimes  served  after  dessert,  and 
sometimes  it  is  brought  with  the  tea  into  the 
drawing-room  a  half  an  hour  or  less  after  the 
gentlemen  have  returned  to  it.  If  it  is  served 
here  it  is  placed  upon  a  table  with  the  tea-urn, 
and  the  hostess  or  her  daughter  sits  by  it  and 
turns  it  out,  and  the  gentlemen  hand  it  to  the 
seated  guests.  They  are  followed  by  a  servant 
with  sugar  and  cream,  and  a  small  carafe  of 
brandy,  also  wafers,  tiny  sandwiches  with  an- 
chovy or  pate  de  foie  gras  in  them,  etc. 

After  this  service  any  guest  may  take  leave 
if  he  have  engagements,  and  it  is  not  expected 
that  any  one  will  remain  after  eleven  o'clock. 
If  an  engagement  makes  a  very  early  going  im- 
perative, the  guest  mentions  it  to  the  hostess 


132 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


before  dinner,  and  there  is  no  leave  taking.  The 
departure  is  made  unobserved  if  possible.  The 
hostess,  who  is  familiar  with  the  best  usages  of 
society,  understands  unspoken  adieux^  and  she 
is  grateful  for  them.  Quiet  withdrawals  that  do 
not  suggest  the  departure  of  others  are  one  of 
our  many  pleasant  customs  taken  from  Parisian 
formalities. 

As  it  is  strict  etiquette  that  a  hostess  must 
pay  a  visit  to  each  of  her  proposed  guests  before 
she  sends  dinner  invitations  to  them — provided 
she  owes  them  calls — so  it  is  obligatory  that  each 
person  who  receives  a  request  to  dine,  whether 
accepted  or  declined,  must  make  a  call  upon  the 
hostess  within  ten  days,  except  when  grief  or 
illness  has  been  mentioned  as  the  reason  for 
sending  a  regret.  This  call  should,  if  possible, 
be  made  upon  the  hostess's  receiving  day,  or,  if 
not,  cards  must  be  left  in  person  with  their  ends 
folded  over. 

Dinners,  above  all  social  occasions  in  New 
York,  are  the  most  agreeable  opportunities  for 
fine  conversations,  and  a  display  of  brilliant 
wit.    The  woman  who  talks  well  is  forgiven 


DINNER  GIVING  AND  DINING  OUT.  133 


her  brightness  if  she  will  use  it  to  enliven  a 
feast. 

Brillat-Savarin,  the  most  intellectual  of  all 
dinner-discoursing  men,  not  only  invented  foods, 
but  dining  rules,  which  no  entertainer  can  afford 
to  be  ignorant  of.  Those  who  are  able  will  do 
well  to  put  them  in  use.  Indeed,  many  of  our 
hosts  have  already  applied  them  as  far  as  possi- 
ble. The  following  are  his  directions  for  giving 
an  agreeable  dinner  party  : 

"  Let  the  number  of  guests  not  exceed  twelve, 
so  that  the  conversation  may  be  constantly  gen- 
eral. 

"  Let  them  be  chosen  so  that  their  occupa- 
tions are  various,  their  tastes  analogous,  and  with 
such  points  of  contact  that  there  will  be  no  need 
for  the  odious  formality  of  introductions. 

"  Let  the  dining-room  be  brilliantly  lighted, 
the  cloth  spotless,  and  the  atmosphere  at  a  tem- 
perature of  from  sixty  to  sixty-eight  degrees  of 
Fahrenheit. 

"  Let  the  men  have  v/it  without  pretension, 
and  the  women  be  pleasant  without  being  co- 
quettes. 


134 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


"  Let  the  dishes  be  exceedingly  choice,  but 
small  in  number,  and  the  wines  of  the  first 
quality,  each  in  its  degree. 

*'  Let  the  order  of  serving  be  from  the  more 
substantial  dishes  to  those  that  are  lighter,  and 
from  the  simpler  wines  to  those  of  finer  flavor. 

"  Let  the  eating  proceed  without  hurry  or 
bustle,  since  the  dinner  is  the  last  business  of 
the  day  ;  and  let  the  guests  look  upon  them- 
selves as  travelers  about  to  reach  the  same  desti- 
nation together. 

Let  the  coffee  be  hot,  and  the  liqueurs 
chosen  with  particular  care. 

^'  Let  the  drawing-room  to  which  the  guests 
retire  be  large  enough  to  admit  of  a  game  of 
cards  for  those  who  can  not  do  without  it,  while 
leaving  ample  scope  for  after-dinner  chat. 

"  Let  the  guests  be  detained  by  the  social 
enjoyment,  and  animated  with  the  hope  that, 
before  the  evening  is  over,  there  is  still  some 
pleasure  in  store. 

Let  the  tea  be  not  too  strong,  the  toast 
artistically  buttered,  and  the  punch  skillfully 
made. 


DINNER  GIVING  AND  DINING  OUT.  135 


"  Let  everybody  leave  before  eleven  o'clock, 
and  everybody  be  in  bed  by  twelve." 

As  we  are  a  business  people,  gentlemen  with- 
out wives,  mothers,  or  sisters  to  carry  their  cards 
for  them,  are  permitted  by  the  strictest  approv- 
ing etiquette  to  send  them  by  post.  Of  course 
this  is  only  done  when  a  call  in  person,  or  by 
the  hand  of  a  relative,  is  impossible. 

Ladies  go  to  a  dinner-party  in  whatever  is 
considered  full  toilette  for  that  season,  and  the 
gentlemen  also.  Gloves  are  removed  after  being 
seated  at  the  table,  and  they  need  not  be  re- 
placed again  during  the  evening,  unless  there 
should  be  a  dance. 


XII. 


BREAKFASTS,  LUNCHEONS,   AND  SUPPERS. 

A  COMPLIMENTARY  and  formal  breakfast  is 
usually  given  by  a  Parisian  at  the  hours  which 
are  customary  for  this  meal  when  eaten  in  pri- 
vate by  fashionable  people.  The  time  varies 
only  slightly  in  different  elegant  establishments, 
vibrating  between  half-past  nine  and  eleven 
o'clock. 

Guests  to  an  exceedingly  formal  breakfast  in 
our  city  are  bidden  at  twelve,  but  really  social 
breakfasts,  such  as  are  often  extended  to  a 
stranger  in  town  whom  a  friend  desires  to  pre- 
sent to  his  or  her  own  immediate  associates,  is 
seldom  later  than  half-past  ten,  and  a  half-hour 
earlier  is  the  time  oftenest  mentioned.  Of 
course,  this  is  a  real  breakfast,  and  not  one  with 
at  least  two  private  luncheons  preceding  it. 

Eager  as  some  of  our  citizens  may  have  been 
to  follow  the  examples  of  nobly-born  foreign 


BREAKFASTS,  LUNCHEONS,  ETC.  137 


society,  when  it  came  to  deciding  upon  the  hour 
for  our  breakfasts  our  human  nature  revolted 
against  such  a  tormenting  postponement  of  this 
nominally  first  meal  of  the  day.  Not  but  that 
we  all  know  that  the  hospitality  called  a  break- 
fast, which  is  arranged  for  twelve  o'clock,  is 
simply  a  disarrangement  of  the  usual  order  of 
the  names  of  one's  meals,  and  possibly  a  reversal 
of  their  menu  also  ;  but  our  social  code  rejects 
English  etiquette  in  this  entertainment  most  de- 
cidedly. 

It  is  not  improbable  that  this  early  and  really 
charming  method  of  entertaining  a  friend  may 
become  a  movable  feast,  and  its  time  be  fixed  at 
a  still  earlier  hour.  Macaulay  said  :  Dinner- 
parties are  mere  formalities ;  but  you  invite  a 
man  to  breakfast  because  you  want  to  see  him ;  " 
but  then  Macaulay  really  belonged  to  the  no- 
bility of  letters  rather  than  to  that  rank  which 
lives  to  support  its  titles. 

Both  gentlemen  and  ladies  may  be  guests 
at  the  breakfast-table,  but  ladies  only  usually 
receive  invitations  to  a  luncheon-party.  The. 
breakfast  is  a  less  troublesome  entertainment, 


138 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


and  far  more  social  and  enjoyable  than  a  dinner. 
People  meet  before  the  occupations  of  the  day 
have  wearied  them,  or  its  pleasures  have  given 
birth  to  satiety,  that  most  appalling  of  grievances 
to  the  lady  or  gentleman  upon  whom  society 
makes  constant  demands.  Business  gentlemen 
can  enjoy  these  semi-early  gatherings  but  sel- 
dom ;  but  to  literary  persons,  and  to  men  of 
leisure,  they  are  as  convenient  to  attend  as  an 
evening-party  ;  and  possibly  to  the  former  they 
are  more  acceptable,  because  the  night-time  has 
become,  through  inherited  tastes  and  tenden- 
cies, the  too  common  hour  for  working  with  the 
brain. 

Invitations  to  a  breakfast,  unless  it  be  a 
grandly  important  mid-day  affair,  are  written, 
and  thus  need  not  be  issued  more  than  five  days 
in  advance  of  the  entertainment.  Indeed,  a 
breakfast  may  be  almost  impromptu,  and  not 
shock  the  social  dogmas  of  the  very  severest  of 
our  formalists. 

The  invitation  may  be  in  the  form  of  a 
friendly  note,  or  it  may  be  the  lady's  visiting- 
card  which  conveys  the  request,  if  this  be  en- 


BREAKFASTS,  LUNCHEONS,  ETC.  139 


graved  after  the  customary  form  prevailing  in 
New  York,  with  the  address  in  the  right-hand 
lower  corner,  and  the  ordinary  day  for  receiving 
callers  upon  the  left.  Below  the  lady's  name 
may  be  written  : 

BREAKFAST  AT  TEN  o'CLOCK, 
January  12th. 

If  another  than  the  usual  "at  home  "  day  be 
preferred,  an  ink  line  may  be  drawn  through  the 
engraved  day  of  the  week,  and  the  following 
form  is  written  upon  the  card  : 

BREAKFAST,   FRIDAY,   AT  TEN  o'CLOCK, 
January  12th. 

If  it  be  a  luncheon  the  form  is  the  same,  but 
the  hour  is  from  half-past  one  to  two  o'clock. 

Numbers  are  spelled  out  upon  a  card,  and 
figures  are  used  only  for  the  address. 

This  breakfast  should  never  be  elaborate, 
but  it  can  not  be  too  dainty  in  its  food,  or  in  the 
appointments  of  the  table.  The  best  of  every- 
thing, prepared  in  the  choicest  of  styles,  but 
nothing  heavy,  nor  excessive  in  quantity,  should 


140 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


be  provided.  Walking  costumes  are  worn  by 
both  gentlemen  and  ladies,  also  visiting-gloves, 
which  are  removed  after  being  seated  at  table. 
The  lady  lays  off  her  wraps,  but  not  her  bonnet, 
and  the  descent  from  the  dressing-room  and 
greetings  between  hostess  and  her  guests  are  just 
the  same  as  at  dinner.  If  it  be  a  large  break- 
fast or  luncheon,  and  gentlemen  are  guests,  a 
tray  with  cards,  upon  which  the  name  of  each 
is  written  with  that  of  the  lady  he  is  to  take  to 
the  table,  is  placed  in  the  hall.  He  picks  out 
his  own  card  and  seeks  the  lady  after  he  has 
greeted  the  hostess.  If  he  is  unacquainted  with 
her,  he  asks  the  hostess  to  present  him.  By  at- 
tending to  this  little  formality  he  makes  enter- 
taining easier  for  all.  If  there  are  more  ladies 
than  gentlemen,  each  is  informed  with  whom 
she  is  to  be  seated.  If  the  party  is  of  ladies 
only  they  follow  a  lady  leader,  and  find  their 
places  by  the  cards  which  are  laid  by  their 
plates.  If  the  host  is  present  he  conducts  the 
eldest  lady  or  the  one  entitled  to  the  highest 
consideration,  because  she  is  a  stranger,  a  re- 
stored invalid,  a  recent  bride,  or  who  for  any 


BREAKFASTS,  LUXCHEONS,  ETC,  141 


reason  which  is,  perhaps,  only  temporary,  the 
person  to  receive  this  mark  of  respect.  If  there 
is  no  host,  the  hostess  will  have  selected  some 
friend  to  be  her  vis-a-vis,  and  lead  the  way  with 
the  guest  selected,  and  she  follows  last  with  the 
person  whom  she  is  to  honor  by  a  seat  at  her 
right. 

The  food  is  served  from  the  side-board  or 
upon  the  table,  in  courses  according  to  taste,  or 
perhaps  convenience. 

The  only  difference  between  the  formalities 
of  serving  a  breakfast  or  luncheon  and  a  dinner 
is  that  the  coffee,  chocolate,  and  tea  are  grouped 
about  the  hostess,  and  turned  by  her  own  hand 
for  the  first,  but  not  for  the  two  last,  and  the 
courses  are  more  delicate  and  fewer  in  number. 

Guests  depart  within  half  an  hour  after  leav- 
ing the  breakfast  or  luncheon  table,  unless  music 
follows.  Calls  of  formality  are  not  expected 
after  a  breakfast  or  luncheon  that  is  given  in  a 
simple  fashion,  but  they  must  follow  grand  and 
ceremonious  ones.  The  latter  demand  hand- 
some carriage  toilettes,  with  evening  bonnets  for 
the  ladies,  and  dark  frock-coats  and  vests,  with 


142 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


light  trowsers,  neckties,  and  gloves,  for  the  gen- 
tlemen. 

The  small  luncheon  of  from  eight  to  twenty 
is  conducted  in  the  same  style  as  the  breakfast, 
but  the  very  large  one,  with  from  thirty  to  sixty 
guests,  is  arranged  for  both  drawing  and  dining 
rooms,  where  small  tables,  for  four  persons  each 
— parties  carree — are  carefully  grouped  for  social 
enjoyments.  Sometimes  very  large  luncheons 
are  given  to  meet  a  lady  of  note,  or  to  introduce 
a  stranger,  in  which  case  they  are  called  pro- 
gressive luncheons. 

Guests  reply  to  the  invitation  immediately, 
and  the  hostess  gives  her  orders  to  the  caterer 
to  supply  the  little  tables,  small  chairs,  and  the 
luncheon,  for  a  fixed  number  of  persons,  she  of 
course  deciding  what  shall  be  upon  the  bill  of 
fare.  The  guests  present  themselves  in  hand- 
some visiting  toilettes,  and  are  in  their  bon- 
nets. They  remove  their  gloves  at  table.  Sev- 
eral diagrams  of  the  tables  and  their  places, 
with  the  names  of  the  guests  upon  them,  are 
placed  in  the  dressing-roorn,  so  that  each  guest 
may  easily  find  her  own  location.     They  are 


BREAKfASTS,  LUNCHEONS,  ETC.  143 


received  by  the  hostess  and  presented  to  her 
friend  or  friends  in  a  library  or  other  reception 
room,  where  they  wait  for  the  announcement  of 
luncheon.  The  guest  of  honor,  if  there  is  one, 
is  seated  at  a  table  near  the  center,  and  between 
courses  two  of  the  ladies  who  are  seated  at  the 
table  with  her  and  the  hostess  rise  and  exchange 
seats  with  others  whose  names  the  hostess  men- 
tions to  them.  This  change  is  made  several 
times  during  the  entertainment.  Ladies  at  other 
tables  also  exchange  places  if  they  like  during 
the  removal  of  plates,  each  one  carrying  her 
napkin  with  her. 

This  style  of  luncheon  is  in  high  favor  with 
those  who  entertain  extensively,  and,  if  expense 
is  of  small  consideration,  it  is  an  easy  and  cer- 
tainly a  most  agreeable  method  of  being  hos- 
pitable. Of  course,  after-calls  within  ten  days 
are  obligatory. 

Suppers  are  oftener  for  gentlemen  than  for 
ladies  and  gentlemen,  and  ten  or  eleven  o'clock 
is  the  usual  time  for  serving  them.  There  are 
game  suppers,  fish  suppers,  wine  suppers,  and 
champagne  suppers,  each  one  of  which  differs  in 

lO 


144 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


the  appropriate  supplies  for  the  table.  But  the 
formalities  of  the  occasion,  or,  rather,  the  infor- 
malities, are  all  of  the  same  kind.  The  invita- 
tions may  be  made  at  interviews,  by  friendly 
notes,  or  by  the  host's  visiting-card,  with 

Supper  at  ten  o'clock, 
Saturday,  January  20th, 

written  upon  it. 

If  it  is  a  fish  supper,  only  a  little  food  ex- 
cept that  which  once  lived  in  the  water  is  pro- 
vided ;  salads  and  fruits,  without  a  sweet  des- 
sert, complete  it,  with  the  additions  of  coffee 
and  such  wines  as  the  host  chooses  for  his 
guests. 

A  game  supper  is  confined  almost  strictly  to 
wild  fowl,  with  wines  and  coffee  ;  but  the  dessert 
may  be  pastry,  creams,  and  bonbons. 

A  wine  or  champagne  supper  is  made  up  of  a 
variety  of  luxuries,  and  differs  from  the  dinner 
only  in  the  cold  fillets  of  game,  boned  turkey, 
spiced  fish,  etc.,  instead  of  meats  that  are  all 
hot.  The  dessert  is  of  various  rich  compounds, 
that  are  delightful  to  the  palate  of  the  epicure, 


BREAKFASTS,  LUNCHEONS,  ETC.  145 


but  which  mean  heaviness  and  headache  in  the 
morning. 

One  or  two  o'clock  finds  the  party  dispersed. 
They  are  usually  called  "  bachelor  suppers,"  but 
why  this  name  is  provided  for  this  feast  it  is 
difficult  to  determine,  because  the  most  excel- 
lent and  really  wonderful  suppers  of  this  sort  are 
sometimes  given  by  married  gentlemen. 


XIII. 


OPERA    AND    THEATRE    PARTIES,    PRIVATE  THE- 
ATRICALS AND  MUSICALES. 

Opera  and  theatre  parties  are  among  the 
delights  of  the  fortunate,  and  they  are  common 
with  rich  families,  although  they  are  more  fre- 
quently given  by  bachelors,  who  have  no  well- 
equipped  homes  to  which  they  can  invite  guests, 
and  thus  cancel  some  of  their  many  social  obli- 
gations. 

If  one  of  these  costly  entertainments  is  to 
be  given  by  an  unmarried  man,  he  first  secures 
an  acceptable  chaperon  for  the  young  ladies  of  his 
proposed  party.  If  she  be  his  own  kinswoman, 
all  the  better  for  the  harmony  of  the  affair. 
This  selection  spares  him  the  unpleasant  per- 
plexity of  choosing  from  among  the  mammas 
of  his  young  lady  guests.  He  proffers  his  invi- 
tations in  person,  or  by  note,  soliciting  first  the 
consent  of  the  mother  that  her  daughter  may 


OPERA  AND  THEATRE  PARTIES.  147 


be  his  guest  for  the  evening,  at  the  same  time 
mentioning  what  married  lady  will  accompany 
them,  and  also  furnishing  the  names  of  the 
gentlemen  who  are  invited  to  be  present. 

If  a  dinner  precedes  the  theatre  or  opera — 
which,  by  the  way,  is  an  excess  of  generosity — 
it  is  usually  given  in  a  private  room  of  some 
hotel  or  restaurant,  or,  perhaps,  at  the  house  of 
a  friend,  after  an  English  fashion. 

The  usual  dinner  formalities  {see  "  Dinner 
Giving  and  Dining  Out ")  are  followed,  the 
matron  of  the  party,  of  course,  acting  as  hostess. 
The  lady-guests,  if  not  accom^panied  by  father 
or  brother,  are  usually  attended  by  a  waiting- 
woman,  who  may  return  home  in  the  carriage 
to  come  back  again  for  her  mistress  at  the 
hour  appointed,  which  is  likely  to  be  half-past 
twelve. 

The  dinner  hour  is  usually  six  o'clock  for 
this  style  of  party.  Retiring  from  the  table  the 
party  proceeds  to  the  opera  in  carriages  or  a 
carry-all  furnished  by  the  host.  Boxes  have 
necessarily  been  secured,  because  the  party  is 
in  full  dress  for  the  dinner. 


148 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


After  the  amusement,  the  guests  return  to 
the  banqueting-room  for  slight  refreshments, 
and  then  they  separate,  a  gentleman  accom- 
panying each  young  lady,  provided  only  her 
waiting-woman  calls  for  her  with  her  carriage. 
If  her  father  or  a  kinsman  comes  for  her,  the 
gentleman  who  has  been  her  attendant  during 
the  evening  escorts  her  to  her  conveyance. 
He  calls  upon  her  within  three  days  to  inquire 
after  her  health,  or  he  leaves  his  card,  provided 
a  visit  be  impossible  to  him. 

The  bachelor  host  is  compelled,  by  the  laws 
of  our  best  society,  to  pay  his  respects  and  re- 
turn thanks  to  mother  and  daughter  within  a 
week,  for  the  honor  and  pleasure  he  has  re- 
ceived. The  young  ladies  pay  an  early  visit  of 
thanks  to  the  friend  who  so  kindly  chaperoned 
them. 

A  less  elaborate,  but  scarcely  less  formal, 
affair  is  the  opera  or  theatre  party  which  in- 
cludes only  an  after-supper.  In  this  instance 
the  host  calls  upon  his  anticipated  guests,  and, 
after  receiving  an  acceptance  of  his  invitation 
(which  must  also  include  a  gentleman  member 


OPERA  AND  THEATRE  PARTIES.  149 

of  the  family,  or  a  near  kinsman  of  the  young 
lady,  or  an  elderly  lady),  he  leaves  entrance- 
tickets,  and  the  party  meets  at  the  place  of  en- 
tertainment. If  the  invited  guests  do  not  keep 
carriages,  the  host  may  send  them,  if  he  chooses^ 
but  this  is  not  strict  etiquette.  In  some  in- 
stances a  private  omnibus  is  sent  out  to  col- 
lect the  guests. 

After  the  amusement,  the  party  is  conveyed 
to  a  fashionable  restaurant,  or  to  the  house  of 
a  friend,  where  a  supper  is  in  waiting.  The 
host  arranges  for  escorts  to  the  table,  and  af- 
terward it  is  not  uncommon  to  dance  a  little 
while,  if  the  house  or  room  is  private,  and  a 
piano  is  sufficient  for  the  music.  The  chaper- 
ons of  the  party  decide  when  it  is  proper  to 
go  home.  (For  other  particulars  see  chapter 
upon  Chaperons). 

The  latter  style  of  opera  or  theatre  party  is 
by  far  the  most  popular  of  the  time,  and  is,  of 
course,  less  expensive  and  troublesome  to  both 
host  and  guests.  The  more  elaborate  formali- 
ties, as  was  suggested,  are  only  provided  by  the 
very  rich,  and  mothers  of  refined  daughters  do 


150 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


not  encourage  ostentation.  The  usages  for 
these  costly  pleasures  are  furnished  only  be- 
cause an  account  of  the  etiquette  of  New  York 
would  be  incomplete  without  them. 

In  the  least  elaborate  of  the  two  forms,  the 
young  ladies  are  expected  to  be  as  rigorously 
attentive  to  the  duty  they  owe  to  their  chaper- 
on as  if  there  had  been  a  ceremonious  dinner  ; 
and  the  host  will  as  carefully  follow  the  proper 
custom  of  calling  early  upon  the  families  of  each 
of  his  guests  as  if  he  had  given  a  banquet  in- 
stead of  a  supper. 

As  club  life  among  gentlemen  tends  more 
and  more  to  postpone  marriage,  this  method  of 
entertaining  is  likely  to  increase  in  our  city.  Of 
course  there  is  no  objection  to  the  custom  of 
opera  and  theatre  parties  in  their  most  refined 
forms  and  usages  ;  but  an  hotel  dinner  and 
supper  lack  the  charm  which  domestic  hospi- 
tality should  hold  for  oar  highly-bred  people 
Of  course  this  plan  diminishes  the  care  which 
entertaining  is  likely  to  bring  to  the  dinner- 
giving  host  and  hostess,  and  it  does  not  greatly 
increase  the  expenses  of  canceling  social  obli- 


OPERA  AND  THEATRE  PARTIES.  151 


gations.  Eight,  ten,  or  twelve  guests  are  the 
customary  numbers  invited  to  such  a  festivity, 
the  smallness  of  the  circle  or  coterie  adding 
much  to  its  delights. 

If  these  parties  are  given  by  a  lady  in  her  own 
home,  the  invitations  are  issued  by  informal 
notes  in  her  own  name,  and  the  dinner  almost 
invariably  precedes  the  public  amusement.  Af- 
ter the  opera  or  theatre,  it  is  proper  for  her  to 
invite  her  guests  to  a  restaurant  for  a  light  re- 
freshment, but  she  oftener  than  otherwise  begs 
them  to  return  to  her  own  residence,  where  a 
dainty  supper  awaits  them.  A  lady-guest  may, 
however,  excuse  herself  from  this  after-part  of 
the  hospitality  if  she  pleases,  and  not  give  of- 
fense.   Party  calls  follow  in  the  usual  manner. 

If  private  theatricals  or  music  is  to  be  a  part 
or  all  of  the  entertainment  at  a  gentleman's  resi- 
dence, the  word  theatricals.,  or  fnusicale^  is  written 
upon  the  left  lower  part  of  the  card  of  invita- 
tion. If  the  pleasure  be  accepted,  a  prompt 
attendance  is  compulsory. 

The  music  is  selected  and  rehearsed,  even 
though  by  professionals,  and  it  is  all  the  more 


152 


SOCIAL  ETIQL'ETTE. 


needful  for  amateurs.  The  programme  for  the 
latter  is  written  out,  tied  by  a  ribbon,  and  each 
guest  receives  one  upon  entering  the  room. 
Sometimes  the  programmes  are  illuminated  by 
the  hand  of  the  hostess,  or  she  employs  some 
deft  person  to  do  it  for  her.  If  it  is  a  grand 
musicale,  with  professional  performers  and  sing- 
ers, the  list  of  artists  and  their  numbers  should 
be  printed  in  colors,  or  in  gold  or  silver.  The- 
atricals always  have  a  printed  programme. 

Camp-chairs  must  be  arranged,  and,  if  danc- 
ing is  to  follow,  a  linen  cover  may  be  stretched 
over  the  carpet.  Each  guest  will  be  as  punctual 
as  if  for  a  public  amusement.  After  the  music 
or  play  is  finished  a  servant  speedily  and  quiet- 
ly removes  the  folding-chairs.  The  supper  is 
served,  or  refreshments  are  passed,  and  a  dance 
or  conversation  completes  the  evening.  Some- 
times dancing  is  an  important  part  of  the  hos- 
pitality, in  which  case  it  is  written  or  engraved 
across  the  invitation  thus  : 

THEATRICALS  AT  HALF-PAST  EIGHT  O'CLOCK. 
Dancing  at  eleven. 

If  the  company  is  desired  to  wear  fancy 


OPERA  AND  THEATRE  PARTIES.  153 

dress,  or  be  masked,  the  words  fancy  dress,  or 
hal  masqiie\  may  be  written  at  the  usual  left 
lower  side. 

This  announcement  may  be  engraved  if  the 
party  is  to  be  an  elaborate  one,  and  its  amusements 
may  be  prominently  stated  in  a  line  of  their  own, 
extending  through  the  center  of  the  invitation. 

A  character,  or  author's  party,  is  one  of  our 
latest  favorites.  The  name  of  the  author  from 
whom  the  characters  are  to  be  selected  is  en- 
graved or  written  upon  the  card  of  invitation. 
After  the  host  and  hostess's  names,  and  the 
usual  request,  it  is  customary  to  add  : 

In  character  from  "  Waverley" 

or  from  any  other  author  whose  heroes  and 
heroines  are  familiar  to  general  society,  such 
as  Dickens,  Bulwer,  etc.  Invitations  to  a  char- 
acter party  should  be  issued  from  three  to  four 
weeks  in  advance,  to  give  ample  time  for  re- 
freshing the  memory  and  preparing  costumes.  If 
the  courtesy  be  accepted,  it  is  rude  to  appear  at 
the  party  in  any  other  than  a  fitting  character 
and  costume,  according  to  the  host's  desire. 


XIV. 

ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS. 

However  hostile  the  aggressively  independ- 
ent American  may  be  to  conventionalities  of  all 
sorts,  and  deeply  as  his  scorn  of  etiquette  may 
have  been  planted  and  rooted,  and  vigorous  as 
may  be  its  present  growths,  marriages  can  not  be 
conducted  without  at  least  some  little  ceremony. 
There  are  formalities  which  can  not  be  escaped 
at  weddings.  Even  at  that  simplest  of  services? 
a  marriage  between  Quakers,  the  witnesses  are 
compelled  to  sit  in  silence — that  most  awful  of 
conventionalities  to  the  person  who  abhors  eti- 
quette and  ceremony — until  one  or  the  other  of 
the  two  aspirants  for  a  wedded  life  is  moved  by 
the  spirit  within  to  announce  this  intention 
audibly. 

The  law  enforces  a  ceremony,  and  the  gently- 
bred  have  thrown  about  this  unpicturesque  but 
jurisprudential  formality  certain  beautiful  and 


ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS, 


155 


refined  customs,  which,  with  harmonious  varia- 
tions, have  been  adopted  by,  and  into,  our  best 
society.  As  the  dress  of  the  youthful  bride  is 
white,  an  artistic  variation  of  the  fashion  of  it 
is  admissible,  and  even  agreeable,  but  no  one 
would  mistake  it  for  a  garment  intended  for 
another  festivity.  Etiquette  has,  in  the  same 
spirit  of  liberality,  established  a  formula  for  the 
celebration  of  marriages,  and  each  bridal  pair 
endeavors  to  vary  and  beautify  these  ceremoni- 
als by  an  individual  and  poetic  charm,  without 
really  departing  from  those  customs  which  time 
and  long  establishment  have  made  venerable 
and  impressive. 

The  announcement  of  an  engagement  of 
marriage  has  no  rigid  formality  in  New  York, 
and  yet  a  betrothal  is  made  known  to  the  friends 
of  the  promised  pair  in  some  pleasant  manner. 
Sometimes  a  dinner-party  is  given  by  the  family 
of  the  bride-elect,  or  it  may  be  enjoyed  at  the 
home  of  the  groom  (when  the  bride  and  her 
immediate  family  must  be  present),  and  the  host 
announces  the  agreeable  intelligence  just  be- 
fore rising  from  the  feast,  when  a  general  out- 


156 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


burst  of  good  feeling  and  congratulation  takes 
place. 

Good-natured  gossip  does  the  rest  for  the 
social  circle  of  both  the  gentleman  and  lady 
most  interested.  Congratulations  by  note 
speedily  follow,  also  the  sending  of  flowers  to 
the  lady,  calls,  etc. 

Sometimes  it  is  done  by  note  from  the  mother 
of  the  bride,  or  from  the  bride  herself  to  her 
very  intimate  friends.  The  groom  does  her 
same  by  his  near  and  dear  associates.  Of  course 
these  notes  receive  immediate  responses. 

Among  families  who  entertain  generously, 
dinner,  or  evening  parties  for  dancing,  or  for 
opera-going,  are  given  to  the  engaged  couple  by 
their  friends,  and  the  plighted  pair  appear  to- 
gether and  receive  congratulations. 

The  friends  of  the  bride  call  upon  her,  or 
leave  cards,  and,  as  an  announcement  of  an 
engagement  is  made  at  no  great  distance  from 
the  date  fixed  for  the  marriage,  the  bride  does 
not  pay  ceremonious  visits  in  the  interval.  It 
is  customary,  however,  for  her  to  leave  her  last 
visiting-card  in  person  at   the    doors  of  her 


ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS. 


157 


friends'  residences  at  the  time,  or  just  before, 
her  wedding  invitations  are  distributed  ;  but  she 
does  not  enter,  except  it  be  to  visit  an  invalid  or 
an  aged  friend. 

This  last  distribution  of  a  proof  of  her  re- 
membrance is  almost  like  a  memorial,  because 
the  bride  will  not  again  use  the  name  of  her 
own  family.  Consequently  this  call  before  mar- 
riage is  one  of  strict  etiquette,  which  she  can  not 
well  escape. 

Her  wedding-cards  are  sent  out  at  least  fif- 
teen days  before  the  ceremony  is  to  take  place, 
and  oftener  much  earlier.  Invitations  to  remote 
places  are  forwarded  sooner,  so  that  parties  who 
propose  to  be  present  can  arrange  to  make  the 
journey. 

The  invitations  to  the  marriage  -  ceremony 
are  sent  in  the  name  of  the  bride's  father  and 
mother,  or  of  one  alone  if  one  only  be  living. 
If  the  bride  stands  in  other  relationship,  like 
that  of  ward,  niece,  granddaughter,  cousin,  or 
simply  friend,  to  the  persons  or  person  issuing 
the  invitation,  the  fact  of  this  relation  is  noted 
in  the  formula  in  place  of  the  word  "  daughter." 


158 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


Accompanying  the  engraved  note  is  a  card 
of  invitation  to  the  breakfast  or  reception  for 
such  persons  as  are  entitled  to  be  bidden  to 
partake  of  the  festivities.  Very  handsome 
church  weddings  are  often  carefully  guarded 
by  the  master  of  ceremonies,  and  no  one  can 
enter  the  church  without  showing  cards  of  ad- 
mission. 

As  a  place  of  worship,  of  course  a  church 
should  be  open  to  all ;  but  liberties  which  appear 
to  be  proper  are  not  upon  all  occasions  agree- 
able in  their  consequences.  Without  these  tick- 
ets of  admission,  the  gentleman  in  charge  of  the 
ceremonials  could  not  distinguish  the  plainly- 
costumed  friends  and  acquaintances  of  the 
bridal  party  from  that  eager  and  idle  rabble 
which  would  otherwise  crowd  the  church,  just 
for  the  satisfaction  of  looking  upon  that  never 
tiresome  spectacle — two  persons  who  have  come 
together  to  show  publicly  that  they  fully  believe 
they  were  created  to  enjoy  each  other's  society 
for  ever  and  ever. 

These  tickets  of  admission  are  unwillingly 
used  ;  but  experience  in  New  York  has  proved 


ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS.  159 


that  there  are  weddings  at  which  they  are  an 
unpleasant  necessity. 

One  or  more  of  these  cards  is  also  enclosed 
in  the  envelopes  which  cover  the  ceremonial 
invitation  and  the  reception-card.  They  are 
intended  for  distribution  to  personal  friends  of 
the  invited,  and  also  for  the  use  of  servants  who 
accompany  guests  to  the  church. 

Friends  who  wear  mourning  costumes  usually 
enter  the  church  by  these  cards,  quietly  and 
early,  and  hide  themselves  in  the  crowd  to 
escape  the  eyes  of  the  bridal  pair.  Pleasant 
omens  are  not  suggested,  by  those  who  are  sup- 
posed to  be  wise  in  these  prophetic  phenomena, 
by  one  coming  to  us  dressed  in  crape.  Hence 
this  delicate  custom  among  the  sorrowing,  of 
absenting  themselves  from  the  festal  part  of 
weddings,  and  also  of  making  themselves  in- 
visible to  the  marriage-party  while  they  are 
present  in  church  to  join  in  the  prayerful  cere- 
mony of  the  hour. 

Invitations  to  weddings  are  now  engraved 

upon  one  sheet  of  paper,  the  separate  cards  of 

the  bride  and  of  the  groom  being  seldom  in 
II 


160 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


use.  The  following  form  is  preferred  for  the 
engraving,  which  is  plain  script.  The  paper 
is  thick,  fine,  and  shaped  so  as  to  fold  once. 
If  cipher,  monogram,  or  crest  of  the  bride's 
family  be  used  upon  the  paper,  it  should  not 
be  printed  in  color  for  weddings,  and  the  center 
of  the  top  of  the  page  is  the  proper  position 
for  it. 

MR.   AND  MRS.   HOWARD  MORTIMER 
request  your  presence 
at  the  marriage  of  their  daughter^ 

Matilde  Alice, 

to 

Mr.  Alexis  Stafford  Carlton, 

on  Tuesday  morning,  Septeyjiber  tenth,  iSyS^ 
at  eleven  o'clock. 
St.  John's  Cathedral, 
New  York. 

(The  word  presence,  instead  of  company,  is 
rather  the  more  dignified  and  impressive,  but 
the  latter  is  frequently  used.) 

For  such  as  are  really  friends  of  the  party 
most  interested  in  the  marriage,  another  card  is 
inclosed  with  the  above. 


ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS.  161 

The  foilowing  is  the  form  of  invitation  to 
the  reception  : 

MR.  AND  MRS.  HOWARD  MORTIMER 
AT  HOME, 
Tuesday  moaning,  September  tenths 
from  half-past  eleven  tmtil  four  o'clock. 

59  West  Lombard  Street. 

The  admission-card  is  narrow  and  long,  and 
bears  the  following  formula,  neatly  and  plainly 
engraved  in  script : 

ST.  JOHJSr'S  CATHEDRAL. 
Ceremony  at  eleven  o'clock. 

The  order  of  the  religious  part  of  the  marriage- 
ceremony  is  fixed  by  the  church  in  which  it 
occurs;  but  there  are  pleasant  picturesque  ef- 
fects, and  agreeable  and  significant  surprises 
that  may  be  added  to  the  old-fashioned,  staid 
regulations.  These  added  attractions  establish 
in  the  minds  of  those  present  a  distinct  remem- 
brance of  an  event  that  should  alv/ays  remain  a 
pleasant  memory.  Refined  taste  and  a  careful 
arrangement  and  understanding  of  the  details 


162 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


of  these  things  are  a  decided  necessity,  and  of 
course  rehearsals  are  required. 

The  customs  of  a  community  change  so  grad- 
ually that  one  is  scarce  conscious  of  a  difference 
in  its  social  forms  until  a  transformation  is  wholly 
completed.  During  many  years  it  was  an  Ameri- 
can usage  for  bridegrooms  to  select  a  retinue  of 
young  gentlemen  who  should  equal  in  number  the 
maids  who  attended  the  bride.  These  friends 
served  as  cavaliers  for  the  waiting  maidens,  and 
also  as  somber  backgrounds  for  the  toilets  of 
fairer  creatures  than  themselves.  Besides  the 
eagerness  which  is  expressed  by  our  social  lead- 
ers to  follow  British  examples  whenever  it  be 
possible  in  a  republic — perhaps  only  to  prove  to 
them  that  we  have  forgotten  that  it  was  once  the 
fervent  desire  of  England  to  direct  us  in  these 
very  matters  along  with  others  of  more  vital  im- 
portance— there  are  several  serious  reasons  why 
the  groom  should  now  invite  but  one  gentleman 
to  attend  him  during  this  important  observance. 

These  reasons,  less  romantic  than  practical, 
will  suggest  themselves  to  marrying  maids  and 
men,  without  our  mentioning  them  in  this  chap- 


ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS.  163 


ter.  Accordingly,  the  bridegroom  of  to-day  sim- 
plifies his  individual  part  in  the  marriage  pageant 
by  choosing  a  single  friend,  whom  he  calls  his 
"best  man,"  to  attend  upon  him  during  this  se- 
rious transition.  This  is  an  English  title,  and 
also  an  English  custom,  which  is  altogether  sen- 
sible and  convenient.  The  "  best  man  "  arranges 
the  business  and  social  formalities  of  the  wedding, 
thereby  leaving  the  husband-elect  to  enjoy  or  to 
endure  all  the  tranquillities  that  are  possible  to 
him  during  the  celebration  of  his  marriage.  From 
among  the  ushers,  all  of  whom  are  selected  by  the 
bride,  one  is  chosen  to  be  master  of  the  ceremonies. 
He  is  early  at  the  church,  because  the  spectacle  of 
an  awning  and  carpet  is  certain  to  attract  the  idle, 
who  are  always  eager  to  look  upon  a  pretty  spec- 
tacle of  any  kind,  and  especially  upon  a  wedding. 

Having  been  made  acquainted  with  the  num- 
ber of  guests  expected  to  be  present  at  the 
church,  he  calculates  the  space  they  will  occupy 
and  places  the  ribbon  or  the  arch  of  flowers 
across  the  aisle  far  enough  back  from  the  altar 
to  give  them  ample  room,  remembering  that  a 
lady  in  full  toilet  does  not  feel  too  amiable  when 


164 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


she  is  crushed  into  narrow  spaces.  He  sees  that 
the  organist  is  present,  and  that  his  programme 
of  compositions  is  properly  arranged.  The  kneel- 
ing-stool,  which  should  be  covered  with  white, 
should  also  be  looked  at  and  properly  adjusted, 
and  then  all  the  ushers  take  their  places,  to  be  in 
readiness  to  escort  ladies  to  their  proper  seats. 
The  usher  offers  a  lady  his  right  arm,  and  if  un- 
acquainted with  her,  inquires  if  she  be  a  friend 
of  the  bride  or  groom.  If  of  the  bride,  he  places 
her  in  a  seat  upon  the  left,  and,  if  of  the  groom, 
upon  the  right  side  of  the  main  aisle.  If  the  lady 
guest  be  attended  by  a  gentleman  he  follows  her 
to  her  seat.  Ushers  are  usually  acquainted  with 
the  two  families,  and  understand  where  to  place 
the  nearer  and  where  the  remoter  kinspeople  of 
the  bridal  party.  This  arrangement  disposes  the 
father  or  guardian  of  the  bride  at  the  proper 
place  during  and  after  the  ceremony. 

When  the  bride  and  her  attendants  have  ar- 
rived and  arranged  themselves  in  the  vestibule, 
the  groom  and  ^'best  man"  come  forth  from  the 
vestry  and  wait  at  the  altar,  the  organ  meantime 
playing  softly  some  melody  that  was  chosen  by 


ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDTXGS.  165 

the  bride.  Usually  the  ushers  walk  in  pairs  in 
advance  of  the  ladies,  and  arrange  themselves  at 
the  right  of  the  two  awaiting  gentlemen,  whose 
faces  are  turned  toward  the  advancing  bride. 

Sometimes  the  bridemaids  precede  and  some- 
times they  follow  the  bride,  and  always  stand  at 
her  left  side.  These  arrangements  of  preced- 
ence, or  the  contrary,  are  permitted  to  be  mat- 
ters of  individual  preference.  If  the  maids  pre- 
cede her,  two  or  four  little  boys,  costumed  as 
pages,  may  follow  her  to  bear  her  train,  or  per- 
haps to  carry  baskets  of  flowers,  which  they  scat- 
ter in  her  path  as  she  leaves  the  church.  To  do 
this  they  must  precede  her  when  going  out.  If 
the  maids  follow  the  bride,  sometimes  she  is  pre- 
ceded by  two  or  four  little  girls,  who  strew  her 
path  to  the  altar  with  blossom.s. 

The  bride,  in  white,  is  ornamented  with  nat- 
ural flowers,  which  may  be  of  any  variety  that 
charms  her,  the  orange-blossom  being  no  longer 
a  requisite  of  the  ceremony.  She  is  veiled,  and 
leans  upon  the  arm  of  whoever  is  nearest  by  kin 
or  affiliation  to  her,  and  who  is  to  give  her  away. 

The  bridemaids  dress  in  delicate  colors,  wear 


166 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


no  train,  and  the  fabrics  of  their  costumes  are 
far  less  grand  than  the  one  which  robes  the  bride. 
It  is  considered  in  bad  form  for  the  bridemaids 
to  array  themselves  otherwise  than  simply,  but 
prettily  and  becomingly.  Hats  that  are  pictu- 
resque and  perhape  historic  in  style,  or  bonnets 
with  short  w^hite  tulle  veils,  are  worn  by  them. 
They  carry  baskets  or  fans  of  flowers,  and  these 
may  be  of  as  diverse  tints  as  their  complexions 
will  permit,  but  the  fashioning  of  their  dresses  is 
limited  by  the  styles  of  one  period,  if  not  historic. 

It  is  not  uncommon  at  present  for  the  la- 
dies of  bridal  parties  to  copy  a  notable  picture 
by  their  garments  and  coiffures,  and  the  effect 
is  usually  charming.  The  ceremony  would  be 
greatly  beautified  in  such  instances  if  the  gentle- 
men would  also  copy  the  same  picture  by  their 
own  vestments. 

If  the  wedding  is  by  day,  the  gentlemen  wear 
a  morning  dress,  which  consists  of  dark  coat  and 
vest,  and  light  trousers,  with  a  white  necktie. 
The  groom  may  wear  light  but  not  white  gloves, 
or  he  may  be  gloveless  if  he  chooses  to  take  ad- 
vantage of  late  English  examples  in  high  life.  If 


ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS.  167 

the  ceremony  takes  place  in  the  evening,  full 
dress  is  demanded  of  him,  and,  of  course,  of  all 
the  gentlemen. 

The  bride  often  carries  a  prayer-book,  which 
is  sumptuously  bound,  and  is  usually  a  gift  from 
a  dear  friend  ;  also  a  boquet  or  fan  of  lilies-of- 
the-valley,  white  carnations,  or  other  blossoms 
that  are  delicate  and  suggestive  of  a  sentiment 
suited  to  the  occasion. 

The  ring  is  a  customary  part  of  the  marriage 
service,  few  churches  rejecting  this  symbol,  which 
is  so  significant  of  an  unending  compact.  In  the 
older  countries,  and  especially  among  the  Ger- 
mans, a  plain  gold  ring  with  date  and  inscription 
is  given  to  the  woman  as  a  sign  of  betrothal,  and 
the  same  ring  is  again  used  at  the  marriage  cere- 
mony, after  which  a  jeweled  ring  is  added  to 
guard  that  more  precious  one  which  was  used  as 
a  seal,  and  is  to  be  worn  always  as  a  sign  of  con- 
firmation to  earlier  but  equally  solemn  promises. 

This  is  a  poetic  and  beautiful  formality,  that 
is  likely  to  become  a  general  custom.  The  size 
of  the  diamond  of  betrothal  having  been  too 
often  accepted  as  a  measurement  of  the  bride- 


168 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


groom's  fortune,  it  is  ceasing  to  be  an  agreeable 
symbol  to  young  ladies  of  refined  fiber  and  deli- 
cate sentiments.  Those  who  still  cling  to  the 
custom  of  placing  a  jewel  upon  the  hand  of  a 
fiancee  are  extremely  careful  to  choose  a  flawless 
diamond,  no  matter  how  small  it  may  be.  There 
is  a  haunting  superstition  about  the  perfection  of 
this  symbol  that  is  not  without  its  uses.  It  is  at 
least  an  evidence  of  the  giver's  sincerities. 

The  bride  and  groom  kneel  a  moment  in 
silent  devotion,  while  the  organ  repeats  its  beau- 
tiful inarticulations.  They  rise,  the  ceremony 
proceeds,  and  after  the  clerical  blessing  the  cler- 
gyman congratulates  the  husband  and  wife,  but 
he  does  not  kiss  the  lady,  as  was  once  the  cus- 
tom. Indeed,  kissing  in  public  is  no  longer  per- 
missible in  good  society,  and  a  reserved  and 
refined  womanhood  has  been  long  in  rebellion 
against  this  usage  without  having  abolished  it 
until  quite  recently.  This  public  may  be  her 
own  invited  and  welcomed  guests,  but  all  the 
same  she  objects  to  being  kissed  in  their  pres- 
ence, and  very  properly.  Indeed,  few  brides  are 
willing  to  have  their  veils  raised  and  thrown 


ETIQUETTE  OF  IVEDDINGS.  169 


backward  until  they  have  left  the  church.  This, 
also,  is  in  excellent  taste. 

Two  of  the  ushers  usually  hurry  from  the 
vestibule  to  the  residence  of  the  bride,  to  be  in 
readiness  to  receive  the  newly-wedded. 

The  bridal  party,  with  half  the  maids  at  the 
right  of  the  lady  and  half  at  the  left  of  the  groom, 
take  their  position  for  the  usual  congratulations. 
The  parents  of  the  bride  stand  at  a  little  distance 
at  her  right  and  those  of  the  groom  at  his  left, 
unless  they  receive  in  another  room. 

As  the  guests  arrive,  the  ushers  are  ready  to 
offer  their  right  arms  to  the  ladies  to  conduct 
them  to  the  married  pair.  The  gentlemen  at- 
tendants of  the  ladies  follow.  If  the  usher  is  not 
acquainted  with  the  lady  he  is  escorting,  he  asks 
her  name  on  the  way.  He  presents  her  and  her 
attendant  to  the  bride  and  groom,  and  then  takes 
them  to  the  parents  of  the  wedded  pair  and  in- 
troduces them. 

Two  families  who  are  frequently  strangers  to 
each  other  make  this  formality  both  necessary 
and  agreeable..  If  ladies  are  present  without 
gentlemen,  and  the  reception  be  large,  an  usher 


170 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


attends  each  lady  to  the  breakfast-room,  and 
sees  that  she  is  properly  served.  If  the  company 
be  small  and  the  entertainment  be  a  breakfast- 
table,  with  chairs  and  cards  of  location,  an  escort 
is  provided  for  each  one  of  the  ladies  in  the  same 
manner  as  at  any  other  breakfast  of  ceremony. 

The  host  sits  at  one  end  of  the  table  and  the 
hostess  at  the  other,  he  with  the  bride  at  his 
right,  she  with  the  groom  at  hers,  when  a  wed- 
ding breakfast  is  arranged  in  this  charming  but 
limited  fashion. 

After  the  breakfast,  or  in  case  of  a  reception, 
before  the  guests  disperse,  the  bride  and  groom 
retire  to  their  dressing-rooms  quietly,  taking  no 
leave  of  any  one,  and  prepare  for  their  departure. 

They  don  their  traveling  attire  and  only  a 
few  favored  or  especially  invited  friends  remain 
with  the  bridemaids  and  ushers  to  throw  rice  and 
worn  slippers  after  their  carriage.  The  "  best 
man  "  has  already  gone  to  the  train  or  steamer 
to  look  after  their  luggage,  and  to  see  them  off 
without  vexation  or  care-taking. 

No  one  asks  them  whither  they  are  flitting, 
such  a  question  being  considered  in  bad  taste. 


ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS.  171 

The  "  best  man  "  only  is  aware  of  the  direction 
in  which  their  honeymoon  is  rising,  and  he  is 
not  Hkely  to  speak  of  his  knowledge. 

Bridal  gifts  are  seldom  exhibited,  and  the 
few  friends  who  are  permitted  to  look  at  them 
examine  them  only  after  their  cards  are  removed, 
so  that  a  token  of  love  may  not  be  suspected  of 
ostentation  nor  one  of  display  have  its  real  mo- 
tives recognized  to  dishonor  the  gifts  of  sincere 
affection. 

The  present  of  usefulness  may  be  sent  only 
by  those  who  have  a  right  to  comprehend  the 
needs  of  the  newly-wedded.  All  friends,  who 
are  "a  little  less  than  kin  and  a  little  more  than 
kind,"  may  contribute  such  objects  of  art  and 
beauty,  of  literature  or  of  antiquity,  as  shall  be 
an  acknowledgment  and  compliment  to  the  culti- 
vation and  refined  tastes  of  the  bride  and  groom, 
but  useful  articles,  such  as  silver,  furniture,  and 
money,  may  not  be  given  by  those  who  are  out- 
side of  the  family  circle.  Indeed,  there  is,  hap- 
pily, less  universality  in  the  wedding  gift  than 
formerly.  It  has  fallen  into  disrepute,  and  by 
not  a  few  families  it  is  considered  an  intrusion, 


172 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


if  not  an  impertinence ;  unfortunately,  it  can  not 
be  guarded  against  by  advertisement,  as  is  the 
once  universal  and  unpleasant  floral  bouquet  at 
funerals. 

Those  gifts  which  are  sent  to  the  bride,  such 
as  linen,  silver,  etc.,  are  marked,  if  inscribed  at 
all,  with  her  maiden  name  ;  those  for  the  groom 
with  his  cipher  or  initial.  The  bride  acknowl- 
edges by  note  within  a  month,  with  her  own 
hand,  every  gift  which  she  receives.  Sometimes 
she  carries  or  is  followed  on  her  wedding-tour 
by  a  list  of  her  presents,  so  that  she  may  return 
thanks  as  early  as  practicable. 

It  is  proper  to  mention  that  the  groom  gen- 
erally presents  some  souvenir  of  the  occasion  to 
each  of  the  bridemaids  and  ushers,  and  ingenuity 
struggles  to  devise  simple  and  enduring  novelties 
for  these  occasions.  Fans,  rings,  bangles,  and 
miniatures,  prayer-books  and  lamps,  have  served 
when  nothing  else  could  be  thought  of,  and  canes 
and  scarf-pins,  sleeve-buttons  and  spurs,  are 
among  the  objects  bestowed  to  remind  the  re- 
ceivers of  their  opportune  services.  The  bou- 
quets of  the  maids  and  the  botitonni^res  of  the 


ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS.  173 

ushers  are  the  gift  of  the  bride.  If  she  desires 
an  unusual  fashion  or  fabric  for  the  bridemaids* 
toilet,  she  provides  these  also. 

If  the  wedded  pair  commence  life  in  a  house 
of  their  own,  it  is  customary  to  issue  "  At  home  " 
cards  for  a  few  mornings  or  evenings  at  no  dis- 
tant date,  unless  the  marriage  occurs  in  early- 
summer,  when  these  informal  receptions  are  de- 
layed until  autumn.  Only  such  persons  are  in- 
vited as  the  young  people  choose  to  keep  as 
friends,  or  perhaps  only  those  whom  they  can 
afford  to  retain.  It  is  an  easy  and  sensible  op- 
portunity for  carefully  rearranging  one's  social 
list,  because  there  are  limitations  to  hospitality 
which  are  frequently  more  necessary  than  agree- 
able. This  list  of  old  friends  and  acquaintances 
can  not  be  too  seriously  considered  and  sifted,  and 
no  moment  is  so  favorable  as  at  the  beginning  of 
housekeeping.  This  custom  of  arranging  a  fresh 
list  is  admitted  as  a  social  necessity,  and  nobody 
is  offended.  The  omission  of  reception-cards  is 
taken  as  a  communicative  and  intelligent  silence, 
which  may  cause  regret,  but  it  can  not  give 
offense.    It  only  declares  that  by  marriage  the 


1T4 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


new  household  has  doubled  the  number  of  its 
kinspeople  and  friends  by  uniting  two  families. 
That  is  all.  These  reception-cards  are  neither 
large  nor  small,  but  fine  in  quality.  A  note  may 
be  used  if  preferred;  but  the  card  is  less  osten- 
tatious and  more  convenient.  The  following  is 
the  accepted  style  : 

MR.   AND  MRS.   ALEXIS  STAFFORD  CARLTON, 

AT  HOME, 

Tuesdav  evenings  in  September, 
from  half-past  eight  until  eleven  o'clock. 
39  Bradford  Street. 

An  elaborate  table  on  these  occasions  is  not 
considered  in  refined  taste.  The  bride  wears  a 
reception  toilet,  and  the  groom  is  in  full  even- 
ing dress.  This  form  of  card  is  also  used  if  the 
marriage  has  been  very  quiet. 

In  cases  where  the  wedding  has  been  private 
or  informal,  during  the  absence  of  the  pair  on 
their  wedding-journey,  the  bride's  family  some- 
times issue  an  announcement  of  the  marriage 
to  all  their  friends  and  acquaintances.  This 
card  or  note  implies  that  the  marriage  was  fully 


ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS. 


175 


sanctioned  by  the  parents,  and  it  dignifies  the 
ceremony  in  the  estimation  of  its  recipients. 

These  notes  are  engraved,  and  in  many  in- 
stances they  are  prepared  for  distant  friends  who 
could  not  be  present  even  at  a  grand  wedding. 
Distance  may  make  an  invitation  an  absurdity. 
The  form  of  this  announcement  is  usually  as 
follows,  and  it  is  sent  in  two  envelopes,  by  post : 

MR.   AND  MRS.   HOWARD  MORTIMER 
announce  the  marriage  of  their  daughter^ 
Miss  Matilde  Alice, 
to 

Mr.  Alexis  Stafford  Carlton, 
Tuesday^  October  tenth,  1878. 
No.  59  Lombard  Street,  New  York. 

A  note  of  congratulation  is  usually  sent  to 
the  parents  of  the  bride,  and  also  to  the  bri- 
dal pair  if  the  intimacy  of  the  parties  war- 
rants it. 

If  there  has  been  no  wedding  reception,  and 
a  reception  follows  the  return  of  the  couple  to 
town,  even  though  the  young  people  take  pos- 
session of  their  own  house,  the  mother  of  the 
12 


176 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


bride  usually  gives  one  to  them  first.  She  sends 
out  notes  or  large  cards,  engraved  in  the  follow- 
ing manner : 

MRS.  HOWARD  MORTIMER. 
MRS.  ALEXIS  STAFFORD  CARLTON. 
AT  HOME, 
Tuesday,  December  ninth, 
from  three  until  ten  o'clock. 
59  West  Lombard  Street. 

If  a  reception  be  given  only  in  the  evening, 
the  invitation  will  be  issued  in  the  names  of 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Howard  Mortimer,  and  a  separate 
card  will  bear  the  names  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Alexis 
Stafford  Carlton,  One  envelope  encloses  both 
cards. 

It  is  permissible  in  cases  where  a  marriage 
takes  place  during  seasons  of  family  mourning, 
or  of  a  misfortune,  to  issue  cards  simply  bearing 
the  names  of  the  married  party,  with  new  ad- 
dress, and  another  card  enclosed,  upon  which  is 
engraved  the  maiden  name  of  the  bride. 

The  entry  of  the  bridal  party  to  the  church 
may  be  varied  to  suit  the  taste,  but  care  should 


ETIQUETTE  OF  IVEDDIA'GS.  177 


be  taken  to  avoid  dramatic  effects  while  endeav- 
oring to  be  picturesque  and  impressive.  If  the 
formality  described  in  this  chapter  be  followed, 
the  parties  adopting  it  will  be  certain  to  find 
precedents  for  their  style  among  the  highest 
social  circles  of  New  York.  But  there  are  timid 
brides,  who  prefer  to  adhere  strictly  to  the 
fashion  of  their  grandm.others,  and  gain  content 
in  the  imitation  of  a  long  line  of  worthy  exam- 
ples. In  such  cases  the  bridemaids  first  pass  up 
the  aisle,  each  with  a  gentleman  on  whom  to 
lean;  they  turn  at  the  altar,  the  ladies  going 
to  their  left  and  the  gentlemen  to  their  right, 
and  the  groom  follows,  bearing  his  destined 
mother-in-law  on  his  arm.  This  lady  he  seats, 
as  speedily  as  politeness  permits,  in  a  convenient 
front  pew  at  his  left.  The  bride  follows,  cling- 
ing to  the  arm  of  her  father  ;  or,  if  she  be  or- 
phaned, her  next-of-kin  supports  her  on  her  way 
to  her  expectant  groom.  At  her  left,  and  just  a 
step  or  two  back  of  her,  her  father  waits  until 
asked  to  give  her  away,  which  he  does  by  taking 
her  right  hand  and  placing  it  in  that  of  the  cler- 
gyman.   After  this  brief  but  important  formality, 


178 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


he  joins  the  lady  who  entered  with  the  groom 
and  becomes  her  escort.  The  father  and  mother 
pass  out  of  the  church  just  behind  the  bridal 
company. 

Among  the  bright  and  pleasant  variations  to 
the  solemn  pomp  of  a  church  wedding  which 
etiquette  heartily  approves,  although  it  does  not 
prescribe  it,  is  the  strewing  of  flowers  in  the 
path  of  the  young  couple  as  they  go  away  from 
the  altar.  Little  girls,  costumed  in  white  rai- 
ment, with  baskets  of  blossoms,  -rise  up,  like  un- 
suspected fairies,  while  the  clergyman  is  congrat- 
ulating the  bride,  and  slowly  drop  roses  down 
the  aisle  to  the  carriage.  Sometimes  garlands  of 
flowers,  that  have  been  somewhere  hidden,  are 
suddenly  seen  stretched  across  the  aisle  at  brief 
intervals,  by  little  maidens  who  stand  on  the 
seats  at  the  ends  of  the  pews,  and  lift  their 
pretty  arms  high  in  air  to  swing  their  roses  over 
the  pathway  of  the  bridal  party. 

Sometimes,  instead  of  garlands,  they  toss 
rose-leaves  in  crimson,  gold,  and  white  from  the 
same  high  positions,  all  over  the  outgoing  pro- 
cession.     Many   other   devices,   fanciful  and 


ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS. 


179 


charming,  may  be  added  to  the  brief  brightness 
of  the  moment. 

Weddings  at  home  vary  but  little  from  those 
at  church.  Sometimes  the  ceremony  is  per- 
formed in  the  presence  of  the  family,  and  per- 
haps also  a  very  few  intimate  friends,  after 
which  there  is  a  reception.  The  music,  the 
descent  of  the  bridal  party,  and  their  entry  into 
the  room,  and  approach  to  a  selected  place  and 
position,  are  just  the  same  as  if  they  were  in 
church.  An  altar  of  flowers  and  a  place  for 
kneeling  can  be  easily  arranged  at  home.  The 
space  behind  the  altar  need  be  no  wider  than 
is  required  for  the  clergyman. 

When  the  marriage  ceremony  is  concluded, 
the  party  turn  in  their  places,  and  face  their 
friends,  who  wait  to  congratulate  them,  the 
nearest  and  dearest  first  in  the  order  of  their 
kinships.  If  space  be  of  importance,  the  kneel- 
ing-stool,  and  even  the  floral  altar,  may  be  re- 
moved a  little  later,  without  observation.  The 
latter,  however,  is  usually  pushed  back  against 
the  wall,  and  adds  to  the  decorative  part  of  the 
festivity. 


180 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


Calls  or  card-leaving,  by  all  the  guests,  upon 
the  family  of  the  bride,  is  a  rigorous  formality 
within  ten  days  after  the  wedding. 

The  marriage  ceremonies  of  a  widow  differ 
only  in  the  not  wearing  of  a  veil  and  the  orange- 
blossoms.  She  may  be  costumed  in  white,  and 
have  her  maids  at  the  altar,  if  she  pleases.  This 
liberty  has  been  given  to  her  only  within  a  few 
years,  and  refined  taste  will  determine  her  in 
these  matters.  On  her  wedding-cards  of  invita- 
tion her  maiden  name  is  used  as  a  part  of  her 
proper  name  ;  this  is  but  respect  to  her  parents. 
Having  dropped  the  initials  of  her  deceased 
husband  when  she  lays  aside  her  crapes,  she 
uses  her  own  Christian  name.  If  she  have  sons, 
or  unmarried  daughters,  at  the  time  she  becomes 
again  a  wife,  she  prefixes  the  last  name  of  her 
children  to  her  new  one,  on  all  ceremonious  oc- 
casions in  which  they  are  interested  in  common 
with  herself.  This  respect  is  really  due  to  them, 
and  etiquette  permits,  although  our  social  usages 
do  not  imperatively  command,  its  adoption. 

Of  course,  the  formalities  which  follow  the 
marriage  of  a  widow  can  seldom  be  managed 


ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS.  181 


in  the  same  manner  as  those  of  a  younger  bride. 
Circumstances  must  control  the  entertainments 
which  follow  the  marriage  of  a  widow,  and  no 
fixed  forms  can  be  arranged  for  them.  A  quiet 
taste  and  refined  sentiments  are  the  best  regu- 
lators of  these  civilities. 


CHRISTENINGS  AND  BIRTHDAYS. 

Once  upon  a  time  the  naming  of  the  heir 
was  considered  the  most  important  of  all  family 
celebrations  until  the  day  arrived  when  this 
young  gentleman  attained  his  rnajority.  The 
daughter,  not  being  entitled  to  much  considera- 
tion in  those  days,  seldom  received  her  christen- 
ing with  public  ostentation,  and  there  were  few 
expressions  of  delightful  hope  upon  such  occa- 
sions which  were  worth  recording  in  history. 

The  dissenting  churches,  however,  succeeded 
in  reorganizing  the  forms  of  christenings  among 
themselves,  and  their  sentiments  and  usages 
eventually  modified  the  ceremonies  that  were 
habitual  to  the  established  creed. 

They  transformed  the  old  christening  cus- 
toms from  a  secular  high  festival  of  feasting  and 
merriment  to  a  profoundly  religious  formality,  in 
which  austerity  was  its  most  noticeable  feature. 


CHRISTENINGS  AND  BIRTHDAYS.  183 


They  selected  this  occasion,  of  providing  names 
both  for  sons  and  daughters,  as  a  fitting  time  for 
solemnly  dedicating  the  futures  of  their  offspring 
to  the  services  of  their  own  faith.  This  religious 
ceremony  of  naming  the  child,  and  at  the  same 
time  consecrating  it  to  a  fixed  form  of  faith,  has 
been  greatly  and  sensibly  varied  within  the  last 
quarter  of  a  century  among  almost  all  our  peo- 
ple. 

The  religious  portion  of  this  ceremony,  in  its 
extreme  or  severe  services,  has  been  pleasantly 
formulated  so  that  participators  in  the  celebra- 
tion of  christening  may  feel  glad  at  the  same 
time  that  they  are  reverential  and  grateful.  In- 
deed, there  is  as  wide  a  difference  between  the 
present  sentiments  and  convictions  which  direct 
this  ordinance  of  christening  our  children  as 
there  is  between  the  former  and  the  present 
methods  of  spending  the  first  day  of  the  week. 

Our  Puritan  fathers  and  mothers  beautified 
none  of  their  religious  customs  ;  but  their  de- 
scendants have  drifted,  little  by  little,  away  from 
under  the  shadow  of  religious  severities,  and  we 
have  not  only  ordained  for  ourselves  less  rigid 


184 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


usages,  but  we  ha  /e  acquired  sweeter  sentiincnt3, 
tenderer  and  nobler  estimates  of  duty,  and  more 
ennobling  customs  for  christening  the  little  folk, 
who  can  not  fetch  their  names  into  this  world 
along  with  them. 

These  latter-day  celebrations  include  or  com- 
bine such  social  and  religious  forms  as  can  not, 
in  the  slightest  degree,  dull  our  perceptions  of 
the  highest  duty  which  we  owe  to  the  little 
shapeless  white  soul  that  has  come  to  us  for 
guidance  and  development.  Nor  has  the  charm 
of  a  beautified  religious  custom  lowered  our 
standard  of  Christain  conduct. 

Almost  all  the  old  barbarities  and  inhuman- 
ities of  worship  are  rapidly  fading  out  of  the 
world,  even  among  the  pagans.  Indeed,  it  is 
said  that  there  is  less  of  that  grosser  servitude 
which  long  custom  has  failed  to  make  satisfying 
to  the  most  ignorant  of  people,  and  abhorrent 
practices  are  becoming  absolute,  even  in  heathen 
lands. 

Somebody  who  is  both  wise  and  good  lately 
said  that  the  "  Gates  of  Prosperity  "  were  the 
widest  of  all  the  entrances  to  heaven,  as  has 


CHRISTENINGS  AND  BIRTHDAYS.  185 


been  proved  by  the  records  of  Christian  charac- 
ters, and  that  the  sweeter  and  more  beautiful 
the  social  observances  of  a  religion,  the  more 
profoundly  devout  was  the  believing  household. 
Indeed,  it  would  be  difficult  at  present  to  estab- 
lish a  general  belief  that  the  consecration  of  a 
little  child  to  a  noble  life  was  less  sincere  be- 
cause the  vow  of  watchful  obligation  was  made 
in  the  presence  of  many  friends,  where  flow- 
ers bloomed,  aromas  made  the  air  deliciously 
sweet,  and  harmonious  music  drifted  through 
the  thoughts  of  the  child's  parents  and  sponsors 
during  the  sacred  hour  of  consecration.  In- 
deed, such  fair  surroundings  enrich  the  moment 
with  an  abiding  benediction.  They  possess  a 
power  of  following  one-with  a  white  wake  of 
hallowed  memories  that  compel  us  to  keep  our 
promised  watch  over  the  child. 

That  the  christening  ceremonials  among  our 
superior  citizens  are  becoming  more  and  more 
beautiful  each  year  in  New  York,  even  our  sour- 
est ascetics  admit  with  scarcely  a  word  of  dis- 
approval. 

The  formality  which  is  most  in  favor  is  the 


186 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


giving  of  a  reception  ;  the  hours  are  fixed  from 
three  or  four  o'clock  until  six  p.  m.  It  is  equally 
proper  to  write  the  invitations,  or  to  order  them 
engraved  in  script. 

The  engraved  form  is  scarcely  varied  from 
the  following  : 

MR,   AND  MRS.  JAMES  ALDRICH 
request  the  honor  of  your  presence  at  the 

christening  of  their  son  [or  daughter] 
at  Jive  o'clock,  Thursday,  January  tenth. 
Reception  from  four  to  six. 

No.  loi  St.  James  Street. 

This  card  receives  an  early  response.  The 
only  difference  between  a  written  and  an  en- 
graved note  is  in  a  less  formal  distribution  of 
the  language  upon  the  note  or  card  when  the 
pen  is  used. 

Flowers  ornament  the  house  tastefully  and 
possibly  elaborately.  This  decoration  is  sub- 
ject to  the  season,  and  the  ability  to  secure 
these  pretty  symbols  of  purity  and  sweetness. 
The  guests  all  arrive  in  reception  or  visiting  toi- 
lets, before  five  o'clock,  and  meet  the  host  and 
hostess  just  as  they  would  at  any  reception. 


CHRISTENINGS  AND  BIRTH  DA  YS.  187 


Sometimes  there  is  a  band  of  music,  but  often- 
er  there  are  a  pianist  and  a  quartette  of  singers, 
the  musicians,  more  than  likely,  being  selected 
from  among  the  friends  or  kinspeople  of  the 
child.  Sometimes  professional  musicians  are 
employed.  There  is  a  temporary  font  arranged 
in  a  prominent  position  in  the  room.  A  small 
round  table  or  pedestal  is  chosen,  and  upon  its 
center  is  placed  a  silver  goblet  or  bowl,  or  one 
of  glass.  The  edge  of  the  pedestal  is  often  hung 
with  vines  suspended  from  its  outer  edge,  so  that 
the  support  of  the  baptismal  vessel  is  hidden 
entirely.  Smilax  is  beautiful  and  convenient 
for  a  deep  fringe  to  a  table.  The  top  of  this 
pedestal  or  table  is  built  up  to  the  rim  of  the 
bowl  with  white  flowers,  the  lower  row  often 
being  calla  lilies  laid  with  their  points  turned 
outward  and  downward,  and  other  blossoms  and 
foliage  are  arranged  above  them  until  the  rim  of 
the  vessel  is  overlapped  with  bloom.  Above  this 
is  sometimes  suspended,  by  a  thread,  a  white 
dove,  with  its  wings  outspread.  This  dove  can 
be  procured  of  a  taxidermist  or  of  a  florist.  If 
it  is  made  of  wire  and  flne  white  blossoms  it  is 


188 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


pretty,  but  the  real  dove  is  much  more  effective 
and  beautiful. 

At  five  o'clock  the  child  is  brought  to  the 
parents,  who  stand  by  the  font,  and  the  sponsors 
join  them.  If  it  be  a  girl,  its  selected  guardians 
are  usually  two  young  ladies,  who  are  dressed  in 
white,  and  who  arrange  themselves  one  at  each 
side  of  the  father  and  mother,  and  a  hyrim  or 
chant  is  sung.  The  clergyman  goes  through  the 
rite  of  christening,  according  to  the  formalities 
of  his  own  established  church  ;  more  music  fol- 
lows, and  then  a  benediction.  Directly  after 
this,  congratulations  are  offered  to  the  father 
and  mother,  and  the  child  is  admired  and  petted, 
or  it  is  rem.oved  to  its  own  apartment,  according 
to  its  desire  or  its  aversion  to  society.  Refresh- 
ments are  offered  as  at  any  afternoon  entertain- 
ment, and  they  are  usually  of  a  richer  quality 
than  are  provided  at  an  informal  reception.  Of 
course  this  pleasant  custom  is  varied  according 
to  the  poetic  or  artistic  fancies  of  the  household, 
but  it  is  always  beautiful  and  cheerful,  and  yet 
it  is  a  sincere  consecration. 

The  birthdays  of  children  are  being  cclc- 


CHRISTENINGS  AND  BIRTHDAYS,  189 


brated  in  New  York  more  and  more  after  the 
customs  of  Europeans.  These  waymarks  in  the 
lives  of  children  are  made  pleasant  remem- 
brances to  them.  A  little  feast  is  made  for  the 
child,  to  which  its  playmates  are  invited,  but  the 
invitations  seldom  extend  beyond  a  number  that 
may  be  seated  at  table,  where  they  are  not  over- 
shadowed by  larger  eaters. 

The  feast  is  dainty  and  plentiful,  but  not 
hurtfully  rich,  and  its  especial  characteristic  is  a 
cake  in  which  are  imbedded  as  many  fancy  wax- 
candles  as  are  the  years  of  the  young  person  in 
whose  honor  the  party  is  given.  These  candles 
are  placed  in  little  tin  tubes  and  sunken  near 
the  outer  edge  of  the  cake,  or  they  may  be 
placed  in  a  rim  which  is  arranged  about  it. 
They  are  already  lighted  when  the  young  people 
are  invited  into  the  banqueting  apartment. 

After  the  food  is  eaten,  the  one  who  is  cele- 
brating a  birthday  cuts  the  cake,  if  he  or  she  is 
old  and  strong  enough  for  such  pleasant  duty, 
and  a  piece  of  it  is  given  to  each  guest.  Plays 
or  dances  follow  the  supper.  Guests  are  not 
expected  to  make  presents.     Indeed,  with  the 


190 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


exception  of  a  book,  or  a  bunch  of  flowers,  con- 
tributions would  give  pain  rather  than  pleasure 
to  the  mother  of  the  little  host  or  hostess. 

These  little  celebrations  continue  annually 
until  the  child  is  old  enough  to  enter  society. 
Even  if  the  family  be  in  mourning,  a  birthday 
is  not  forgotten,  although  the  festival  may  be 
less  gay  than  usual. 

Among  the  elders  of  a  household  this  annual 
return  of  the  birthday  is  seldom  celebrated  in 
the  presence  of  any  persons  except  his  or  her 
own  kinspeople.  The  twenty-first  birthday  of  a 
gentleman  is  often  made  an  occasion  for  extend- 
ing hospitalities  in  the  form  of  a  dinner,  a  party, 
or  a  ball,  but  a  lady's  age  is  not  thus  publicly 
noticed,  for  obvious  but  absurd  social  reasons. 
After  the  lady  or  gentleman  becomes  astonish- 
ingly old,  and  they  feel  proud  of  their  longevity, 
the  most  beautiful  attentions  are  often  bestowed 
upon  them  by  their  young  friends,  and  also  by 
those  who  were  the  companions  of  their  youth. 
Flowers,  letters  of  congratulation,  cards  of  in- 
quiry and  respect,  gifts  that  will  interest,  break- 
fast or  dinner  parties,  and  receptions,  are  con- 


CHRISTENINGS  AND  BIRTHDAYS.  191 

sidered  in  "  good  form,"  as  the  English  express 
an  act  which  is  properly  performed. 

There  are  few  vigorous  people  who  care  to 
emphasize  the  fact  that  they  are  passing  still 
another  annual  milestone,  until  they  have  really 
reached  and  entered  upon  the  late  afternoon  of 
life,  and  are  feeling  the  sweet  twilight  of  calm 
falling  like  a  blessing  upon  them.  It  is  this  ear- 
lier unwillingness  to  watch  and  count  the  years 
as  they  go  by  that  has  led  to  the  giving  up  of 
birthday  celebrations  in  the  presence  of  one's 
acquaintances  during  that  active  interval  which 
comes  in  between  youth  and  old  age. 

Even  a  remembrance  of  this  anniversary  in 
one's  own  household  is  oftenest  recalled  only  by 
"  a  gift  without  words,"  rather  than  by  a  spoken 
congratulation. 


13 


XVL 


MARRIAGE  ANNIVERSARIES. 

A  NOTICEABLE  entertainment  upon  each  an- 
nual return  of  marriage  days  is  a  custom  in  but 
few  of  our  best  families.  In  the  limited  circle 
of  the  fireside,  however,  the  day  is  usually 
marked  by  expressions  of  good-will,  and  the 
bestowal  of  gifts  between  husband  and  wife,  and 
also  from  children  and  their  parents  ;  but  this  is 
all. 

After  the  passing  of  a  certain  number  of 
years,  which  are  marked  off  into  epochs  by  sev- 
eral distinguishing  but  fanciful  names,  many  of 
our  households  celebrate  the  anniversaries  of 
their  marriage  by  extended  hospitalities.  Of 
course,  elderly  people  feel  and  manifest  their 
joy  by  graver  or  more  dignified  formalities  in 
their  entertainments  than  is  expected  of  younger 
husbands  and  wives,  the  latter  often  providing 
merriment  of  a  fanciful  kind.    Not  that  any  of 


MARRIAGE  ANNIVERSARIES. 


193 


these  anniversaries  are  emphasized  in  our  high- 
er circles  "  upon  the  contribution  plan,"  as  a 
cynical  writer  upon  our  social  customs  has  most 
aptly  styled  that  sort  of  hospitality  which  inti- 
mates by  the  form  of  its  invitations  that  presents 
are  expected.  To  offer  a  souvenir  to  a  bride  is  a 
pleasant  method  of  expressing  to  her  our  good 
wishes,  but  to  contribute  to  the  sustainment  of 
her  after  house-furnishing  is  quite  another  affair. 
As  a  custom,  begging  is  unknown  to  the  superior 
entertainers  of  New  York. 

The  marriage  anniversary  which  falls  after 
five  years  is  sometimes  called  ''a  wooden  wed- 
dmg  ;  "  after  ten  years,  it  is  mentioned  as  tin  ;  " 
after  twenty,  it  is  "  crystal ;  "  at  twenty-five,  it  is 
"  silver  ;  "  at  fifty,  it  is  a  "  golden  anniversary  ;  " 
and  at  sixty,  the  "diamond  wedding"  occurs. 

Those  who  have  lived  together  in  contented 
wedlock  twenty-five  years  are  usually  glad 
enough  to  express  their  happiness  in  some  em- 
phatic manner,  and  also  to  beg  the  recognition 
of  this  event  by  their  friends  and  acquaintances. 

Our  most  self-respecting  households  who  de- 
sire to  celebrate  a  return  of  their  wedding-day 


194 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


are  compelled,  through  their  delicacy  of  feeling, 
to  relinquish  a  general  gala  entertainment,  or 
else  to  make  an  announcement  upon  their  cards 
of  invitation  of  their  private  sentiments  in  the 
matter  of  a  miscellaneous  gift-making.  Just 
now  we  are  passing  through  an  unpleasant  social 
transition,  and  we  hope  soon  to  have  attained  a 
higher  civilization  in  this  particular  ;  these  ap- 
parently compulsory  contributions  upon  certain 
occasions,  either  glad  or  sorrowful,  will  have 
fallen  into  disuse. 

It  is  no  more  agreeable  to  the  entertainer  to 
be  compelled,  in  self-defense,  to  direct  that  "  no 
gifts  received  "  be  engraved  upon  cards  of  invi- 
tation to  a  party  than  it  is  to  add  R.  s.  v.  p., 
which  four  consonants  unpleasantly  suggest  that 
there  may  be  a  lack  of  familiarity  with  polite 
usages  on  the  part  of  those  who  are  bidden  to 
an  entertainment.  Without  doubt  we  shall  soon 
pass  the  donation  period "  in  our  social  cus- 
toms, and  a  gift  will  become  what  it  really  should 
be,  significant  of  something  superior  to  a  mean- 
ingless habit. 

Of  course,  very  near  kinspeople  and  very 


MARRIAGE  ANNIVERSARIES.  195 


dear  old  friends  will  take  the  liberty  sometimes 
of  disregarding  the  engraved  injunction,  just  as 
such  valued  individuals  indulge  themselves  in 
familiarities  with  the  rules  that  usually  govern 
one's  private  social  affairs.  But  if  remoter  rela- 
tives or  mere  society  acquaintances  send  a  gift 
other  than  flowers  or  a  book,  after  being  re- 
quested to  restrict  their  generosity,  they  need 
not  be  suprrised  if  the  act  be  considered  an 
impertinence,  and  resented  accordingly.  The 
value  of  a  gift  has  come  to  be  measured,  by  per- 
sons of  delicacy,  by  the  motive  which  prompted 
its  bestowal,  and  there  is  a  decidedly  serious 
effort  being  made  by  our  refined  and  influential 
leaders  of  society  to  escape  from  an  unpleasant- 
ness that  may  be  suffered  equally  by  the  giver 
and  the  receiver  of  formal  presents. 

People  of  superior  breeding  regard  anniver- 
sary contributions  to  their  household  effects  with 
distress,  if  not  with  aversion,  and  such  gifts,  if 
not  presented  by  those  who  possess  a  natural 
right  to  make  such  bestowals,  are  likely  to  be 
returned  to  their  donors. 

When  this  custom  of  self-respecting  inde- 


196 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


pendence  of  material  favors  is  fully  established 
in  our  higher  circles,  society  will  be  pitched  at 
least  an  octave  above  its  late  key-note.  Indeed, 
there  are  not  a  few  married  people  who  refrain 
from  asking  their  friends  and  acquaintances  to 
participate  in  their  rejoicing  upon  anniversary 
days,  through  fear  of  being  considered  willing  to 
receive  gifts  from  those  whom  they  desire  only 
to  be  merry  with.  Doubtless  it  is  for  this  reason 
that  fashion  has  frowned  upon  the  grotesquerie 
of  cards  of  wood,  tin,  etc.,  which  were  popular 
only  a  few  years  since  as  notifications  to  a  guest 
of  the  occasion  which  suggested  a  festivity. 

The  prevailing  style  of  cards  of  invitation  to 
an  anniversary  party  or  reception  is  just  the 
same  as  to  any  ordinary  entertainment.  A  wed- 
ding-bell, or  a  horseshoe  of  white  flowers,  with 
the  date  of  the  marriage  wrought  into  it  with 
colored  blossoms,  or  a  bride's  loaf  dated  by  con- 
fections, and  placed  upon  a  separate  table  of 
honor,  informs  the  guests  of  the  reason  for  re- 
joicing, after  their  arrival,  when  congratulations 
follow  as  a  matter  of  course. 

When  a    .larter  of  a  century  of  married  life  is 


MARRIAGE  ANNIVERSARIES.  197 

to  be  celebrated,  it  is  customary  to  mention  the 
fact  upon  the  cards,  and  the  much-needed  in- 
formation, 710  gifts  received^  is  placed  in  the 
left  -  hand  lower  corner.  The  formula  of  the 
invitation  is  in  the  following  style,  clearly  en- 
graved in  script : 

MR.   AND  MRS.   JOHN  WINTHROP, 
on  the  twenty-fifth  anniversary  of  their  jjiarriage, 
Monday  evening,  January  ninths 
at  half -past  eight  o'clock. 

22  Adams  Street. 

No  gifts  received. 

In  responding  to  this  invitation,  either  to 
accept  or  decline  the  hospitable  civility,  cour- 
teous congratulations  are  added  in  any  graceful 
style  which  an  acquaintance  with  the  givers  of 
the  entertainment  may  suggest.  A  too  familiar 
and  overcordial  note  of  response  is  almost  as 
offensive  as  one  which  expresses  no  interest 
at  all  in  those  who  have  been  wedded  com- 
panions through  so  many  years.  There  is  a 
happy  medium  to  the  formalities  of  even  kindly 
wishes.    It  is  not  unnatural  to  suspect  an  ac- 


198 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE, 


quaintance  of  insincerity  when  excesses  of  lan- 
guage are  used  in  society  matters. 

When  such  an  impressive  anniversary  has 
arrived,  it  is  customary  for  the  host  and  hostess 
to  secure  as  many  guests  as  possible  from  among 
those  who  were  present  at  their  wedding.  The 
clergyman  who  performed  the  ceremony  is  bid- 
den, and,  if  possible,  the  wedding-garments  are 
again  worn  upon  the  occasion.  The  clergyman 
returns  thanks  for  the  prolonged  life  of  the  pair, 
and  such  other  interesting  formalities  are  added 
as  will  make  the  occasion  impressive,  without 
being  oppressive. 

After  the  clergyman  has  completed  his  part 
of  the  ceremony  (provided  his  presence  has  been 
secured),  the  near  kinspeople  offer  congratula- 
tions first,  when  other  guests  follow  after  the 
manner  of  a  wedding  reception.  When  a  formal 
supper  is  provided,  the  host  and  hostess  lead 
together  upon  this  peculiar  occasion,  and  the 
guests  follow  in  convenient  order,  as  at  an  ordi- 
nary party. 

If  the  supper  be  arranged  in  buffet  style,  the 
bride  and  groom  retain  their  positions  during 


MA  RRIA  GE  A  NNI VER  SA  RIE  S. 


199 


the  entire  evening,  except  there  be  dancing, 
when  they  frequently  lead  the  first  set,  which  is 
usually  a  cotillon  upon  such  anniversaries.  The 
guests  seek  the  buffet  or  table  for  refreshments 
whenever  it  suits  their  pleasure,  and  take  leave 
before  midnight,  after  having  expressed  parting 
wishes  for  many  more  years  of  health  and  glad- 
ness to  their  entertainers.  After-calls  of  formal- 
ity are  expected  as  a  matter  of  course. 

There  are  many  beautiful  and  suggestive 
decorations  possible  upon  such  an  occasion. 
Sometimes  all  the  floral  ornaments  in  the  house 
are  fully-blossoming  roses  and  ivy,  or  rich  foli- 
age and  no  bloom.  Among  the  loveliest  and 
most  suggestive  of  house  decorations  for  a 
golden  wedding  anniversary  are  groups  of  palms 
and  gracefully  drooping  heads  of  wheat,  tied  up 
in  small  sheaves.  Garlands  of  laurel  and  au- 
tumnal foliage  are  also  both  charming  and 
pleasantly  prophetic  of  the  afternoon  of  a 
happy  life. 


XVII. 


COSTUMES  AND  CUSTOMS. 

The  best  usages  for  dress  in  New  York  are 
being  adopted  throughout  our  Republic  by  all 
refined  persons.  "  The  knowing  and  unknow- 
ing garments  of  society  "  may  be  sneered  at  by 
persons  who  are  too  indolent  to  make  toilets, 
but  all  the  same,  dress  tells  its  own  story,  and  no 
one  can  escape  its  effects. 

At  weddings,  luncheons,  receptions  of  all 
kinds,  matinees,  visits  of  ceremony,  and,  indeed, 
to  anything  that  occurs  in  the  day-time,  a  gen- 
tleman must  wear  a  morning  costume,  no  matter 
how  grand  the  toilets  of  the  ladies.  Fashion 
and  etiquette  demand  it.  A  dark  or  black 
frock-coat  with  vest  of  the  same,  and  lighter 
trowsers,  cut  according  to  prevailing  style,  are 
in  the  best  form  for  all  daylight  social  affairs. 
In  the  country,  Knickerbockers  are  fashionable 
day  suits,  and  a  gentleman,  if  he  rides  or  walks, 


COSTUMES  AND  CUSTOMS,  201 


may  pay  visits  to  familiar  acquaintances  in  such 
attire,  but  if  he  drives,  or  is  visiting  elderly  per- 
sons, or  strangers,  this  dress  is  too  unceremoni- 
ous. A  rigorous  etiquette  in  dress  is  sometimes 
burdensome,  but  then  to  certain  temperaments 
civilization  in  general  is  a  bore. 

Indeed,  among  the  conspiring  causes  which 
make  the  enjoyment  of  an  opera  too  infrequent 
is  costume.  If  a  lady  wears  a  full  toilet,  she 
must  ride  in  a  carriage.  If  she  goes  in  visiting 
dress,  she  can  not  properly  occupy  a  box,  even  if 
one  be  placed  at  her  disposal,  because  she  would 
appear  like  an  ugly  weed  in  a  gay  garden  of  brill- 
iant blossoms.  For  the  same  reason  she  can  not 
properly  make  calls  in  the  boxes  during  the  in- 
tervals of  music,  if  she  is  soberly  clad,  and  the 
same  applies  in  part  to  the  gentleman  who  is  in 
matinee  toilet. 

The  new  etiquette  regarding  costume  at 
places  of  public  amusement  began  only  lately 
to  shape  itself  into  a  formality  in  New  York.  It 
is  now  considered  quite  proper  for  a  gentleman 
to  attend  an  opera  in  a  matinee  suit,  provided 
seats  have  been  taken  elsewhere  than  in  a  box, 


202 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


but  he  is  limited  in  his  visits  between  the  acts  to 
such  of  his  acquaintances  as  are  also  in  demi- 
toilet,  unless  he  goes  to  the  foyer  to  chat  with 
promenaders.  The  latter  pleasure  has  long  been 
one  of  the  agreeable  parts  of  the  entertainment 
in  Europe,  and  the  custom  of  going  out  with 
ladies  between  the  acts  is  rapidly  coming  into 
vogue  in  this  country. 

If  a  gentleman  is  in  full  dress,  he  may  visit 
everywhere  in  the  house,  but  he  will  not  seat 
himself  in  the  orchestra  or  in  the  dress  circle, 
because  his  toilet  will  appear  out  of  harmony 
with  the  soberer  garments  about  him.  He  may 
properly  wear  gloves  when  he  is  not  in  evening 
dress,  as  this  light  formality  of  attire  is  in  keep- 
ing with  the  style  of  his  costume.  If  he  wears 
a  dress  coat  and  an  evening  necktie,  it  is  per- 
missible for  him  to  appear  without  gloves.  This 
fashion  of  uncovered  hands  originated  among 
English  royalty,  and  it  finds  favor  with  many  of 
the  leaders  of  American  society. 

If  a  lady  is  invited  by  a  gentleman  to  at- 
tend the  opera,  it  is  proper  for  him  to  inquire 
if  she  prefers  to  occupy  a  box,  or  at  least  to 


COSTUMES  AND  CUSTOMS.  203 


State  to  her  what  place  he  proposes  to  offer 
her.  If  she  accepts  a  seat  in  a  box,  it  is  de 
rigiceur  that  she  go  unbonneted,  and  at  least 
that  she  wear  a  light  opera  cloak,  even  if  she 
does  not  array  herself  in  full  evening  dress.  If 
she  is  to  be  seated  elsewhere,  she  should  always 
wear  a  bonnet,  which  may  be  as  gay  and  pretty 
as  she  pleases.  It  is  not  considered  a  breach  of 
etiquette  for  a  gentleman  to  escort  ladies  to  the 
opera  by  any  one  of  the  public  conveyances, 
provided  street  toilets  are  worn,  and  a  lady  of 
delicacy  or  considerateness,  when  she  accepts 
the  invitation,  will  mention  her  desire  to  go  in 
this  unostentatious  manner,  should  circumstances 
make  it  proper. 

A  very  pretty  New  York  girl — and  her  pret- 
tiness  should  pardon  her  lack  of  musical  appre- 
ciation— declared  that,  if  she  could  choose,  she 
would  far  rather  attend  the  opera  but  just  one 
night  in  a  season,  and  be  beautifully  dressed, 
go  there  in  a  carriage  with  two  liveried  men 
mounted  upon  its  front,  and  sit  in  a  prominent 
box,  than  to  be  present  every  night  plainly  at- 
tired and  sit  in  the  orchestra,  provided  even  that 


204 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


a  choir  of  angels  were  to  sing  to  her.  The  pro- 
viding of  costly  apparel  is  the  largest  expense 
and  the  heaviest  weariness  for  a  lady  whose 
fondness  for  good  music  is  really  profound  and 
sincere,  and  there  are  not  a  few  among  Fortune's 
favorites  who  prefer  the  refined  and  unostenta- 
tious quiet  of  the  less  dressy  parts  of  the  house, 
just  because  their  preparations  for  the  evening 
are  thus  made  so  much  less  tiresome  and  dis- 
tracting. A  lady  can  go  directly  from  her  own 
dinner-table,  bonneted,  wrapped,  and  gloved, 
and  ready  to  luxuriate  in  the  blisses  of  har- 
monious sounds,  unwearied  by  the  coiffeur^  pain- 
fully pretty  chaussure,  and  other  unmentionable 
etceteras  of  a  grand  toilet,  which  always  require 
a  patient  endurance  of  care  while  she  is  being 
arrayed,  and  an  equally  distracting  anxiety  to 
maintain  its  elegance.  If  ''eternal  vigilance  is 
the  price  of  liberty,"  it  would  require  a  larger 
mind  than  woman  is  accused  of  possessing  to 
retain  an  unruffled  and  unstained  magnificence, 
and  listen  to  all  the  ravishing  notes  of  the  last 
prima  donna  and  the  rich  tones  of  the  heavenly 
baritone  at  the  same  time.    This  is  not  written 


COSTUMES  AND  CUSTOMS, 


205 


as  an  apology  for  plain  attire.  Not  at  all.  It  is 
simply  an  announcement  of  the  customs  of  dress 
which  are  being  molded  and  completed  by  use 
and  by  public  approval.  No  individual  who 
loves  color,  warmth,  and  beauty,  but  feels  all  the 
more  grateful  to  those  who  add  their  charms  of 
gorgeousness  in  silks,  laces,  velvets,  and  jewels, 
to  the  opera,  because  they  themselves  have  been 
excused  by  circumstances  from  feeling  com- 
pelled to  lend  their  own  persons  and  posses- 
sions to  intensify  this  magnificence. 

An  evening  bonnet  and  light  gloves  are  con- 
sidered by  our  best  society  as  the  height  of 
dressing  for  a  public  theatre  or  a  concert,  unless 
there  is  some  prearranged  understanding  that  a 
wandering  star  in  the  musical  or  dramatic  firma- 
ment is  to  be  especially  honored,  and  that  a  fine 
toilet  is  to  be  one  of  the  methods  of  expressing 
respectful  admiration. 

Gentlemen  need  never  wear  full  dress  unless 
the  ladies  do ;  albeit,  when  no  lady  is  expected 
to  be  in  grand  costume,  a  gentleman  may  select 
whichever  style  of  garment  he  pleases.  The 
delicate  sentiment  which  would  deter  him  from 


206  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


going  in  full  dress  to  the  opera  when  the  ladies 
whom  he  accompanies  are  not  so  attired  need 
not  be  considered  at  a  concert  where  one  lady  is 
presumably  as  well  costumed  as  another.  There 
are  many  ways  by  which  a  tasteful  lady  will 
brighten  a  sober  garb  without  exhausting  her 
purse  or  worrying  her  mind  and  hands.  She 
will  do  this  in  grateful  appreciation  of  the  lately 
approved  custom  of  going  to  the  opera  and  to 
the  concert-room,  and  even  into  a  proscenium 
box  at  a  theatre,  in  a  pretty  visiting-dress.  She 
can  afford  to  enjoy  the  theatre,  good  music,  and 
the  opera  many  more  times  during  the  winter  on 
this  account ;  and  the  gentleman  who  does  not 
feel  compelled  to  escort  a  lady  in  a  carriage  can 
indulge  in  these  luxuries  twice  or  three  times 
as  often  because  of  this  lately  established  eti- 
quette in  matters  of  dress. 


XVIIL 


EXTENDED  VISITS. 

We  are  becoming  a  hospitable  people  in  a 
larger  social  sense,  year  by  year.  We  have,  as 
a  nation,  always  shared  our  good  things  and 
proffered  our  roofs  to  both  friends  and  strangers 
with  an  Arabic  conscientiousness,  and  a  sense 
of  the  sacredness  of  breaking  bread  with  the 
needy,  but  it  is  only  within  a  few  years  that  any 
considerable  numbers  of  our  people  have  be- 
come rich  enough  to  follow  the  generous  cus- 
toms of  English  hosts.  Even  now  we  are  more 
likely  to  fill  our  town  than  our  country  houses 
with  guests,  while  the  Briton  only  enjoys  gather- 
ing his  friends  about  him  at  his  secluded  estate. 
However,  when  New  Yorkers  do  extend  hos- 
pitalities, their  invitations  are  formulated  quite 
after  the  English  fashion,  and  their  prompt  ac- 
ceptances or  refusals  are  similar,  because  they 
involve  both  hosts  and  guests  in  the  same  obliga- 
14 


208 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


tions.  It  would  be  in  bad  form  if  guests  did  not 
express  appreciation  of  every  effort  to  entertain 
them,  and  it  is  equally  in  good  taste  on  the 
part  of  the  host  and  hostess  to  contribute  com- 
fort and  amusement  both  in  and  out  of  the 
house.  The  latter  should  entertain  but  not  per- 
secute their  visitors.  Ideal  are  they  who  permit 
their  guests  a  little  leisure  and  as  much  tran- 
quillity as  they  desire.  To  bring  strangers  into 
a  happy  and  sunny  atmosphere  of  cordiality  and 
freedom  is  the  best  and  the  finest  of  all  hospi- 
talities. The  highest  breeding  does  not  insist 
upon  anything.  Amusements  and  outings  may 
be  proffered,  but  they  should  never  be  urged. 
A  fine  flexibility  for  every  social  programme 
should  be  felt  by  both  entertained  and  enter- 
tainer, with  the  sole  exception  of  that  for  arriv- 
ing and  departing.  The  first  is  a  fixed  and  im- 
movable hour.  The  latter  may  be  abbreviated, 
if  for  good  reason,  but  there  are  few  occasions, 
and  these  should  have  most  excellent  reasons  in 
them  for  prolonging  a  stay  bej^ond  the  time 
mentioned  in  the  invitation. 

To  fix  rules  for  the  methods  by  which  visits 


EXTENDED  VISITS. 


209 


are  to  be  made  charming  would  doubtless  prove 
as  disagreeable  as  really  impossible  while  cir- 
cumstances and  fortunes  differ. 

There  are  persons  even  in  good  society,  and 
who  are  surrounded  by  affluence,  who  never 
recognize  the  obligations  which  should  compel 
them  to  entertain.  Indeed,  the  plains  of  medioc- 
rity are  fertile  in  the  production  of  individuals 
who  never  do  anything  for  which  they  have  not 
an  unquestionable  and  easily  recognizable  pre- 
cedent, but  who,  through  indolence  or  a  selfish 
unwillingness  to  sacrifice  their  own  wishes  for 
the  sake  of  their  guests,  make  social  intercourse 
in  their  households  a  burden  instead  of  a  pleas- 
ure to  their  visitors.  Of  this  class  the  number 
is  so  great  that  society  does  not  know  just  what 
to  do  with  them. 

To  be  a  charming  hostess  requires  all  the 
best  qualities  of  the  legendary  angel,  combined 
with  the  fascinating  wisdom  of  the  arch-enemy. 
A  morbid  devotion  to  truthfulness  in  word,  deed, 
and  countenance  is  impossible  to  the  cordial  or 
even  the  courteous  hostess.  She  is  compelled  by 
the  sacredness  of  her  position    to  smile  though 


210 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


china  fall,"  which  virtuous  attainment,  by  the 
way,  is  the  result  not  only  of  an  intense  longing 
but  of  confidently  expecting  to  be  an  angel. 
Especially  is  this  true  of  the  prevailing  devotee 
to  that  fragile  god,  Keramos. 

We  have  been  directed  to  turn  the  other 
cheek  for  a  blow,  when  one  of  them  has  been 
spitefully  smitten,  and  it  is  fortunate  for  some 
of  us  that  this  command  did  not  read,  "  If  one 
tasse  be  ruthlessly  crushed  by  the  reckless  fiends 
of  the  china-closet,  demand  that  the  theiere  be 
broken  also."  One  would  mend  itself  in  the 
event  of  its  being  cruelly  treated,  but  the  other 
one,  helas  ! 

The  indifferent  housekeeper  can  never  be- 
come the  perfect  hostess  because,  lightly  as  we 
may  hold  the  material  comforts  of  life,  when  we 
weigh  them  against  the  nobler  quality  of  being 
loyal  to  all  the  virtues  of  heart,  soul,  and  in- 
tellect, the  smooth,  noiseless  running  of  the 
domestic  machinery  really  does  carry  the  guest 
from  his  welcome  to  his  adieus  as  if  "  flowery 
beds  of  roses"  were  the  couches  which  had  up- 
held and  rested  him.     The  grinding  which  is 


EXTENDED  VISITS. 


211 


felt  by  the  jerky  march  of  irregular  hours,  in- 
capable services,  and  food  prepared  in  an  inferior 
manner  would  wrench  from  the  most  tenacious 
memory  the  charm  of  a  cordial  welcome  given 
by  the  sweetest  of  souls.  There  are  women  who 
really  possess  the  trained  capability  of  ruling 
their  homes  with  the  perfection  of  intelligent 
authority,  and  yet  who  throw  down  the  scepter 
because  their  less  accomplished  acquaintances 
are  unable  to  wield  one  of  similar  power.  They 
intend  to  wear  their  virtues  and  acquirements 
lightly  in  order  not  to  be  too  hard  on  their  less 
competent  sisters;  this,  at  least,  is  the  indirect 
and  mischievous  but  most  amiable  confession 
which  their  household  negligence  implies. 

Besides  the  regular  domestic  drilling,  which 
can  only  be  performed  by  the  highest  officer,  an 
espr'it  de  corps  should  be  infused  into  the  family 
troop,  and  then  kept  up  by  an  unflagging  and 
unflinching  discipline.  This  formality  of  ex- 
pression, doubtless,  appears  to  be  severe,  but 
its  sentiment,  when  put  into  practice,  is  the 
very  kindest.  The  most  rigid  of  military  dis- 
ciplinarians have  always  been  the  most  beloved 


212 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


and  revered  the  world  over,  as  history  clearly 
proves,  and  the  strictest  of  commanders  and 
regulators  in  domestic  services  secure  the 
most  devotedly  attached  and  permanent  em- 
ployees. 

As  a  rule,  the  lady  who  has  inherited  large  es- 
tablishments and  large  fortunes  through  several 
succeeding  generations  is  the  finest  of  house- 
keeper, and  the  most  capable  of  disciplinarians 
in  the  management  of  her  own  home.  The 
housekeeper  who  supposes  that  to  be  indifferent 
about  excesses  in  expenditures  is  a  proof  of 
refined  elegance  and  superior  breeding,  is  alto- 
gether mistaken.  She  never  convinces  any  one 
that  her  ancestry  as  well  as  herself  have  been 
rich  so  long  that  familiarity  with  fortune  has 
bred  contempt.  If  she  has  fostered  such  an 
idea,  it  is  just  as  well  to  relinquish  it  at  once, 
because  she  is  wofully  mistaken  in  her  opinion. 
To  be  ostentatious  is  a  positive  proof  of  vulgarity, 
and  foolish  lavishness  stands  as  an  undoubted 
witness  to  the  fact  that  an  abundant  possession 
is  a  recent  acquirement.  Only  those  who  have 
been  made  intimate  with  good  fortune  through  a 


EXTEXDED  VISITS. 


213 


prolonged  familiarity,  or  by  a  supernatural  de- 
velopment of  good  sense,  are  capable  of  fully 
appreciating  its  real  value  and  its  great  power, 
and  are  able  to  apply  it  accordingly.  {^See  chapter 
on  Mistress  and  Maid.) 

There  are,  unfortunately,  too  many  women  in 
America  whose  fathers  or  husbands  have  made 
immense  sums  of  money  in  disreputable  varie- 
ties of  commerce,  and  they  naturally  feel  as 
if  they  had  difficult  positions  to  maintain  ; 
therefore  they  endeavor  to  veil  unpleasant 
facts  by  a  glamour  of  pomp  and  an  imposing 
parade  of  indifference  to  the  cost  of  their 
luxuries. 

Extravagant  outlays  of  money,  of  time,  or 
of  hospitaUties  really  never  delude  even  those 
who  benefit  by  the  golden  shower — never.  Their 
motive  or  their  silliness  is  always  perfectly  com- 
prehended, although  the  intrepretation  may  never 
find  itself  spoken  or  written  in  words.  The 
best  of  us  do  not  eat  the  salt  of  another  and 
then  publicly  quarrel  with  its  savor — of  course 
not  ;  but  the  facts  are  too  bald  not  to  be  fully 
understood  for  all  that 


214 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


The  superior  hostess  does  not  make  her  house 
a  spectacle.  She  thoughtfully  infuses  into  her 
hospitalities  the  charm  of  comfort  and  purity, 
the  sweetness  of  friendship,  the  sacredness  of 
the  relation  between  the  entertainer  and  the 
entertained  ;  and  between  herself  and  even  the 
humblest  of  her  guests  there  is  a  recognizable 
tie  which  is  as  dissimilar  to  that  which  fastens 
her  interest  to  another  guest  as  its  variation  is 
charming.  As  each  individual  is  surrounded 
by  a  characterizing  atmosphere,  both  social  and 
mental,  the  successful  hostess  depends  almost 
entirely  upon  discovering  the  peculiarities  of 
each  guest ;  and,  while  she  is  blending  them  into 
an  agreeable  harmony,  she  is  careful  not  to  per- 
mit the  distinguishing  elements  to  be  either  lost 
or  even  forgotten  in  the  general  combination  of 
individualities.  The  hostess  should  not  be  a 
leader  but  a  promoter  of  attractive  differences, 
which,  like  the  various  parts  of  music,  make  har- 
mony by  the  union  of  their  variations. 

The  silent  person  may  be  an  artist  in  song, 
painting,  or  sculpture.  The  pleasant  conversa- 
tionist may  possess   no  other  accomplishment 


EXTENDED  VISITS. 


215 


than  that  of  saying  agreeable  things  in  an  at- 
tractive manner,  and  the  pretty  woman  may 
have  no  other  gift  than  the  really  great  blessing 
of  beauty.  A  happy  hostess  is  she  who  enter- 
tains for  the  sake  of  giving  rather  than  of  ex- 
pecting to  receive  pleasure.  She  has  eyes  and 
ears  for  every  person  in  her  house,  and  she  is 
deaf  and  blind  to  every  one  at  the  same  time. 
She  is  a  discoverer  of  personal  attractions  in  her 
less  brilliant  guests,  and  she  manages  to  so  deftly 
and  delicately  adjust  these  charms  before  the 
eyes  of  her  other  visitors  that  each  supposes  that 
he  himself  found  them  all  out  by  intuition.  So 
vain  is  the  average  mortal  that  he  will  be  so 
profoundly  pleased  at  his  own  cleverness  of  per- 
ception that  he  will  forget  to  expect  words  of 
wisdom,  or  even  jingles  of  pretty  chatter,  from 
lips  that  he  has  perceived  are  shaped  in  the 
exact  arches  of  classic  perfection,  Wit  that  is 
not  cruelty,  and  learning  that  is  not  assuming, 
arrogant,  or  aggressive,  is  always  startled  into 
sound  by  a  sweet  keynote  that  is  furnished  by 
the  mistress  of  the  house.  She  touches  this  note 
at  a  point  and  during  a  moment  when  her  guest 


216  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

is  able  to  shine  with  the  greatest  brilliancy  and 
glow  with  his  finest  effects. 

A  perfect  entertainer  never  confides  her  wor- 
ries or  her  sorrows  to  an  abiding  guest,  much 
less  will  she  mention  them  to  one  whose  visit  is 
to  be  brief  or  is  only  casual.  It  would  be  lay- 
ing a  burden  upon  another  at  a  season  when 
the  sacredness  of  hospitality  should  protect  him 
from  every  unpleasant  thought. 

The  hostess,  in  sending  invitations  to  her 
chosen  guests,  mentions  the  time  when  she  will 
expect  their  arrival,  and  the  length  of  the  visit, 
and  it  must  be  a  most  unequivocally  worded 
and  cordially  pressed  invitation  that  can  induce 
a  guest  to  remain  beyond  the  period  fixed  at 
the  moment  of  the  first  acceptance  of  a  proffered 
hospitality.  There  are  not  many  occasions  when 
it  is  agreeable  to  visitors  to  disarrange  first  plans 
and  by  a  longer  stay  confuse  their  further  pro- 
jects, and  it  is  as  cordially  friendly  for  the  en- 
tertainer to  speed  the  parting  guest  as  it  is  to 
heartily  welcome  the  coming  one. 

The  hostess  sends  to  the  station  for  her 
visitors,  and  if  she  can  she  meets  ladies  in  per- 


EXTEXDED  VISITS. 


217 


son,  but  this  courtesy  is  a  part  of  friendship  and 
not  of  etiquette.  The  luggage  is  attended  to  at 
the  station  by  the  servant,  and  after  arriving  at 
the  house  the  visitor  is  detained  by  conversation 
a  short  time  in  the  drawing  or  reception  room, 
to  give  an  opportunity  for  placing  it  in  the  cham- 
ber to  which  the  guest  is  assigned.  The  hostess 
is  not  expected  to  shov\^  this  room  herself  to  the 
lady  friend,  but  she  sometimes  goes  with  her 
guest  as  an  especial  mark  of  welcome,  and  the 
host  does  the  same  for  the  man  visitor  if  it  be 
convenient.  Hosts  inform  their  guests  of  the 
hours  for  meals,  and  leave  them  at  liberty  to 
adapt  themselves  to  the  customs  of  the  house, 
which,  of  course,  they  will  do  if  they  are  well 
bred.  They  find  all  needful  comforts  in  v/ait- 
ing,  including  stationery,  and,  if  circumstances 
permit,  the  lady  will  find  flowers  to  welcome 
her. 

When  they  depart,  if  it  be  by  an  early  train, 
they  take  leave  of  their  hosts  the  night  before, 
insisting  upon  a  quiet  departure,  should  an  offer 
be  made  to  see  them  in  the  morning.  In  houses 
where  much  visiting  is  done,  as  is  the  custom 


218 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


in  some  country  residences,  an  early  breakfast 
would  be  the  constant  fate  of  entertainers,  hence 
the  custom  of  making  adieus  the  previous  night. 
Well-trained  domestics  arrange  everything  that 
makes  departures  easy,  and  the  guest  recognizes 
this  attention  both  by  thanks  and  also  by  any 
other  method  that  individuals  select.  A  small 
fee  is  given  to  the  maid  who  has  served  a  lady, 
and  a  gentleman  remembers  the  man  who  has 
cared  for  his  attire,  and  certainly  a  driver  to 
an  early  train  should  be  rewarded,  but  not  after 
the  English  fashion.  Indeed,  most  of  our  en- 
tertainers prefer  that  no  tips  "  at  all  should  be 
given  to  their  servants,  on  the  plea  that  their 
wages  are  ample,  and  that  the  host  prefers  to 
meet  all  the  expense  of  hospitality — and  he  is 
right.  The  custom  of  fees  is  mentioned  here 
not  because  it  is  right,  for  such  gifts  of  money 
really  lower  the  dignity  and  self-respect  of  a 
domestic,  but  because  this  chapter  relates  what 
are  the  formulas  of  extended  visits,  and  not 
wholly  what  they  should  be. 

As  was  said  before,  the  fine  spirit  of  hospi- 
tality inspires  one  to  bestow  pleasure  rather  than 


EXTENDED   VISITS.  219 

seek  it.  The  hostess  is  supposed  to  be  the  giver, 
and  not  the  receiver  of  delights  ;  and  if  she  feel 
a  deep  gratification  in  entertaining  her  friends, 
it  must  always  be  through  a  reflected  rather  than 
a  direct  happiness. 


\ 


XIX. 


MISTRESS  AND  MAID. 

Nothing  gives  a  more  disagreeable  impres- 
sion to  a  visitor  than  an  unpleasant  or  ill-man- 
nered person  at  the  entrance  of  a  house,  unless 
it  be  the  creaking  and  grinding  of  an  imperfect 
domestic  machinery  while  one  is  a  guest. 

It  is  a  misfortune  in  the  selection  of  domes- 
tics, an  ignorance  in  their  management,  a  tyranny 
or  a  vulgar  lack  of  dignity  on  the  part  of  the 
mistress,  or  it  is  her  natural  incapacity  to  be 
that  sort  of  queen  in  her  own  realm  which  first 
wins  respect  and  then  gracefully  compels  a  will- 
ing orderliness  and  a  satisfactory  service,  that 
causes  untranquil  homes.  Which  can  it  be }  is 
the  involuntary  question  that  visitors  ask  of 
themselves.  It  may  be  only  an  unfamiliarity 
with  the  management  of  a  corps  of  servants  who 
have  not  themselves  been  properly  instructed 


MISTRESS  AND  MAID. 


221 


and  drilled  to  work  easily  and  harmoniously- 
together. 

In  America  large  households  are  seldom  able 
to  secure  that  efficient  treasure — a  trained  house- 
keeper— and,  strange  to  say,  few  mistresses  like 
to  have  such  a  person  stand  between  themselves 
and  all  the  fret  of  care,  even  when  their  financial 
and  social  circumstances  would  make  such  a  per- 
son not  only  desirable  but  a  necessity  in  England 
or  France.  When  good  housekeepers  are  re- 
quired, and  possible  to  get,  they  assume  all  the 
management  of  the  domestics,  issue  all  the  com- 
mands, and  see  that  they  are  obeyed.  They 
purchase  and  give  out  the  stores  of  food  and 
linen,  keep  the  accounts,  and  take  orders  only 
from  the  master  and  mistress.  This  person  has 
a  chamber  and  sitting-room  of  her  own.  In  the 
latter  she  takes  her  meals,  which  are  prepared 
by  the  cook's  assistant.  In  this  room  she  re- 
ceives her  visitors.  If  there  is  a  lady's  maid,  a 
nursery  governess,  or  an  upper  nurse,  these  per- 
sons eat  with  her.  Their  dinner  is  served  in 
the  middle  of  the  day,  and  their  supper  at  six 
o'clock,  whenever  the  family  dine  at  seven  or 


222 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


later,  and  the  other  servants  have  supper  im- 
mediately afterward. 

The  upper  servants  are  on  duty  early  in  the 
evening.  The  mistress  and  daughters  are  to  be 
dressed  by  the  maid,  and,  perhaps,  accompanied 
to  parties.  The  nursery  governess  sits  with  the 
children  and  reads  or  talks  to  them  before  they 
go  to  sleep. 

Most  American  ladies  delegate  only  a  part  of 
the  domestic  care  to  their  housekeepers,  in  which 
instance  this  upper  domestic  is  usually  called, 
and  really  is,  a  working  housekeeper.  Such  as- 
sistants make  the  fine  desserts,  do  the  marketing, 
care  for  the  linen,  count  and  mend  it,  and  also 
do  the  family  mending,  if  there  be  no  maid,  and 
they  report  such  matters  to  the  mistress  as  the 
head  of  the  house  ought  to  know.  If  there  is 
a  maid,  and  she  is  a  hair- dresser,  dress-maker, 
milliner,  lace  mender,  etc.,  the  housekeeper  in 
not  over-large  or  excessively  hospitable  families 
has  the  entire  care  of  all  the  personal  linen  that 
is  not  lace  trimmed.  She  visits  all  the  chambers 
every  day,  and  sees  that  they  are  properly  aired 
and  cared  for,  and  that  matches,  lamps,  candles, 


MISTRESS  A.VD  MAID. 


22B 


etc.,  are  in  order  (if  such  be  used),  also  that 
paper,  ink,  and  et  caeteras  are  supplied  to  the 
visitor,  and  that  soap,  towels,  and  the  like,  are 
fresh  and  abundant. 

She  also  takes  care  of  certain  desserts  and 
unfinished  bottles  of  wine  left  from  the  dinner, 
and  locks  them  away,  provided  there  is  no  butler. 

If  there  is  a  butler,  he  is  held  responsible  for 
these  things,  and  also  for  a  proper  serving  of  the 
breakfast,  the  luncheon,  five  o'clock  tea,  and  the 
dinner.  If  there  are  one  or  more  footmen,  the 
butler  trains  and  directs  them,  and  sees  that  they 
are  properly  dressed  and  do  their  duties  promptly 
and  perfectly.  He  has  care  of  the  wines,  and,  if 
an  old  family  servant,  he  is  sometimes  trusted 
with  the  key  to  the  wine-cellar.  This  key  is 
kept  by  the  housekeeper  or  the  mistress,  though 
sometimes  the  master  retains  it,  and  orders  out 
such  bottles  as  he  desires  for  a  day  or  week,  and 
then  he  receives  the  key  again.  Now  and  then 
he  inspects  and  takes  an  inventory  of  his  wines. 
The  butler  is  responsible  for  the  silver,  the  fine 
china,  the  cut  glass,  and  all  the  rare  jellies,  fruits, 
nuts,  confections,  etc.,  that  accompany  desserts, 
15 


224 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


and  have  been  given  out  to  him  in  quantities. 
In  some  families  he  stands  behind  the  chair  of 
the  mistress,  and  in  some  of  the  master.  His 
placing  is  a  matter  for  the  family  to  decide,  and 
not  for  the  butler  to  choose.  He  may  have  one 
or  more  footmen  to  serve  under  him  at  dinner, 
but  he  is  seldom  assisted  at  other  meals. 

If  the  corps  of  servants  is  small,  and  there  is 
no  valet  or  groom  of  the  chambers,  he  waits 
upon  the  master,  caring  for  the  condition  of  the 
library,  the  smoking  and  billiard  room,  arranges 
in  their  proper  places  the  latest  journals  and 
magazines,  with  paper  knife  upon  them.  He 
waits  upon  the  door,  makes  the  salads,  polishes 
the  silver,  dresses  the  table,  rises  early  and  looks 
after  the  boots,  and  attends  to  the  open  fires  and 
lamps.  Sometimes  he  also  cleans  the  windows, 
but  in  large  establishments  windows,  doorsteps, 
and  sidewalk,  boots,  lamps,  fires,  and  silver  pol- 
ishing are  attended  to  by  the  under  footman, 
and  the  butler  is  responsible  for  a  proper  per- 
formance of  this  work.  When  the  first  footman 
serves  at  the  door,  assists  at  the  table,  cares  for 
the  drawing-room,  carries  messages,  goes  out 


MISTRESS  AND  MAID. 


225 


upon  the  box  with  the  coachman  when  the  ladies 
drive,  or  as  groom  in  the  saddle,  the  butler  at- 
tends the  door  in  his  absence.  In  return  this 
first  footman  assists  in  laying  the  table  and 
cleaning  the  glass  and  china,  when  not  other- 
wise occupied. 

The  lady's  maid  in  America,  if  there  is  no 
housekeeper  with  a  dining  or  sitting-room  in 
which  she  may  share,  eats  with  the  other  ser- 
vants, and  if  wise  she  makes  herself  generally 
agreeable,  and,  indeed,  almost  indispensable  to 
the  family.  She  should  understand  cutting  and 
fitting  all  but  the  most  ceremonious  of  dresses, 
also  the  making  of  them.  She  must  be  able  to 
pack  trunks  with  skill,  dress  hair  and  keep  the 
scalp  in  a  healthy  condition,  clean  and  mend 
laces,  go  out  with  the  lady  or  her  daughters, 
shop  with  taste  and  discretion,  prepare  a  bath, 
look  after  costumes  that  have  been  taken  off 
after  a  drive,  a  ride,  a  dinner,  or  a  ball,  and  put 
them  away,  and  also  have  in  waiting  suitable 
articles  of  toilette  for  each  occasion  as  it  arrives, 
and  be  always  in  prompt  readiness  for  any  change 
of  plan. 


226 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


When  she  does  not  accompany  her  mistress 
to  a  party,  unless  she  has  been  given  the  even- 
ing, it  is  expected  that  she  wait  up  for  her,  help- 
ing to  undress  her,  and  brush  out  and  prepare 
her  hair  for  the  night. 

If  it  is  the  lady's  custom,  she  prepares  for 
her  a  hot  cup  of  tea  or  chocolate.  Sometimes 
she  is  expected  also  to  look  after  the  cut  flowers 
or  the  growing  plants,  or  take  out  the  pet  dog 
for  an  airing  or  give  it  a  bath,  but  all  these  mat- 
ters are  mentioned  and  settled  when  she  is  en- 
gaged, so  that  she  may  at  once  refuse  such 
occupations,  or  hold  her  place  and  do  her  duties 
cheerfully  and  with  alacrity.  At  the  same  time 
she  is  made  acquainted  with  the  style  of  dress 
she  is  expected  to  wear,  and  she  must  always  be 
tidy  in  appearance,  respectful  and  pleasant  in 
manner,  in  which  case  she  has  a  right  to  appre- 
ciation and  a  fair  compensation  according  to  her 
capacity  or  skill. 

The  nursery  governess  is  usually  a  French  or 
a  German  woman  with  a  fair  education,  good 
manners,  a  controlled  temper,  and  an  unques- 
tionable character.     Her  charge  is  over  such 


MISTRESS  AND  MAID. 


227 


children  as  are  not  far  on  in  learning.  She 
teaches  them  to  speak  correctly  in  her  own 
language,  to  conduct  themselves  in  becoming, 
pleasant,  and  courteous  ways  toward  each  other 
and  everybody  else.  She  washes,  dresses,  and 
reads  to  them,  walks  and  drives  with  them, 
instructs  them  in  table  manners,  always  eating 
with  them,  and  generally  she  has  the  entire 
management  of  their  outings. 

The  nursery  maid  performs  all  their  chamber 
work,  washes  the  clothing  of  the  governess,  un- 
less other  arrangements  are  made  by  the  mis- 
tress, serves  them  at  table  if  they  eat  in  the 
nursery,  and  waits  upon  them  promptly  and 
cheerfully,  according  to  the  directions  of  the 
governess. 

When  the  children  are  too  old  to  require  a 
nursery  maid,  the  cook's  assistant  serves  the 
meals  in  the  nursery  and  waits  upon  this  table, 
which  should  always  be  abundant,  perfectly 
cooked,  and  nicely  served,  but  not  rich  in  qual- 
ity or  consisting  of  too  great  a  variety  of  food  at 
one  meal. 

The  housekeeper  usually  wears  a  tiny  cap  or 


228 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


half  square  of  white  mull  or  lace,  a  black  cash- 
mere or  silk  dress,  and  in  the  morning  a  black 
silk  or  alpaca  apron,  or,  if  she  prefer  it,  a  white 
apron  of  moderate  size. 

The  nursery  governess  does  not  wear  a  cap, 
but  she  usually  prefers  a  gray,  brown,  or  a  black 
costume,  simply  but  neatly  made,  and  an  apron 
of  any  dainty  fabric  while  she  is  in  the  nursery. 
When  she  goes  out  to  drive  or  to  walk  with  the 
children  she  is  clothed  as  any  gentlewoman  may 
be  who  is  not  a  devotee  to  society. 

A  dining-room  and  parlor  maid,  if  there  is  or 
is  not  a  butler,  wears  a  light-colored  cotton  dress, 
neatly  and  simply  made,  a  large  cambric  or  linen 
apron,  a  muslin  cap,  and  silent  shoes.  The  head 
nurse,  who  has  the  entire  care  of  infants  night 
and  day,  wears  soft  dark  wool  or  light-colored 
cotton  dresses,  large  aprons,  and  ruffled  caps 
with  an  Alsatian  bow  in  front  and  long  ends  at 
the  back. 

The  butler  wears  a  dress  suit  and  white  tie 
at  dinner  time,  and  the  footmen  are- dressed  in 
a  livery  that  has  been  adopted  by  the  family. 
All  the  men  are  careful  to  wear  noiseless  house 


MISTRESS  AND  MAID. 


229 


shoes,  are  smoothly  shaven,  brush  their  hair  in 
tidy  fashion,  and  keep  it  cut  rather  short.  They 
wear  fresh  white  cotton  gloves  while  serving  at 
table. 

Some  families  put  their  butlers  in  livery,  and 
this  house  dress  corresponds  with  that  of  the 
coachman  in  its  hue,  its  buttons,  etc.  As  a  gen- 
eral thing,  however,  x\mericans  do  not  ask  this 
man  to  wear  the  family  colors.  Liveries  are 
furnished  by  the  employer. 

.The  kitchen  servants  dress  to  suit  their  own 
tastes,  but  the  mistresses  of  all  well-ordered  es- 
tablishments insist  upon  neat,  serviceable,  and 
suitable  attire  throughout  her  house.  This  much 
all  servants  owe  to  their  employers,  and  a  con- 
siderate mistress  will  never  present  them  with 
her  own  cast-off  fineries.  It  demoralizes  certain 
characters,  and  is  an  offense  to  the  self-respect 
of  others. 

The  table  provided  for  the  domestics  is  al- 
ways good,  plentiful,  and  properly  served.  Gen- 
erally it  is  cooked  by  the  assistant  or  kitchen 
maid,  the  chef  not  being  expected  to  prepare 
such  simple  food  unless  he  chooses  to  do  so. 


230 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


Of  course  in  a  republic,  where  every  indi- 
vidual householder  has  a  perfect  right  to  ar- 
range his  affairs  to  please  himself,  there  is  and 
will  be,  for  at  least  a  long  time  to  come,  a  some- 
what unsettled  code  for  domestic  service,  but 
the  earlier  there  is  a  general  uniformity  of  es- 
tabUshed  regulations  for  mistress  and  maid  the 
happier  will  it  be  for  both. 

Such  of  our  citizens  as  have  sufficient  ambi- 
tion to  live  after  a  fashion  that  is  befitting  large 
incomes  are  glad  to  learn  the  most  satisfactory 
methods  of  enjoying  hospitality  and  social  life 
at  home,  but  the  rich  are,  and  always  will  be,  in 
a  small  minority  when  compared  with  the  num- 
bers of  families  who  possess  but  moderate  in- 
comes, and  these  be  they  to  whom,  or  for  whom, 
the  remainder  of  this  chapter  is  especially  and 
respectfully  devoted. 

Good  form  in  every  family  is  always  practiced 
by  each  member  of  it,  and  is  always  exacted  of 
those  who  enter  upon  its  service.  It  brings 
comfort  and  tranquillity  into  the  home,  and  it 
makes  these  blessings  abiding  ones.  Domestics 
are  frequently  mentioned  as  "dependents,"  but 


MISTRESS  AND  MAID. 


231 


the  mistress,  and  indeed  each  member  of  the 
household,  is  as  much  a  dependent,  in  the  strict- 
est meaning  of  the  word,  as  are  those  other  ones 
who  enter  the  house  for  wages  and  remain  at 
the  service  and  in  the  interest  of  those  who  pay 
them. 

When  a  money  compensation  is  given  to  the 
servant,  too  many  mistresses  convince  them- 
selves that  they  have  fulfilled  all  their  part  of 
the  compact,  but  they  have  not  by  any  means, 
as  they  would  soon  discover  could  they  be  trans- 
planted into  the  heart  of  some  good  Old  World 
family,  where  the  mistress  is  the  maid's  protector, 
and  the  man  and  maid  are  faithful  servants,  also 
loyal  and  respectful  friends.  This  relation  it  is 
which  wins  those  zealous  services  which  the 
American  reads  about,  talks  about,  and  longs 
for  with  an  eager  envy.  And  this  happy  fortune 
which  fails  to  reach  their  own  households  some- 
times raises  in  them  a  resentment  which  they 
unintentionally  and  indirectly  inflict  upon  their 
own  inferior  domestics.  It  is  possible,  even 
probable,  that  in  America  it  is  to  our  hitherto 
unsettled  relation  between  mistress  and  maid 


232 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


that  we  owe  much  of  our  discomfort.  In  Eng- 
land, France,  and  Germany  the  members  of  one 
class  of  citizens  have  and  hold  their  own  dis- 
tinct social  positions  with  as  much  dignity  and 
self-respect  as  the  other  grade  whom  they  serve, 
and  each  class  performs  the  duty  belonging  to 
its  order  with  as  careful  exactitude  and  as  clear 
and  conscientious  a  sense  of  moral  and  social 
obligation  as  the  other.  There  is  a  difference 
in  these  separate  duties,  but  not  in  the  spirit  or 
skill  of  their  execution. 

New  York,  more  clearly  than  lesser  cities, 
has  already  learned  this  lesson  of  mutual  rela- 
tionship and  independence.  Indeed,  some  of  its 
oldest  and  most  influential  social  leaders  wisely 
sought  intelligence  upon  these  vital  subjects  from 
such  foreign  households  as  have  enjoyed  cen- 
turies of  established  tranquillity  and  comfort, 
and  the  result  of  their  acquired  knowledge  is 
already  felt,  and  is  spreading.  These  families 
have  applied  such  imported  formulas  for  the 
mutual  relationships  of  employer  and  employed 
as  it  was  deemed  possible  and  wise  to  transplant 
to  a  republic. 


MISTRESS  AND  MAID. 


233 


This  city  has  already  made  a  far  better  and 
more  satisfactory  condition  for  ambitious  domes- 
tics, and  there  is  also  a  more  friendly  and  sympa- 
thetic attitude  of  mind  felt  and  expressed  toward 
them  by  their  employers,  than  was  known  to 
either  of  them  a  few  years  ago. 

The  relations  established  between  mistress 
and  maid,  in  both  elaborate  and  simple  estab- 
lishments, are  becoming  better  and  better- since 
mutual  obligations  are  understood  and  cordially 
approved.  Those  regulations  for  service  which 
are  needful  and  satisfactory  in  other  countries 
have  necessarily  been,  modified  to  suit  our  freer 
and  better  educated  working  people,  but  such 
unwritten  laws  as  have  been  arranged  for  the 
guidance  of  employer  and  employed  are  as  in- 
flexible as  it  is  wise  or  kind  to  maintain  them  at 
this  grade  of  our  civilization.  None  feels  the 
fret  or  friction  of  wise  laws  or  regulations  either 
public  or  private.  On  the  contrary,  the  family 
code  is  as  much  a  protection  against  injustice  as 
those  laws  that  have  been  enacted  by  the  State. 

In  none  of  the  conditions  or  happenings  of 
life  is  considerateness  and  courtesy  or  discour- 


234 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


tesy,  appreciation  or  indifference,  of  more  value 
and  importance  than  that  which  superior  persons 
are  able  to  bestow  or  to  inflict  upon  those  who 
serve  them. 

If  domestics  are  ignorant  of  their  duties,  and 
the  mistress  is  inclined  to  retain  the  unin- 
structed,  she  is  quite  as  much  under  obligation 
to  teach  them  kindly,  patiently,  and  thoroughly, 
as  she  is  to  compensate  them  with  money. 

This  duty  is  demanded  of  her  by  a  rigid 
social  etiquette.  Its  performance  is  exacted  by 
society  at  large,  because  it  is  realized  that  the 
domestic  which  is  hers  to-day  may  be  in  the 
service  of  her  neighbor,  and  perhaps  of  her 
friend,  to-morrow,  consequently  she  is  passing  on 
to  others  a  capacity  for  skilled  work  and  perfect 
domestic  manners  that  were  bred  in  her  home 
and  under  her  personal  influence. 

Even  without  a  strong  sense  of  the  continuity 
of  excellence  in  service,  all  good  and  thought- 
ful women  are  ruled,  either  consciously  or  un- 
consciously, by  that  brief  but  potent  sentence, 
noblesse  oblige'' 

Friendliness  toward  those  who  are  under  our 


MISTRESS  AND  MAID. 


235 


roofs,  but  who  are  not  of  our  blood  or  grade,  is 
easily  made  consistent  by  a  simplicity,  directness, 
and  dignity  of  speech  and  manners.  Genuine 
kindliness  is  boundless  in  its  influences  over  un- 
tutored minds,  and  it  is  sure  to  express  itself  by 
a  faithful  love  that  binds  the  heart  firmly  and 
lastingly  to  the  person  and  to  the  interests  of 
such  mistresses  as  are  generous  enough  or  sym- 
pathetic enough,  or  even  wise  enough,  to  prac- 
tice it. 

The  mistress  should  clearly  understand  ex- 
actly what  service  she  has  a  right  to  expect  of 
each  one  of  her  domestics,  and  these  duties  she 
should  explain  clearly  and  in  detail  to  them 
when  she  proposes  to  employ  them,  and  also 
the  hours  during  which  she  shall  demand  their 
fulfillment. 

When  she  parts  from  them  she  owes  it  to 
each  of  them,  to  herself,  and  also  to  their  future 
employers,  to  be  candid  and  strictly  ingenuous 
in  the  characters  which  she  gives  to  them,  even 
though  she  be  strongly  tempted  by  compassion 
and  generosity  to  conceal  their  faults,  or  by 
vexation  to  withhold  their  virtues.    By  being 


230  . 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


assured  that  such  justice  and  truthfulness  are  in- 
evitable, and  that  no  gentlewoman  will  stoop  to 
evade  facts,  a  higher  standard  of  excellence  will 
be  striven  after  by  all  worthy  domestics,  and  the 
mistress  will  all  the  more  readily  assist  and  in- 
struct them  how  to  attain  skill,  promptness,  good 
manners,  self  -  respect,  and,  as  a  consequence, 
they  will  become  more  valuable  to  themselves 
and  also  to  their  employers. 


XX. 


ADDRESSES  AND  SIGNATURES. 

After  a  lady  is  married,  it  is  a  near  and  dear 
relationship  or  friendship  that  justifies  the  use 
of  the  name  by  which  she  was  christened,  when 
speaking,  writing,  or  mentioning  her.  Familiar- 
ity that  is  unwarranted  is  either  a  discourtesy  or 
a  vulgarity,  and  not  infrequently  it  is  both. 

A  lady  who  has  not  been  married,  and  is  no 
longer  young,  should  be  addressed  and  men- 
tioned by  every  one,  except  her  household,  with 
the  prefix  of  Miss  before  her  name,  even  though 
the  number  of  daughters  in  her  family  make  it 
necessary,  for  the  sake  of  definiteness,  to  include 
her  baptismal  name  also  when  mentioning  her. 
To  use  a  first  name  when  conversing  with  an 
elderly  unmarried  woman  is  in  bad  form.  Had 
the  fine  old  custom  been  retained  of  addressing 
matrons  and  all  unwedded  women  who  were  no 
longer  youthful  as  Mistress   ,  speech  with 


238 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


them  would  be  far  more  elegant  than  it  is — Mrs., 
as  a  word,  meaning  nothing.    In  notes  and  speech 

a  young  unmarried  lady  is  addressed  as  Miss  

by  gentlemen,  mere  acquaintances,  and  servants, 
but  her  own  family  and  kinsfolk,  also  her  inti- 
mate friends,  call  her  by  the  name  which  was 
given  to  her  at  baptism,  and  it  is  not  considered 
in  good  form  to  speak  to  or  of  her  otherwise. 
The  use  of  Miss  by  her  own  circle  leaves  no 
distinctive  method  by  which  remoter  persons 
may  speak  to  or  of  a  young  girl. 

This  formality  may  be  criticised  by  captious 
and  inelegant  people,  but  the  fact  that  it  is  ac- 
cording to  the  usages  of  the  very  best  society, 
gives  a  law  for  it  that  is  permanent,  and  has  an 
excellent  underlying  reason  for  its  establishment. 

It  is  an  impertinence  for  a  man  who  is  not 
a  kinsman,  or  a  fia?ice\  to  write  to,  speak  to,  or 
speak  of,  a  lady  by  her  bapiismal  name,  even 
though  a  friendship  of  long  standing  exists  be- 
tween them.  For  a  dear  woman  friend  to  speak 
to,  or,  indeed,  of  her  by  any  but  her  first  name, 
except  to  a  social  inferior,  would  be  inelegant, 
for  reasons  before  given. 


ADDRESSES  AND  SIGNATURES.  239 


When  writing  to  a  married  woman,  the  en- 
velope is  always  addressed  to  her  husband's 
name,  with  the  invariable  and  clear  prefix  of 
"  Mrs.,"  except  it  be  a  business  note  which  con- 
cerns her  separate  material  and  personal  affairs. 

A  mere  acquaintance  or  stranger  will  again 
address  her  upon  the  page  of  the  letter  in 
the  same  manner,  prefacing  it  with  Dear 
Madam."  If  it  be  a  social  note  written  to  one 
who  is  but  slightly  acquainted  with  the  author, 
it  may  be  prefixed  by  "  Dear  Mrs.  Blank."  If  a 
more  cordial  relation  exists,  it  may  be  My  dear 
Mrs.  Blank,"  but  friends  may  address  each  other 
as  they  please.  For  the  near  and  dear  there  is 
no  law. 

An  acquaintance  may  sign  himself  or  herself 
"  Truly  your  friend,"  even  though  it  would  be  al- 
together too  familiar  to  address  a  woman  as  such. 

The  stranger's  note,  also  that  of  the  business 
writer,  may  close  with  ''Yours  truly,"  "Yours 
respectfully,"  or  "obediently,"  according  to  cir- 
cumstances. It  may  be  "Gratefully  yours," 
"Regretfully  yours,"  etc.,  according  to  condi- 
tions. 

i6 


240  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


A  letter  should  be  signed  by  the  writer's  full 
name,  or  at  least  by  two  names,  and  if  there  are 
more  than  that  belonging  to  the  correspondent,  it 
is  a  matter  of  habit  whether  they  be  written  out 
or  their  initials  be  used  to  signify  them.  Good 
taste  refuses  to  omit  them. 

It  is  claimed  by  some  persons,  who  are  al- 
ways demanding  something  - or  other,  that  if  a 
man  has  a  right  to  sign  his  initials  only  as  a 
prefix  to  his  last  name,  a  woman  should  be  given 
the  same  privilege  ;  and  so  she  ought,  if  it  be  an 
advantage  or  a  blessing,  which,  by  the  way,  it  is 
not,  or,  if  it  be,  it  is  seldom  used  by  men  of  cul- 
tivation. If  haste  is  the  reason  for  writing  in- 
itials, too  little  time  is  gained  by  shortening 
one's  signature  to  make  justifiable  a  vagueness 
in  one's  address.  Sometimes  one's  sponsors  have 
bestowed  so  unpleasant  a  name  that  it  is  almost 
always  a  suspected  infliction  whenever  the  cog- 
nomen is  not  written  out  in  full  at  the  close  of  a 
stranger's  letter.  The  value  of  time  and  the 
cost  of  effort  seldom  enter  one's  mind  when 
studying  an  abbreviated  signature,  though  doubt- 
less it  would  be  charitable  and  generous  to  do 


ADDRESSES  AND  SIGNATURES.  241 


so,  instead  of  suspecting  the  writer  of  curt- 
ness. 

Brevity  is  not  infrequently  held  to  be  a  dis- 
courtesy where  it  plainly  indicates  an  unwill- 
ingness to  expend  time  or  effort  upon  a  corre- 
spondent. A  married  lady,  if  she  respects  the 
co7ii'e nance Sy  never  prefixes  "  Mrs."  to  her  signa- 
ture, except  she  is  writing  to  a  stranger  who 
can  not  know  her  relationship,  in  which  case  she 
encloses  it  in  brackets,  thus  :  [Mrs.].  Some- 
times, when  there  is  a  needful  formality  in  the 
letter,  or  it  is  important  that  no  mistake  be 
made  about  its  authorship,  she  may  sign  her 
own  name  in  full,  and  beneath  it,  in  brackets, 
her  husband's,  just  as  she  would  order  it  en- 
graved upon  her  visiting-card. 

If  she  is  a  widow,  at  any  time  within  three 
years  she  may  continue  the  use  of  this  explana- 
tory signature,  after  which,  if  her  late  husband's 
name  need  be  mentioned  at  all,  she  writes  it  in 
parenthesis,  thus  : 

{Wido-v  of  the  late  Mr.  A.  A.  Blank.) 
The  unmarried  lady  encloses  [Ivliss]  before 


242 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


her  signature,  when  it  is  essential  that  her  iden- 
tity be  perfectly  understood. 

A  married  lady  may  sign  herself  Mrs.  Blank, 
and  an  unmarried  one  Miss  Blank,  or  Miss  Polly 
Blank,  when  writing  to  butcher,  baker,  or  any 
other  domestic  order,  and  the  date  and  address 
upon  it  will  prove  a  sufficient  direction  for  its 
response. 

An  attention  to  these  little,  but  by  no  means 
insignificant,  details  by  such  persons  as  have 
missed  an  early  instruction  in  regard  to  them, 
will  prove  to  be  of  greater  value  to  them  than 
they  may  suspect.  A  familiarity  with  the  eti- 
quette of  correspondence  may  not  establish  as 
a  fact  that  the  one  who  conducts  his  affairs  ac- 
cording to  the  habits  of  good  society  was  really 
born  to  such  refinements  of  manner  and  to  such 
delicate  usages,  neither  does  it  disprove  a  good 
birth  if  he  practices  them,  though  an  absence  of 
attention  to  these  little  marks  of  familiarity  with 
the  habits  of  cultivated  people  is  sure  to  place 
him  unpleasantly  in  the  esteem  of  those  to  whom 
he  addresses  letters. 

Letter  paper  should  be  fine  and  plain,  and 


ADDRESSES  AND  SIGNATURES.  243 


for  ordinary  notes  neither  crest  nor  cipher 
should  be  upon  it,  though  the  latter  ornaments 
may  be  used  for  such  letters  as  are  ceremonious, 
or  are  of  such  a  friendly  nature  that  they  are 
likely  to  be  preserved. 

Postal  cards  are  only  for  business  of  an  un- 
important character,  and  ladies  seldom  use  them 
at  all,  except  as  messengers  sent  to  a  shopkeeper 
with  an  order. 

All  notes  receive  an  immediate  reply,  but  let- 
ters are  answered  according  to  sentiment  and 
occasion,  if  between  friend  and  friend.  A 
stranger's  letter,  also  that  of  a  casual  acquaint- 
ance, receives  an  early  answer  from  considerate 
persons.  There  was  a  time  when,  if  a  stranger 
wrote  a  letter  that  required  an  answer,  he  en- 
closed the  postage  to  prepay  its  delivery,  but  in 
these  days  of  inexpensive  mail  service  such  an 
enclosure  would  be  an  offense,  except  between 
business  men. 

Letters  of  friendship  and  courtesy,  also  cere- 
monious notes  of  all  varieties,  are  sealed  by  wax, 
the  color  of  which  suits  the  taste.  When  the 
writer  is  in  mourning,  black  wax  rather  than 


244 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


black-bordered  paper  is  in  good  taste.  The 
seal  may  be  a  crest,  a  cipher,  an  initial,  a 
motto,  or  a  favorite  ring.  This  return  to  us  of 
a  fine  old  custom  offers  a  wide  range  for  the 
uses  of  significant  objects  and  sentiments. 


XXL 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  CHILDREN. 

"Whom  the  gods  destroy  they  first  make 
mad,"  said  a  wise  and  truthful  old  heathen. 
More  than  likely  he  had  fond  and  foolish  par- 
ents in  his  mind  when  he  uttered  this  pathetic 
bit  of  truth,  because  destruction  of  whatever 
makes  life  a  satisfaction  is  almost  sure  to  fall 
from  .he  hands  of  spoiled  children.  The  fret- 
ful, unhappy,  and  intolerable  small  person  is  the 
one  who  is  thrust  forward  into  the  notice  of 
visitors,  some  of  whom  flatter  it  by  praising  its 
beauty,  its  witlings,  and  immaturities,  while 
others,  being  bored  or  disgusted,  treat  the  young 
being  unpleasantly,  simply  because  they  are  un- 
able to  otherwise  punish  the  parent,  to  whom 
all  the  disapproval  properly  belongs,  and  of 
whom  guests  are  sure  to  be  thinking  whenever 
they  rebuff  the  infant. 

Such  children  are  uncertain  of  their  posi- 


246 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


tions  in  the  world  of  grown  folk,  but  they  know 
quit3  enough  to  be  dissatisfied  with  the  insta- 
bility of  their  honors,  and  they  usually  express 
their  emotions  upon  this  subject  by  most  em- 
phatic and  disagreeable  methods.  Sometimes  it 
is  a  wailing  insistence  upon  attention,  and  not 
infrequently  it  demands  its  supposed  rights  by 
more  active  measures. 

Those  little  men  and  women  who  were  born 
of  wise  mothers  have  a  domain  of  their  own,  and 
there  they  are  more  themselves.  Their  rights 
are  respected,  their  wrongs  adjusted,  and  they 
receive  respectful  attention  upon  their  own  levels 
and  according  to  their  own  grades.  Such  chil- 
dren having  been  taught  that  they  have  not  yet 
attained  any  recognized  rights  in  society,  are 
likely  to  prefer  their  nurseries,  or  at  least  that 
world  to  which  they  properly  belong,  and  for  the 
most  part  such  children  are  happy  and  attrac- 
tive. 

On  seeing  a  crusty  bachelor  enjoy  a  romp 
with  a  small  toddler  whom  he  found  in  the  gar- 
den, a  surprised  friend  said  to  him  :  "  But  you 
dislike  children,  don't  you  know?"    "On  the 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  CHILDREN.  247 

contrary,  I  like  them  very  much,  but  for  the 
most  part,  oh,  how  I  do  loathe  mothers  !  It  is 
they  who  make  the  child  disagreeable.  Nature 
doesn't  do  it."  He  was  right,  and  society  has 
found  out  the  same  thing,  and  none  too  soon  ; 
consequently  the  average  small  child  has  be- 
come healthier  and  happier,  than  it  once  was,  in 
this  great  metropolis.  It  now  has  its  clearly 
defined  rights,  its  wholesome  and  regular  meals, 
its  proper  clothing,  and  its  simple  amusements, 
and  also  its  fixed  holidays. 

As  a  rule  in  New  York,  the  lass  and  lad  who 
are  yet  students  have  their  breakfast  at  an  ear- 
lier hour  than  their  parents  do,  and  the  governess 
presides  at  the  table,  taking  her  own  first  meal 
with  them,  or,  if  she  chooses,  with  the  still  young- 
er people  in  the  nursery.  If  the  smallest  one  of 
the  family  is  old  enough  to  feed  itself  properly, 
it  is  likely  to  take  its  breakfast  with  its  brothers 
and  sisters.  The  table  manners  of  the  group  are 
under  the  care  of  the  presiding  lady,  and  she  has 
full  authority  to  advise  and  correct,  and  in  fami- 
lies of  fine  breeding  and  cultivation  her  direc- 
tions are  not  only  sustained  but  admired  and 


248 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


approved.  Having  been  placed  over  the  chil- 
dren because  of  her  superior  qualities,  she  stands 
to  them  instead  of  parents  whenever  the  latter 
are  absent.  Indeed,  she  maintains  her  watch- 
ful attitude  over  them,  and  issues  all  needful 
rebukes  to  them,  even  in  the  mother's  presence, 
if  the  law  is  placed  wholly  in  her  hands,  as  it 
not  unfrequently  is,  and  ought  to  be,  when  she 
is  worthy  to  command. 

After  breakfast  the  governess  sometimes 
walks  to  school  with  the  elder  girls,  leaving  the 
nursery  pupils  at  their  books  under  the  care  or 
the  head  nurse,  or,  perhaps,  if  the  weather  be 
fine,  they  all  go  out  for  a  walk  at  the  same  time. 
Sometimes  a  maid  accompanies  the  girls  and 
smaller  boys  to  their  respective  schools — regu- 
lations for  these  matters  being  made  variable  by 
the  mistress  of  the  house,  no  fixed  rule  being 
possible  where  the  size  and  circumstances  of 
families  differ.  A  division  of  the  responsibility 
and  labor  is  justly  made,  and  then  its  accom- 
plishment is  exacted,  with  gentleness,  but  in- 
flexible firmness. 

After  breakfast  the  father  usually  asks  to  see 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  CHILDREN,  249 


the  small  children,  and  their  coming  in  to  say 
good-morning  and  good-by  is  a  delight  when 
children  are  carefully  reared.  After  this  cere- 
mony the  mother  spends  an  hour  or  more  in  the 
nursery,  talking  or  playing  with,  the  wee  folk, 
after  which  she  is  seldom  able  to  see  them  again 
until  it  is  her  luncheon  time,  which  is  also  their 
dinner  hour. 

At  this  meal,  if  the  mother  is  at  home,  and 
there  are  no  formal  guests,  the  family,  large  and 
small,  have  an  hour  of  .perfect  social  equality. 
The  children  are  upon  their  good,  or  what  they 
call  their  "grown-up  behavior."  The  serving  of 
this  meal  is  as  orderly  and  as  ceremonious  as  if 
persons  of  honor  were  present.  Here  it  is  that 
the  fine  manners  of  gentlemen  and  gentlewomen 
are  learned.  An  intimate  and  trusted  friend  of 
the  family,  whose  conversation  will  not  lower 
the  tone  of  the  child's  ideals,  or  the  mother's 
standards,  is  now  and  then  admitted  to  this  mid- 
day meal.  Even  with  the  equality  of  the  occa- 
sion children  do  not  presume  to  be  men  and 
women.  The  hour  is  usually  half-past  one 
o'clock,  and  the  older  students  are  at  home  for 


250 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


an  enjoyment  of  their  mother's  society.    In  the 
afternoon  there  is  walking,  driving,  dancing,  or 
other  extra  lessons,  and  supper  is  served  at  six 
o'clock  in  the  nursery  for  all  the  children  until 
they  are  thirteen  or  fourteen  years  old,  when,  if 
there  are  no  guests,  they  dine  with  their  parents. 
On  Sundays  their  father  is  also  present  at  the 
mid- day  meal,  and  there  is  a  general  endeavor 
to  make  him  feel  that  he  is  an  honored  guest  at 
their  dinner.    Here  it  is  that  the  observant  man 
takes  mental  notes  of  habits,  language,  tone  of 
thought,  ambitions,  and  tendencies  of  his  chil- 
dren, and  at  his  leisure  and  in  confidence  he 
holds  wise  and  charming  tete-a-tetes  with  each 
one   of   them.      These   solitary  conversations 
make  lasting  impressions  upon  young  minds,  if 
the  spirit  of  them  is  gentle,  tender,  and  gener- 
ous.   A  child  will  remember  a  word  spoken  in 
secret  that  will  pass  by  him  unheeded  if  it  is 
mentioned  in  the  presence  of  others.  Faults 
may  be  corrected  very  easily  if  taken  in  this 
manner.     The  rebuke  is  a  sacred  secrecy.  A 
public  correction,  except  it  be  for  a  flagrant 
act  of  discourtesy,  should  never  be  inflicted 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  CHILDREN. 


251 


upon  a  child,  and  it  never  is,  in  wisely  con- 
ducted households. 

In  some  families  the  older  children  come  into 
the  dining-room  only  when  dessert  is  served,  if 
there  are  no  formal  guests,  but  they  retire  to 
their  studies  in  an  hour,  and  are  in  bed  by  nine 
o'clock.  The  younger  ones  say  good-night  to 
each  other  by  half-past  six  or  seven.  Except 
on  birthdays,  and  at  weddings,  the  children 
never  appear  when  there  are  invited  guests  in 
the  drawing-room.  On  these  family  festivals, 
if  properly  bred,  their  manners  will  be  unob- 
trusive and  gentle.  If  a  little  tempestuous,  or 
over-hilarious,  and  a  word  of  disapproval  is  in- 
sufficiently subduing,  the  little  rebel  is  sent  off  to 
the  nursery  without  further  remonstrance.  One 
such  lesson  is  quite  enough  for  an  entire  child- 
hood for  m.ost  children.  This  treatment  may 
seem  severe,  but  it  is  a  fact  that  one  punishment 
of  this  kind  is  far  less  intolerable  and  injurious 
to  a  child's  temper  than  that  constant  nagging 
and  rebuking  in  the  presence  of  visitors,  which 
was  too  frequently  endured  by  both  guests  and 
children  before  etiquette  forbade  it,  refusing  any 


252 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE, 


longer  to  tolerate  this  public  offense  to  good 
taste  and  decent  manners.  Those  who  have 
not  the  wisdom  to  accept  a  disapproval  of  nag- 
ging and  scolding  small  people  before  guests, 
because  it  is  coarse  and  unwise,  will  be  sure  to 
change  their  family  usages  in  this  matter  as  soon 
as  they  know  that  in  polite  society  it  is  pro- 
nounced "bad,  very  bad  form."  This  high 
circle  holds  it  to  be  the  unformed  manners  of 
the  mother,  and  not  the  misconduct  of  the  child, 
from  which  it  is  made  to  suffer.  It  is  also 
counted  as  much  under-bred  to  discuss  the  affairs 
of  the  nursery  as  it  is  to  recount  the  difficulties 
of  managing  servants,  both  topics  having  been 
banished  from  the  drawing-room. 

So  seldom  are  children  now  present  in  that 
part  of  the  house  devoted  to  visitors,  that  hap- 
pily there  are  fewer  temptations  for  a  mother 
who  is  inclined  to  break  this  social  law,  which 
has  lately  become  rigid. 

Of  course,  the  miother  spends  all  her  spare 
hours  with  her  little  brood,  in  between  her  many 
cares  and  her  obligations  to  society,  and  it  will 
often  be  found  that  the  woman  who  says  least 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  CHILDREN.  253 

about  her  little  ones  to  her  mere  acquaintances 
is  the  one  who  is  most  devoted  to  the  mainte- 
nance of  their  healths,  their  intellectual  growths, 
and  also  to  their  conduct  or  breeding.  To  sum 
this  chapter  up,  its  kernel  is  this  :  Children  and 
their  faults  and  ailments,  their  wit  and  their  pre- 
cocities, are  considered  scarcely  more  suitable 
as  topics  for  conversation  than  servants  and  their 
incapacities. 


XXII, 


NEW-YEAR  AND  CHRISTMAS  IN  NEW  YORK. 

For  those  who  are  able  to  escape  from  the 
city  to  country  houses,  there  are  no  winter  holi- 
days in  town.  The  old  custom  of  a  generous 
and  general  hospitality  has  become  too  burden- 
some, and,  indeed,  impossible,  with  the  vast  size 
of  the  city.  It  was  from  no  want  of  sympathy 
with  the  fine  open-heartedness  of  its  first  settlers 
that  our  doors  in  New  York  have  been  closed 
on  New  Year's  day.  To  leave  them  open  was 
to  find  not  even  standing  room  in  popular  house- 
holds, and  so  New-Year  has  become  an  out- 
of-town,  or  a  family  day. 

Smaller  cities  may  still  hold  to  the  old,  beau- 
tiful custom  of  universal  hospitality,  but  it  no 
longer  has  a  fixed  place  in  New  York  etiquette. 

Many  persons  who  have  country  houses 
leave  them  in  the  autumn  and  reopen  them 
just  for  holiday  week.     They  fill  them  with 


NEW- YEAR  AND  CHRISTMAS.  255 

guests,  and  brilliant  scenes  of  dancing,  feasting, 
theatricals,  and  musicales  are  arranged  for  mu- 
tual delight. 

Sometimes  a  hostess  who  can  not  conveniently- 
open  her  own  home,  and  wishes  to  give  pleasure 
to  her  young  friends,  secures  a  large  suite  of 
rooms  at  a  hotel  in  the  country,  and  orders 
menus  for  meals  for  a  certain  set  of  guests. 
There  is  at  least  one  other  matron  in  the  party 
besides  the  hostess,  and  the  invitation  is  for  a 
fixed  number  of  days,  the  times  for  arriving 
and  departing  being  arranged  by  the  enter- 
tainer. Sometimes  a  car  for  the  journey  is  as- 
signed to  guests.  This  visit  demands  all  those 
courtesies  toward  host  and  hostess,  and  as  exact 
conformities  to  their  plans,  as  if  the  hotel  were  a 
gentleman's  country  villa.  The  office  of  chape- 
ron, of  course,  is  made  as  easy  as  possible  to 
her  by  all  young  people  who  respect  the  conve- 
nances or  themselves. 

In  New  York  the  clergyman  and  the  highest 
officials  generally  hold  receptions  from  eleven  to 
three  o'clock,  so  that  their  male  friends  may 
pay  their  respects  to  them. 
17 


256 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE, 


The  invalid  is  remembered  on  the  first  day 
of  the  year  by  a  call  in  person  and  by  kindly 
inquiries. 

At  Christmas  in  town  the  poor  who  have 
business  or  other  affiliations  with  the  family, 
and  also  those  who  have  none,  are  remem- 
bered by  good  wishes,  accompanied  by  good 
cheer  of  some  acceptable  sort.  Cards  are 
sent  to  acquaintances,  and  gifts  pass  between 
friends. 

One  of  the  most  refined  and  gratifying  of 
simple  courtesies  is  to  have  a  short  sentiment 
printed  in  silver  or  gold  across  the  top  of  a 
visiting-card,  and  send  it  to  one's  friends.  This 
added  line  or  two  may  be  the  family  motto,  or 
a  selected  quotation.  The  visiting-card  with 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  engraved  upon  it  is  in  good  form 
for  married  persons  to  use  on  this  occasion,  be- 
cause it  makes  a  whimsical  number  of  cards 
quite  needless,  and  besides,  this  union  of  senti- 
ment is  m.ore  gratifying.  Instead  of  Christmas 
cards  of  a  fanciful  and  sometimes  an  expensive 
quality,  little  books,  of  a  seasonable  order,  are 
sent  to  intimate  friends. 


NEW- YEAR  AND  CHRISTMAS.  257 


Lavish  presents  upon  this  sacred  anniversary- 
are  not  considered  in  delicate  taste. 

Personal  notes  of  good  will  and  continued 
friendship  are  held  to  be  the  most  refined  and 
valuable  of  all  the  seasonable  interchanges  of 
courtesy  and  remembrance.  These  are  sent  by 
messenger  if  preferred,  although  etiquette  per- 
mits the  services  of  the  postman.  Care,  however, 
should  be  taken  that  messages  consigned  to  the 
care  of  the  latter  should  have  ample  time  to  find 
their  destinations  by  Christmas  eve,  or  at  latest 
by  Christmas  day,  always  remembering  that  the 
mails  are  overladen  at  this  season,  and  more  than 
usual  time  is  likely  to  be  require<^  by  the  postal 
service. 


XXIII. 


FUNERAL  CUSTOMS. 

A  FEW  years  ago  and  a  portion  of  this  chap- 
ter could  not  have  been  written.  The  etiquette 
which  carried  formal  people  through  the  old 
ordeals  of  bereavement  by  death  was  invariably 
the  same  among  all  classes  of  society  from  one 
end  of  our  land  to  the  other.  The  very  mo- 
notony of  expression  which  grief  felt  compelled 
to  assume,  in  order  to  be  respectable,  was  one  of 
its  least  endurable  qualities.  We  all  knew  that, 
whenever  one  of  our  kinspeople  departed  from 
us,  there  were  just  such  and  such  processes  of 
systematic  attentions  to  be  performed  over  his 
remains,  and  just  such  quality  and  quantity  of 
solemnity  was  to  be  thrown  about  the  conduct 
of  our  lives  for  a  certain  length  of  time.  It  was 
all  settled  by  custom. 

We  knew  that  whatever  agony  we  suffered, 
much  of  our  distress  must  be  endured  in  the 


FUNERAL  CUSTOMS. 


259 


presence  of  auditors,  and  that  all  the  offices  of 
kindliness  which  it  was  possible  to  bestow  upon 
the  beloved  dead  must  be  performed  by  the 
hands  of  neighbors  or  hirelings.  Among  such 
liberties  as  are  enumerated  with  thankful  pride, 
the  freedom  of  mourning  for  our  dead,  and  of 
caring  for  their  inanimate  forms  according  to 
the  suggestions  of  our  affection,  could  not  be 
counted. 

A  transformation  in  funeral  services  came 
about,  but  just  how  it  happened  nobody  knows. 
There  is  at  present  really  no  strict  etiquette  for 
the  conduct  of  burials  in  New  York.  Of  course 
the  religious  services  performed  over  the  dead 
are  more  or  less  under  the  influence  of  the 
Church  to  which  the  officiating  clergyman  be- 
longs, but  the  usages  of  burial  are  no  longer 
guided  and  controlled  by  any  fixed  set  of  regu- 
lations. 

The  arranging  and  composing  of  the  person 
of  the  departed  has  ceased  to  be  a  stereotyped 
crossing  of  the  palms  upon  the  breast  and  a  rigid 
upturning  of  the  face.  Natural  and  easy  posi- 
tions of  the  hands,  with  the  features  in  partial 


260 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


profile,  have  become  customary  and  more  agree-  . 
able.  The  clothing  is  almost  always  the  same 
as  that  worn  in  life.  For  the  young,  festal  cos- 
tumes are  often  selected  ;  and  happily  the  ap- 
palling shroud  and  winding-sheet  belong  to  the 
dreary  legends  of  the  past. 

It  is  not  uncommon  for  the  soulless  body  to 
be  neatly  attired,  as  if  it  were  a  semi-invalid 
who  had  fallen  asleep  upon  a  sofa.  It  is  ten- 
derly pillowed  and  luxuriously  draped.  Friends 
take  their  last  look  upon  the  quiet  face,  and 
there  is  at  least  one  throb  of  pain  the  less  be- 
cause of  the  absence  of  a  coffin. 

The  apartment  is  often  made  to  wear  a 
cheery  aspect  by  the  presence  of  bright  and 
sweet  flowers,  which  are  chosen  and  arranged 
with  a  taste  from  which  ostentatious  lavishness 
is  excluded.  Pallid  blossoms  are  not  chosen  by 
all  who  have  been  bereaved.  Religious  services 
are  frequently  performed  while  the  deceased  is 
still  lying  uncoffined,  and  the  burial  takes  place 
at  any  subsequent  time  which  is  convenient  to 
the  survivors.  This  satisfactory  arrangement 
has  led  to  less  public  interments,  because  under 


FUNERAL  CUSTOMS. 


261 


such  circumstances  none  but  immediate  kins- 
people  follow  the  hearse  to  the  cemetery. 

It  is  not  uncommon  for  only  the  male  rela- 
tions of  the  deceased  to  be  present  at  the  inter- 
ment, but  etiquette  fixes  no  rule  for  these  things. 
Individual  inclination  determines  the  form  of 
such  sad  offices. 

So  lavish  have  been  the  offerings  of  flowers 
that  were  wrought  into  unnatural  forms,  and 
dedicated  by  their  letterings  to  absurd  uses,  that 
many  families  beg,  through  a  public  card  which 
accompanies  the  funeral  notice,  that  no  friends 
will  contribute  flowers.  Not  that  they  are  ban- 
ished utterly,  but  they  are  delicately  selected, 
and  a  sentiment  of  reserve  rather  than  ostenta- 
tion is  expressed  by  their  selection  and  arrange- 
ment. 

Sometimes  a  tiny  sheaf  of  ripened  wheat  is 
laid  with  a  palm  branch  upon  the  coffin,  or  by 
the  side  of  the  venerable  dead.  A  wreath  of 
bay-leaves  is  chosen  for  the  one  whose  loss  is  a 
public  calamity  ;  white  lilies  and  willow  branches, 
or  a  garland  of  poppies,  for  the  long-suffering, 
are  satisfying  ;  but  pillows  of  wire-fettered  carna- 


262 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


tions  and  harps  of  rosebuds  are  becoming  less 
and  less  attractive  to  individuals  of  refined  taste. 
These  costly  and  ungraceful  contributions,  with 
the  cards  of  their  donors  attached,  for  news- 
gatherers  to  copy  and  to  publish,  are  not  among 
the  refined  accessories  of  a  funeral  among  our 
superior  people. 

A  bunch  of  fragrant  blossoms  upon  the  bo- 
som of  the  dead,  flowers  selected  with  an  appro- 
priateness to  the  circumstances,  age,  or  senti- 
ments of  the  soulless  sleeper,  are  always  an 
agreeable  and  suggestive  attention  ;  but  flowers 
tied  into  forms,  or  in  any  excess,  are  no  longer 
considered  refined  or  desirable. 

The  old  custom  of  sitting  by  the  dead,  during 
the  long  solemn  nights  that  come  in  between 
death  and  burial,  has  also  passed  away,  except 
where  the  remains  require  attention.  It  is  a 
sleep  that  needs  no  guarding  under  ordinary 
circumstances. 

For  the  funeral  of  either  a  woman  or  man, 
sometimes  six  or  eight  friends  are  chosen  from 
the  immediate  circle  of  the  deceased,  to  act  as 
"bearers  of  the  pall,"  provided  the  burial  fol- 


FUNERAL  CUSTOMS.  263 


lows  the  funeral.  This  formality  becomes  an 
unnecessary  usage  when  the  burial  is  not  im- 
mediate. These  bearers  are  furnished  with  black 
kid  gloves  to  wear  at  the  funeral  of  a  man  or  an 
elderly  woman,  but  white  ones  are  usually  worn 
when  a  young  woman  has  departed.  A  scarf  of 
black  crape  or  of  fine  white  linen,  according  to 
the  occasion,  is  tied  about  the  left  arm  or  laid 
about  the  shoulders.  These  gentlemen  some- 
times carry  the  dead  to  and  from  the  hearse, 
but  oftener  they  only  serve  as  a  guard,  and  stand 
with  lifted  hats  during  the  removal  of  the  coffin 
by  persons  who  have  been  detailed  for  this  duty. 

The  family  and  intimate  friends  do  not  take 
leave  of  their  beloved  in  the  presence  of  the 
public,  when  a  funeral  service  is  held  either  at 
the  house  or  in  church.  This  suffering  is  en- 
dured in  private  before  the  arrival  of  those  who 
are  only  acquaintances.  The  family  is  not  visi- 
ble during  the  formal  religious  rites,  but  they 
are  not  beyond  the  hearing  of  the  -words  of  the 
clergyman. 

Sometimes  a  chosen  friend,  and  sometimes  a 
sexton,  arranges  the  mournful  programme  that 


264 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


begins  a  funeral  and  terminates  at  the  grave, 
thus  sparing  the  wearied  from  unnecessary 
anxiety. 

If  cremation  becomes  a  general  method  for 
sparing  our  beloved  dead  from  prolonged  pro- 
cesses of  decomposition,  the  formality  of  funeral 
rites  will,  of  necessity,  be  very  much  modified. 

A  widow  wears  the  plainest  of  crape  and 
bombazine  or  other  woolen  costume,  with  a  little 
cap  border  of  white  liss^^  or  tarletan.  During 
three  months  her  long  veil  of  crape  or  a  wool 
tissue  is  worn  to  conceal  her  face.  Afterward, 
she  may  wear  a  short  black  tulle  veil,  with  her 
crape  drapery  thrown  backward.  This  extreme 
expression  of  respect,  or  of  mourning,  must  be 
worn  a  full  year,  and  as  much  longer  as  the 
widow  chooses. 

In  France,  the  customary  evidences  of  grief 
are  fixed  and  permanent,  as  were  our  Own  fune- 
ral rites  until  very  lately.  This  invariableness 
of  costume  'during  times  of  bereavement  con- 
trasts sharply,  and  almost  absurdly,  with  the 
usual  Parisian  caprices  of  dress.  In  New  York 
widows  seldom  dress  in  gay  colors,  and  not  a 


FUNERAL  CUSTOMS. 


265 


few  of  them  wear  only  black  dresses  as  long  as 
they  live,  or  until  they  are  again  wedded.  This 
constant  costume  is  of  silk,  cashmere,  etc.,  and 
lightened  by  laces,  white  tulle  ruchings,  and 
other  softening  bits  of  gauzy  prettiness. 

For  a  father,  mother,  and  for  children,  the 
deepest  expression  of  sorrow  that  garments  can 
produce  is  worn  for  one  year  at  least ;  and  after- 
ward circumstances  and  individual  convictions 
determine  how  soon  black  shall  be  lightened  in 
quality  until  it  ceases  to  be  a  mourning  attire. 
For  brothers  and  sisters,  there  are  six  months  of 
crape  and  bombazine,  six  of  cashmere,  unlustered 
silks,  and  grenadines  of  plain  texture  ;  and  after- 
ward black,  white,  and  gray  are  considered  ap- 
propriate tints  of  dress  for  another  half  year. 
The  \rearing  for  three  months  of  colorless  gar- 
ments is  customary  after  the  decease  of  grand- 
parents, aunts,  and  uncles,  but  crapes  are  not 
usually  selected  after  the  loss  of  these  remoter 
kinspeople. 

Children  wear  mourning  garments  a  year 
when  they  have  lost  a  father,  mother,  brother, 
or  sister  ;  but  white  and  black  are  so  combined 


266 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


in  their  costumes  that  the  little  ones  are  not  too 
deeply  saddened  by  their  attire. 

Gentlemen's  hats  carry  a  depth  of  weed  that 
is  cut  according  to  the  nearness  of  the  relative 
for  whose  loss  it  is  worn,  and,  except  in  case  of 
a  widower,  men  continue  to  dress  in  mourning 
garments  as  long  as  it  is  the  habit  of  their 
households,  leaving  the  period  of  its  use  to  be 
regulated  entirely  by  the  women.  A  widower 
should  wear  deep  mourning,  which  includes 
gloves,  necktie,  and  weed,  with  a  costume  of 
black  or  of  very  dark  gray,  for  at  least  one  year. 
Scrupulous  and  formal  gentlemen  wear  black-bor- 
dered linen,  and  jet  shirt-studs  and  buttons,  but 
these  persons  are  not  numerous  in  New  York. 

Satisfactory  as  it  would  be  to  announce  that 
limitations  or  fixed  periods,  for  the  wearing  of 
somber  robes  after  the  loss  of  our  kinspeople, 
had  been  decided  upon  by  our  social  leaders, 
we  have  not  yet  reached  that  point.  The  quality 
of  the  fabrics  which  express  the  utmost  sorrow 
has  been  the  same  for  many  a  year,  and  it  is 
recognized  by  everybody ;  but  just  how  long  it 
is  to  be  worn  is  undetermined  by  our  authori- 


FUNERAL  CUSTOMS.  267 


ties  in  these  matters.  It  is  an  unquestioned 
custom  for  all  who  attend  a  funeral  to  attire 
themselves  in  black  garments  if  possible,  and 
certainly  not  in  gay  ones,  as  a  mark  of  respect 
to  the  afflicted  family. 

The  length  of  time  to  be  devoted  to  seclusion 
from  society  after  a  funeral  is  another  unfixed 
limit.  Indeed,  in  regard  to  funerals  and  their  sub- 
sequent and  consequent  appointments,  there  is  no 
rigid  etiquette,  and  this  chapter  is  written  to  ex- 
plain the  freedom  rather  than  the  formality  of 
these  things.  Many  people  entertain  conscientious 
scruples  which  prevent  the  adoption  of  a  mourn- 
ing garb  under  any  circumstances,  and  their  con- 
victions are  respected.  They  insist  that  no  set  of 
sentiments  can  be  expressed  by  material  things. 
Hence  our  chaotic  freedom  in  these  matters. 

Neither  visiting  nor  a  general  receiving  of 
formal  visits,  within  a  year  after  the  loss  of  a 
near  relative,  is  considered  in  good  taste,  and 
usually  two  years  are  devoted  to  a  more  or  less 
severe  seclusion  from  general  society.  This  re- 
tirement does  not  lessen  the  considerate  atten- 
tions of  friends.    Cards  are  sent  to  express  sym- 


268 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


pathy  when  a  death  occurs,  but  only  an  intimate 
friendship  affords  one  permission  to  write  a  note  of 
condolence.  Long,  torturing  letters  of  sympathy 
are  fortunately  among  our  obsolete  customs. 

Printed  or  engraved  notes,  or  large  cards, 
heavily  bordered  with  black,  sometimes,  but 
very  rarely,  announce  to  both  friends  and  ac- 
quaintances the  decease  of  a  member  of  the 
family.  They  usually  furnish  the  place  and 
date  of  birth,  the  residence,  and  date  of  decease. 

It  is  proper  to  call  at  the  door  in  person  and 
make  kindly  inquiries  for  the  household,  also  to 
leave  visiting-cards  with  the  left  side  or  left  lower 
corner  folded  over,  as  soon  as  a  death  in  one's 
circle  is  published ;  but  it  is  not  etiquette  to  ask 
to  see  the  afflicted  unless  there  exists  a  genuine 
intimacy  between  the  visitor  and  the  bereaved. 


THE  END. 


Valuable  Hand-books. 


Errors  in  the  Use  of  English.    By  the  late  William  B. 
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of  Kdinburgh.    American  revised  edition.    12mo,  cloth,  $1.50. 
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